Okay listen, let me say this as a sort-of disclaimer—this
is going to come off as a rant. In many ways it is a rant. BUT it’s also just a
way for me to get all of my thoughts out on this subject. Take it any way you
want, I suggest with a grain of salt, and I’ll try my best not to unload too
much on you.
(Note:
I
realize the title is a tad dramatic but hello, this is me we’re talking about).
It goes without saying that I am one to deeply get
into things. Whether it be movies, shows, or bands. I fall hard like people
fall in love (wow, dramatic again) and it’s a whole head-over-heels scenario.
Others call it “obsession.” So do I. Begrudgingly. I hate that word. It’s
somewhat negative and implies craziness. Which, wonderful, right? (Sarcasm).
But, I digress. It is what it is.
As I was saying—I fall into my “obsessions.” I’ve
literally been that way since I was a kid. (Good ol’ Barney the dinosaur. Good
times). If you want a list of everything I’ve gone in for, there’s a post on
this blog floating around somewhere. Yes, it’s a long list. No, I don’t care if
you think it’s crazy.
Which brings me to my point.
THERE
IS NO CRAZY HERE.
One more time for posterity’s sake:
THERE.
IS. NO. CRAZY. HERE.
THIS.
IS. NOT. THE. CRAZY. YOU’RE. LOOKING. FOR.
CRAZY.
HAS. NO. RELEVENCE.
Did you get that? Because it’s in caps and bolded just
in case.
I know this is going to come off as nothing more than
babbling and complaining (which it very well may be) but sometimes I need to
get it out of my head.
Backstory
in a nutshell: I’m into One Direction (as a band and as
solo artists). It’s been almost a year now. (Holy shit, what the fuck?!)
Obviously everyone knows this about me. Because let’s be honest, when am I ever
able to keep my “obsessions” from people? If I like it, you’ll know about it. Fuck
you if you don’t like it. Anyways, I’m into them and always will be. We’re
talking the level of The Beatles (my #1 band forever). They’re here to stay. I
have a lyric tattoo for Christ’s sake, so trust me. How fitting it is that I’m
listening to one of their songs right now.
Moving on….
I hate how when you’re a certain way (AKA “obsessed”
with something), people write you off as crazy. I swear sometimes it burns into
my soul. I find myself constantly bouncing back and forth between “I like what
I like, fuck you all” and “I’m not crazy. Why can’t I just be left alone and
happy with what I like?”
Dramatic, maybe. But it’s true. I wager that it’s true
for many other people. It’s almost like you’re constantly being judged for what
you like. Or rather, the way in which you like it. Not a lot of people understand.
Thank God for social media and online communities or else people like me would
be fucked. A moment of silence for the people who went through “obsessions”
before the internet. At least there’s some comfort in knowing that there are
thousands, if not a million or so, people who truly understand. And I’m
grateful for that. But it’s a small comfort. It would be nice for the people
who know you in real life to be that understanding.
And I get it. I really, truly do. If people are not
like you, they don’t understand it. And when people don’t understand, their
reactions reflect as such, albeit negatively most of the time. This quote from
the move Lansky (gangsters, I know)
fits:
“People
dislike what they do not understand.”
Well, glory hallelujah. No shit.
My message is simple: we are not crazy. At least, not
all of us. Yes, there are fans who take it way too far. Unfortunately, it is
people like that who ruin it for the rest of the fandom. And when I say fandom,
I mean any fandom. It’s the same across the board. Specifically, I’m writing
about myself being in the One Direction fandom at the moment. Though I’ve
experienced this in every fandom I’ve been in and through every “obsession” I’ve
had.
When you’re “obsessed” (still fucking hate that word)
you get extremely overexcited and wrapped up in it all. It becomes a big part
of your life. Whether it stays in your life forever or rides itself out
eventually holds no weight. When you’re in, you’re all in. It’s intoxicating
and exciting and (mostly) fun to be a part of. The only thing that makes it
suck is how the people around you react. People who don’t get it make you feel
crazy, even if it isn’t their intention. Judgement is not always in words. It’s
in eyes, facial expressions, and in jokes that seem harmless enough. But we all
know that there is always a hint of truth in a lot of jokes. (“Many
a true word is spoken in jest”).
Of course, there are people who straight-up look down on you. People who
will call you crazy and mean it. That’s even worse.
