No, You’re Not Crazy: The Perils of Fandom Life

Okay listen, let me say this as a sort-of disclaimer—this is going to come off as a rant. In many ways it is a rant. BUT it’s also just a way for me to get all of my thoughts out on this subject. Take it any way you want, I suggest with a grain of salt, and I’ll try my best not to unload too much on you.

(Note: I realize the title is a tad dramatic but hello, this is me we’re talking about).

It goes without saying that I am one to deeply get into things. Whether it be movies, shows, or bands. I fall hard like people fall in love (wow, dramatic again) and it’s a whole head-over-heels scenario. Others call it “obsession.” So do I. Begrudgingly. I hate that word. It’s somewhat negative and implies craziness. Which, wonderful, right? (Sarcasm). But, I digress. It is what it is.

As I was saying—I fall into my “obsessions.” I’ve literally been that way since I was a kid. (Good ol’ Barney the dinosaur. Good times). If you want a list of everything I’ve gone in for, there’s a post on this blog floating around somewhere. Yes, it’s a long list. No, I don’t care if you think it’s crazy.

Which brings me to my point.

THERE IS NO CRAZY HERE.

One more time for posterity’s sake:

THERE. IS. NO. CRAZY. HERE.

THIS. IS. NOT. THE. CRAZY. YOU’RE. LOOKING. FOR.

CRAZY. HAS. NO. RELEVENCE.

Did you get that? Because it’s in caps and bolded just in case.

I know this is going to come off as nothing more than babbling and complaining (which it very well may be) but sometimes I need to get it out of my head.

Backstory in a nutshell: I’m into One Direction (as a band and as solo artists). It’s been almost a year now. (Holy shit, what the fuck?!) Obviously everyone knows this about me. Because let’s be honest, when am I ever able to keep my “obsessions” from people? If I like it, you’ll know about it. Fuck you if you don’t like it. Anyways, I’m into them and always will be. We’re talking the level of The Beatles (my #1 band forever). They’re here to stay. I have a lyric tattoo for Christ’s sake, so trust me. How fitting it is that I’m listening to one of their songs right now.

Moving on….

I hate how when you’re a certain way (AKA “obsessed” with something), people write you off as crazy. I swear sometimes it burns into my soul. I find myself constantly bouncing back and forth between “I like what I like, fuck you all” and “I’m not crazy. Why can’t I just be left alone and happy with what I like?”

Dramatic, maybe. But it’s true. I wager that it’s true for many other people. It’s almost like you’re constantly being judged for what you like. Or rather, the way in which you like it. Not a lot of people understand. Thank God for social media and online communities or else people like me would be fucked. A moment of silence for the people who went through “obsessions” before the internet. At least there’s some comfort in knowing that there are thousands, if not a million or so, people who truly understand. And I’m grateful for that. But it’s a small comfort. It would be nice for the people who know you in real life to be that understanding.

And I get it. I really, truly do. If people are not like you, they don’t understand it. And when people don’t understand, their reactions reflect as such, albeit negatively most of the time. This quote from the move Lansky (gangsters, I know) fits:

“People dislike what they do not understand.”

Well, glory hallelujah.  No shit.

My message is simple: we are not crazy. At least, not all of us. Yes, there are fans who take it way too far. Unfortunately, it is people like that who ruin it for the rest of the fandom. And when I say fandom, I mean any fandom. It’s the same across the board. Specifically, I’m writing about myself being in the One Direction fandom at the moment. Though I’ve experienced this in every fandom I’ve been in and through every “obsession” I’ve had.

When you’re “obsessed” (still fucking hate that word) you get extremely overexcited and wrapped up in it all. It becomes a big part of your life. Whether it stays in your life forever or rides itself out eventually holds no weight. When you’re in, you’re all in. It’s intoxicating and exciting and (mostly) fun to be a part of. The only thing that makes it suck is how the people around you react. People who don’t get it make you feel crazy, even if it isn’t their intention. Judgement is not always in words. It’s in eyes, facial expressions, and in jokes that seem harmless enough. But we all know that there is always a hint of truth in a lot of jokes. (“Many a true word is spoken in jest”). Of course, there are people who straight-up look down on you. People who will call you crazy and mean it. That’s even worse.

