My New Direction Is The Direction

Y’all knew this was coming.

Don’t worry. It’s only half-crazy obsessing and half-introspective musings on how I’ve changed, mostly because of the direction.

Strap in, children, the ride is just starting.

I guess I should begin with the tell-all statement of truth: My name is Addie and right now, I’m “obsessed” (I hate that word, as much as I use it) with One Direction.

That’s right, you read that correctly. One Direction. Having trouble believing it? I’ll wait.

*waits patiently*

Did you process it yet? All right, great, moving on—

I’m just as surprised as anyone that I got into One Direction. Not to say that they weren’t good or anything. I just never got heavily into them when they came out. I always knew who they were because honestly, who didn’t? And I liked about 6 of their songs, which I had on my iPod. “What Makes You Beautiful” was always a good jam, especially for singing in the car!! Whatever else I knew about them, I knew from my cousins who were into them at the time. (Cousins who aren't into them anymore, I'll have you know). I knew all of their names and what they looked like. And whenever they were in the news (Louis having a baby, Zayn leaving, etc.) I’d browse the articles because I was curious. But that was the extent of it. I always thought I was too old to like them. When they came out, they were so young-looking!! But like I said, I thought they were good but that was it.

And then. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then.

**PAUSE**

A little sidenote:

During the time that One Direction was around, I was very much into my old music. The Beatles, Buddy Holly, Elvis, so on and so forth. And that type of music will always be the music of my soul, the most important music to me; ever. But that’s what I was into pretty heavily. Then there was Jersey Boys and Newsies Broadway. (All of those=life). And then, back to the oldies with The Beach Boys.
I pretty much ignored and, for lack of better term, shit on modern music. Which, by the way, most deserved it. Maybe. Anyways, what I’m trying to say, is that I was a bit (a lot) uptight and in my own world and vehemently against modern music, for the most part. There were still always songs/bands/singers I liked.

**END SIDENOTE PAUSE**

CUT TO: 2016

I felt myself getting more and more into modern music this year. There was just a good amount of music that I was liking.

Then it began.

I’ll try to keep it brief but there are no promises because this is me after all.
One day, I was bored and randomly on YouTube. I saw something for James Cordon’s Carpool Karaoke and thought, “Hey, I’ve never seen any of those videos, it's supposed to be funny. I should check it out.” So, I searched “Carpool Karaoke” and decided on the One Direction video. I realized I never really heard them speak before and was curious.

Well.

I watched it, I laughed, I enjoyed. I realized that they didn’t look like babies anymore and that their accents were definitely sexy. (Who doesn’t love British/Irish accents?) I was attracted to Harry’s beautiful long hair (best hair I’ve ever seen on a man, by the way) and loved seeing them sing. They were on hiatus by this point, I knew that. I also recognized a song (“Perfect”) from hearing it on the radio and decided I liked it.

After that, I saw two more James Cordon/One Direction videos so I watched them too. (Dodgeball and Tattoo Roulette). Loved then both!! That was the most I had ever seen of One Direction. That was that. Or so I thought.

I got “Perfect” and it became my song of the moment. I loved it and listened to it often. I listened to some of the other One Direction songs I had on my iPod. I kind of fell in love with the “Perfect” music video and watched it a couple of times. One day, I watched music videos with my sister and cousin and we ended up watching “What Makes You Beautiful” and “Perfect” and I realized just how much One Direction had changed. I also made them watch the carpool karaoke and the other two videos of them with James Cordon.

Again, I thought that was it. But I was very wrong.

To keep the rest semi-short: I got two more songs: “Best Song Ever” and “Story of My Life.” And then “No Control.” At some point before all this, I followed them on Instagram. Funnily enough, I think I already was following them on Twitter. Then I thought, maybe I should listen to more of their music. I listened to random songs on YouTube and liked them. One thing lead to another and then BAM, I got their whole discography and listened to it and I was hooked. Then I watched their music videos and a shit-ton of interviews. I got/listened to/liked Zayn’s solo album. Eventually, I watched their movie. Which I own now. I also own four out of their five albums. I, ironically, don’t have the album “Four.” And now I’m all in the fandom, loving them, being all fan-girly. I pre-ordered the magazine featuring Harry. I freaked with the rest of the world about Niall’s solo song (it’s beautiful by the way). And the uncertainty of when they’re coming back makes me nervous. (Notice how I said “when” because they will be back). I also realized that there is a huge adult fan base so I don’t feel weird. Which, I’m not because in retrospect, I’m not that much older than them. They’re all within four years of my age so why feel weird? Anyways, I’m in the fandom good and proper and not going anywhere.

Oh and yeah, I’m getting a tattoo of one of their songs tomorrow. (Don’t judge!! Or, judge and fuck off!!)

Now, before I go further, allow me this moment of pure fan-girling:

Louis is beautiful and my favorite. He is too awesome for words. And Harry, HARRY!! If you don’t love Harry Styles, then you got problems. He’s beautiful in every way. And his voice, holy shit, his voice!! And that long hair, oooooh. Which is gone now, very very sad. But he still looks amazing with his short hair. I just miss the long hair. Legit the best hair I've ever seen on a man. And of course, there's Liam (Li-YUM) and baby Niall. And yes, Zayn. Beautiful, beautiful Zayn. Yes, he left the band and yes that sucks but he's great. And his album is stellar. Much love for Zayn. I love their music videos and I watch them a lot a lot!! "Best Song Ever" and "Perfect" are my favourites. And the London Sessions were so good!! And let me tell you, I've never been so active on Twitter before. And yeah, I listen to them quite a bit. Like a lot. A lot a lot. I annoy people. And I don't care mwahaha!! And holy shit their music is great but their latest album "Made In The AM" is fucking pure gold. "If I Could Fly"? Holy. Shit. That is all. I advise everyone to listen to the album. It's beyond amazing. Love love love looooove One Direction. I'm waiting for the day to see them in concert.