I think I’m mostly upset over the fact that I used to
be able to unapologetically like things. When I was younger, I truly didn’t
give a fuck and I was happily into whatever I was into. Now, it feels almost
like I’m guarded most of the time. I rein it in. Though I still can’t help it
when I get excited. I like to share my excitement. I’m the type of person who
can’t keep excitement in, I want to tell the world. But when you’re met with
uncaring stares or vague jokey comments about how crazy you are, it puts a
damper on everything. You sometimes doubt your own feelings afterwards,
wondering if maybe you’re wrong to feel that way. Shit, maybe you are crazy.
That self-doubt makes me a mixture of sick and angry. Honestly, I know this is
because of my anxiety. Hands down. It keeps me from enjoying anything fully and unapologetically. But I still hate being made to feel crazy.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask that people be
happy that you’re so excited by something. I think it’s good to feel deeply
about something, about anything. It means you’re alive. It may sound silly to
say this in regards to movies or music but it rings true. When you feel
anything with passion and exhilaration, you’re living. And shame on anyone who
makes you feel wrong or doubtful about it. I love when people get excited about
something they like. It makes me happy to watch them. I feel happy for them.
Because I understand. And I try my hardest to show that I appreciate their
excitement and be excited for them. Admittedly, I find it hard sometimes,
depending on who it is. It never fails to amuse me (and slightly infuriate me)
when people call you weird or crazy and then turn around and get excited over
something they like. Well, then. Thanks. **insert
eye-roll/sarcastic emoji here**
Allow me a small detour to rant:
Harry Styles is dropping
a single/album/music video soon. (Fuck me, am I right?) I’m more than a little
excited about it. Because hello, Harry Styles. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love
all of the 1D boys and Louis is my number one. I’ve definitely flipped my shit
over him and his solo single. But Harry’s whole thing is going to be exciting
AF. I, jokingly, suggested I wanted to take off work on the day he’s releasing
his music because how am I going to function?!?! Haha. But now I kind of seriously
want to. So many people are, actually, as I’ve seen on Twitter. I’ve been told
this is crazy. Well, allow me to illustrate how it’s not. How many people have
fucked off from work because of a sports game? Or because of a concert? Or to
line up for something? Or to stay home and watch movies or whatever? You get
the point. The answer is a lot. So many people have done that and will do that
until the end of time. Is it crazy? NO. Jesus Christ, no it isn’t. Enjoy life
for Christ’s sake. My eyes threaten to roll so far back into my head, I won’t
be able to bring them back. (Also no, I’m also not saying you should up and
leave work just because. Not every job is flexible. But if you can afford to
take the day off, then do it. Live your life. Anything, big or small, is living
so go for it!!)
I may be a little salty. As you can probably tell by
the excessive swearing and slightly angry under-tones. I just don’t get how being
in a fandom/being into something is so crazy. Or how being excited for
something is crazy. Are you hurting anyone? No. So, what’s the issue here? Nothing,
that’s what. Bottom line, it’s nice to be a part of something and to feel so
deeply about something. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. When you feel
deeply, you care deeply and you’re open and maybe a bit more honest than most
people. At least, I like to think so. Maybe it’s not a big deal in the grand
scheme of things but it’s important to the individual person.
I’m only speaking for myself but I have a strong
feeling that I’m not the only one who feels this way. So, if you do, here’s to
you. Love what you love, get crazy excited, lose your mind, and enjoy every
minute of it. There are enough problems and serious shit in the world. There’s
enough darkness to actually drive you crazy. So, find something you love and
run with it; feel the light.
I’m forever working on my anxiety. One day I hope to
get back to where I can like things unapologetically. Though I also think
guarding yourself and holding your cards close to your chest when you really
like something, is a product of getting older. It’s difficult to be as carefree
as we were as kids. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
I hope this jumbled mess made sense. Maybe there’s
even some wisdom hiding in here too.
Enjoy life, people. It’s too short to not have passion
and excitement.
Also, fuck the haters. Because, fuck the haters!!
And just because I’m me, I’ll end with a lyric. And
because I’m my “obsessed” self, it’s from Louis Tomlinson’s song:
“The
sun goes down and it comes back up, the world it turns no matter what. If it
all goes wrong, darling just hold on.” (Just
Hold On—Louis Tomlinson and Steve Aoki)
~~Peace~~