I think I’m mostly upset over the fact that I used to be able to unapologetically like things. When I was younger, I truly didn’t give a fuck and I was happily into whatever I was into. Now, it feels almost like I’m guarded most of the time. I rein it in. Though I still can’t help it when I get excited. I like to share my excitement. I’m the type of person who can’t keep excitement in, I want to tell the world. But when you’re met with uncaring stares or vague jokey comments about how crazy you are, it puts a damper on everything. You sometimes doubt your own feelings afterwards, wondering if maybe you’re wrong to feel that way. Shit, maybe you are crazy. That self-doubt makes me a mixture of sick and angry. Honestly, I know this is because of my anxiety. Hands down. It keeps me from enjoying anything fully and unapologetically. But I still hate being made to feel crazy.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that people be happy that you’re so excited by something. I think it’s good to feel deeply about something, about anything. It means you’re alive. It may sound silly to say this in regards to movies or music but it rings true. When you feel anything with passion and exhilaration, you’re living. And shame on anyone who makes you feel wrong or doubtful about it. I love when people get excited about something they like. It makes me happy to watch them. I feel happy for them. Because I understand. And I try my hardest to show that I appreciate their excitement and be excited for them. Admittedly, I find it hard sometimes, depending on who it is. It never fails to amuse me (and slightly infuriate me) when people call you weird or crazy and then turn around and get excited over something they like. Well, then. Thanks. **insert eye-roll/sarcastic emoji here**

Allow me a small detour to rant:

Harry Styles is dropping a single/album/music video soon. (Fuck me, am I right?) I’m more than a little excited about it. Because hello, Harry Styles. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all of the 1D boys and Louis is my number one. I’ve definitely flipped my shit over him and his solo single. But Harry’s whole thing is going to be exciting AF. I, jokingly, suggested I wanted to take off work on the day he’s releasing his music because how am I going to function?!?! Haha. But now I kind of seriously want to. So many people are, actually, as I’ve seen on Twitter. I’ve been told this is crazy. Well, allow me to illustrate how it’s not. How many people have fucked off from work because of a sports game? Or because of a concert? Or to line up for something? Or to stay home and watch movies or whatever? You get the point. The answer is a lot. So many people have done that and will do that until the end of time. Is it crazy? NO. Jesus Christ, no it isn’t. Enjoy life for Christ’s sake. My eyes threaten to roll so far back into my head, I won’t be able to bring them back. (Also no, I’m also not saying you should up and leave work just because. Not every job is flexible. But if you can afford to take the day off, then do it. Live your life. Anything, big or small, is living so go for it!!)

I may be a little salty. As you can probably tell by the excessive swearing and slightly angry under-tones. I just don’t get how being in a fandom/being into something is so crazy. Or how being excited for something is crazy. Are you hurting anyone? No. So, what’s the issue here? Nothing, that’s what. Bottom line, it’s nice to be a part of something and to feel so deeply about something. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. When you feel deeply, you care deeply and you’re open and maybe a bit more honest than most people. At least, I like to think so. Maybe it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it’s important to the individual person.

I’m only speaking for myself but I have a strong feeling that I’m not the only one who feels this way. So, if you do, here’s to you. Love what you love, get crazy excited, lose your mind, and enjoy every minute of it. There are enough problems and serious shit in the world. There’s enough darkness to actually drive you crazy. So, find something you love and run with it; feel the light.

I’m forever working on my anxiety. One day I hope to get back to where I can like things unapologetically. Though I also think guarding yourself and holding your cards close to your chest when you really like something, is a product of getting older. It’s difficult to be as carefree as we were as kids. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

I hope this jumbled mess made sense. Maybe there’s even some wisdom hiding in here too.

Enjoy life, people. It’s too short to not have passion and excitement.

Also, fuck the haters. Because, fuck the haters!!

And just because I’m me, I’ll end with a lyric. And because I’m my “obsessed” self, it’s from Louis Tomlinson’s song:

“The sun goes down and it comes back up, the world it turns no matter what. If it all goes wrong, darling just hold on.” (Just Hold On—Louis Tomlinson and Steve Aoki)

~~Peace~~

My New Direction Is The Direction

Y’all knew this was coming.

Don’t worry. It’s only half-crazy obsessing and half-introspective musings on how I’ve changed, mostly because of the direction.

Strap in, children, the ride is just starting.

I guess I should begin with the tell-all statement of truth: My name is Addie and right now, I’m “obsessed” (I hate that word, as much as I use it) with One Direction.

That’s right, you read that correctly. One Direction. Having trouble believing it? I’ll wait.

*waits patiently*

Did you process it yet? All right, great, moving on—

I’m just as surprised as anyone that I got into One Direction. Not to say that they weren’t good or anything. I just never got heavily into them when they came out. I always knew who they were because honestly, who didn’t? And I liked about 6 of their songs, which I had on my iPod. “What Makes You Beautiful” was always a good jam, especially for singing in the car!! Whatever else I knew about them, I knew from my cousins who were into them at the time. (Cousins who aren't into them anymore, I'll have you know). I knew all of their names and what they looked like. And whenever they were in the news (Louis having a baby, Zayn leaving, etc.) I’d browse the articles because I was curious. But that was the extent of it. I always thought I was too old to like them. When they came out, they were so young-looking!! But like I said, I thought they were good but that was it.

And then. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then.

**PAUSE**

A little sidenote:

During the time that One Direction was around, I was very much into my old music. The Beatles, Buddy Holly, Elvis, so on and so forth. And that type of music will always be the music of my soul, the most important music to me; ever. But that’s what I was into pretty heavily. Then there was Jersey Boys and Newsies Broadway. (All of those=life). And then, back to the oldies with The Beach Boys.
I pretty much ignored and, for lack of better term, shit on modern music. Which, by the way, most deserved it. Maybe. Anyways, what I’m trying to say, is that I was a bit (a lot) uptight and in my own world and vehemently against modern music, for the most part. There were still always songs/bands/singers I liked.

**END SIDENOTE PAUSE**

CUT TO: 2016

I felt myself getting more and more into modern music this year. There was just a good amount of music that I was liking.

Then it began.

I’ll try to keep it brief but there are no promises because this is me after all.
One day, I was bored and randomly on YouTube. I saw something for James Cordon’s Carpool Karaoke and thought, “Hey, I’ve never seen any of those videos, it's supposed to be funny. I should check it out.” So, I searched “Carpool Karaoke” and decided on the One Direction video. I realized I never really heard them speak before and was curious.

Well.

I watched it, I laughed, I enjoyed. I realized that they didn’t look like babies anymore and that their accents were definitely sexy. (Who doesn’t love British/Irish accents?) I was attracted to Harry’s beautiful long hair (best hair I’ve ever seen on a man, by the way) and loved seeing them sing. They were on hiatus by this point, I knew that. I also recognized a song (“Perfect”) from hearing it on the radio and decided I liked it.

After that, I saw two more James Cordon/One Direction videos so I watched them too. (Dodgeball and Tattoo Roulette). Loved then both!! That was the most I had ever seen of One Direction. That was that. Or so I thought.

I got “Perfect” and it became my song of the moment. I loved it and listened to it often. I listened to some of the other One Direction songs I had on my iPod. I kind of fell in love with the “Perfect” music video and watched it a couple of times. One day, I watched music videos with my sister and cousin and we ended up watching “What Makes You Beautiful” and “Perfect” and I realized just how much One Direction had changed. I also made them watch the carpool karaoke and the other two videos of them with James Cordon.

Again, I thought that was it. But I was very wrong.

To keep the rest semi-short: I got two more songs: “Best Song Ever” and “Story of My Life.” And then “No Control.” At some point before all this, I followed them on Instagram. Funnily enough, I think I already was following them on Twitter. Then I thought, maybe I should listen to more of their music. I listened to random songs on YouTube and liked them. One thing lead to another and then BAM, I got their whole discography and listened to it and I was hooked. Then I watched their music videos and a shit-ton of interviews. I got/listened to/liked Zayn’s solo album. Eventually, I watched their movie. Which I own now. I also own four out of their five albums. I, ironically, don’t have the album “Four.” And now I’m all in the fandom, loving them, being all fan-girly. I pre-ordered the magazine featuring Harry. I freaked with the rest of the world about Niall’s solo song (it’s beautiful by the way). And the uncertainty of when they’re coming back makes me nervous. (Notice how I said “when” because they will be back). I also realized that there is a huge adult fan base so I don’t feel weird. Which, I’m not because in retrospect, I’m not that much older than them. They’re all within four years of my age so why feel weird? Anyways, I’m in the fandom good and proper and not going anywhere.

Oh and yeah, I’m getting a tattoo of one of their songs tomorrow. (Don’t judge!! Or, judge and fuck off!!)

Now, before I go further, allow me this moment of pure fan-girling:

Louis is beautiful and my favorite. He is too awesome for words. And Harry, HARRY!! If you don’t love Harry Styles, then you got problems. He’s beautiful in every way. And his voice, holy shit, his voice!! And that long hair, oooooh. Which is gone now, very very sad. But he still looks amazing with his short hair. I just miss the long hair. Legit the best hair I've ever seen on a man. And of course, there's Liam (Li-YUM) and baby Niall. And yes, Zayn. Beautiful, beautiful Zayn. Yes, he left the band and yes that sucks but he's great. And his album is stellar. Much love for Zayn. I love their music videos and I watch them a lot a lot!! "Best Song Ever" and "Perfect" are my favourites. And the London Sessions were so good!! And let me tell you, I've never been so active on Twitter before. And yeah, I listen to them quite a bit. Like a lot. A lot a lot. I annoy people. And I don't care mwahaha!! And holy shit their music is great but their latest album "Made In The AM" is fucking pure gold. "If I Could Fly"? Holy. Shit. That is all. I advise everyone to listen to the album. It's beyond amazing. Love love love looooove One Direction. I'm waiting for the day to see them in concert.

And now, a little bonus rant: People don’t give One Direction nearly enough credit. They are really good. They’re not just some little boy band or fad or whatever else people think they are. People give you shit for liking them. They are extremely talented and they wrote a lot of their own stuff. They are different from any other band I’ve ever seen. They came on the scene and shattered all of the boy band “rules” so to speak. They have the biggest fan base I have ever seen and the only band I’ve seen that rivals The Beatles. And that’s saying something. Especially me saying it. They deserve more credit, pure and simple.

All right, I’m back. Now, onto the introspective/serious-like stuff:

I said before that I was all closed-minded when I was heavily into old music. Which was true. But honestly, One Direction grabbed me and pulled me into the modern world. And I have to say I like it. It's kind of nice liking someone who is so relevant and actually around. (And not, you know, dead). It's different but for once in my life, I feel like I'm in my own generation and I'm okay with it. I don't feel as disconnected. Don't get me wrong, I'll always love the oldies and The Beatles are my #1 always. But it's nice to be modern and feel like my own age.

Because of this, I feel that I've changed. The whole being modern thing, for one. But also, I don't have such a guttural aversion to modern music anymore. It's not the same as old music, that's for sure, but I'm okay with it. I've been in club settings and I find myself okay with the music and bopping along even though I won't be putting some songs on my iPod anytime soon. It's just the fact that I'm more open, more chill, more modern. And I'm okay with it. I don't feel like I'm fighting against it anymore. I've realized that it doesn't matter. While I love being the oldies girl, I'm also okay with being my own age; a millennial. Something I thought was akin to the fucking plague not too long ago. It probably sounds trite, I know, but it's how I feel.

The funny thing--my friends made fun of me for liking old music and now that I listen to more modern music, they say it's weird and not me. I guess you just can't win!! But don't fret, I still have strong opinions on some modern songs haha. And side note: I was into the modern music of the time when I was in high school so calm down, people.

Continuing with the subject of changing--I feel that I've become different. Now, maybe it's the quarter-life crisis talking but I've changed. I've lost all of my up-tightness and as much as I hate to admit it, my slight holier-than-thou attitude. I'm chill and good with whatever. I'm more girly (fucking weird, right?) and I want to go out, live it up, party, have life experiences, do it all. I'm not saying this is good but I don't mind drinking when I go out and I've had a smoke or two or seven haha. Again, not condoning smoking, I'm illustrating a point. So, yeah, it's definitely the quarter-life crisis talking but what can you do? And all of this 1D/modern music makes for a most stellar soundtrack for fun-having!!

This is probably going to sound stupid and sappy and whatever but it's true. I sincerely love being into One Direction. I am so happy that I got into them. I hate that I got into them so late, when they're on hiatus, but still, I love it. I get to witness all of their solo work which I'm excited for. And, I know, I'll get to see them reunite one day.

So there you have it. I'm very up with the One Direction love. And I wouldn't have it any other way!!