And now, a little bonus rant: People don’t give One Direction nearly enough credit. They are really good. They’re not just some little boy band or fad or whatever else people think they are. People give you shit for liking them. They are extremely talented and they wrote a lot of their own stuff. They are different from any other band I’ve ever seen. They came on the scene and shattered all of the boy band “rules” so to speak. They have the biggest fan base I have ever seen and the only band I’ve seen that rivals The Beatles. And that’s saying something. Especially me saying it. They deserve more credit, pure and simple.

All right, I’m back. Now, onto the introspective/serious-like stuff:

I said before that I was all closed-minded when I was heavily into old music. Which was true. But honestly, One Direction grabbed me and pulled me into the modern world. And I have to say I like it. It's kind of nice liking someone who is so relevant and actually around. (And not, you know, dead). It's different but for once in my life, I feel like I'm in my own generation and I'm okay with it. I don't feel as disconnected. Don't get me wrong, I'll always love the oldies and The Beatles are my #1 always. But it's nice to be modern and feel like my own age.

Because of this, I feel that I've changed. The whole being modern thing, for one. But also, I don't have such a guttural aversion to modern music anymore. It's not the same as old music, that's for sure, but I'm okay with it. I've been in club settings and I find myself okay with the music and bopping along even though I won't be putting some songs on my iPod anytime soon. It's just the fact that I'm more open, more chill, more modern. And I'm okay with it. I don't feel like I'm fighting against it anymore. I've realized that it doesn't matter. While I love being the oldies girl, I'm also okay with being my own age; a millennial. Something I thought was akin to the fucking plague not too long ago. It probably sounds trite, I know, but it's how I feel.

The funny thing--my friends made fun of me for liking old music and now that I listen to more modern music, they say it's weird and not me. I guess you just can't win!! But don't fret, I still have strong opinions on some modern songs haha. And side note: I was into the modern music of the time when I was in high school so calm down, people.

Continuing with the subject of changing--I feel that I've become different. Now, maybe it's the quarter-life crisis talking but I've changed. I've lost all of my up-tightness and as much as I hate to admit it, my slight holier-than-thou attitude. I'm chill and good with whatever. I'm more girly (fucking weird, right?) and I want to go out, live it up, party, have life experiences, do it all. I'm not saying this is good but I don't mind drinking when I go out and I've had a smoke or two or seven haha. Again, not condoning smoking, I'm illustrating a point. So, yeah, it's definitely the quarter-life crisis talking but what can you do? And all of this 1D/modern music makes for a most stellar soundtrack for fun-having!!

This is probably going to sound stupid and sappy and whatever but it's true. I sincerely love being into One Direction. I am so happy that I got into them. I hate that I got into them so late, when they're on hiatus, but still, I love it. I get to witness all of their solo work which I'm excited for. And, I know, I'll get to see them reunite one day.

So there you have it. I'm very up with the One Direction love. And I wouldn't have it any other way!!

I Believe in Body Positivity But I Get to Decide What That Means to Me

I want to start off with saying that I whole-heartedly respect the people who are body positive and happy with themselves. Everyone should be. After all, they say that you can’t be happy with anyone else until you are happy with yourself. I’ve seen a multitude of articles written by people who are bigger and have learned to love themselves for who they are and what they look like. Again, I respect this. It fills me with happiness when I read those articles. Everyone has the right to be happy in their own body and they should be taught to be from a young age.

But when it comes to myself, I feel different. I’m on the bigger side and I’m not happy about it. I never have been. Yes, it’s my fault. I can’t exactly say why I started eating a lot as a teenager. Maybe it was stress eating or boredom or because I’m Italian and love food or quite possibly because it’s an addiction. I let it get out of control and now I’m here. And I’m not happy about it. I want to be thinner and I don’t think it’s a crime. 

Unfortunately, the media constantly tries to shove the societal concept of beauty down our throats at every turn. The magazine covers and TV shows and movies with beautiful, thin actresses are enough to make you crazy. It’s enough to damage and brainwash young minds into thinking they have to look like that. I’m against that, it’s not right and I hate that there are all of these young girls who learn from an early age to be dissatisfied with themselves. Beauty cannot be manufactured. It comes in all shapes, sizes, colours, etc. 

But I’m talking about myself. 

I believe in body positivity and in being happy with yourself. And that is what I’m trying to achieve. I’m not trying to lose weight because I think I have to or because society says I have to look a certain way. And no, not because I think it’s what men want. Because fuck that. Although I will say that the thought rears its ugly head when I’m feeling particularly insecure. We’ve been taught to believe that that’s all men want. Most of them do which makes matters more complicated. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. I’ve often said that I wouldn’t want to be naked in front of anyone looking the way I do now. It’s blunt, yes, but it’s the truth. 

That’s not to say I’m not happy with myself as a person. I have confidence and I’m strong in my beliefs. I’m proud of the way I am and how I handle myself. And I have awesome taste in music, obviously. 

I’m unhappy with my physical self.

I’d like to lose a good amount of weight. I’d like to be thinner and have some muscles. I have an image in my mind of what I want to look like and I think I deserve to try and get there. I’d say that I want to look good in a bikini. Not that there’s anything stopping me from wearing a bikini. A lot of women who are bigger wear bikinis and they totally rock them. I have nothing but total respect and admiration for them. I still wouldn’t be comfortable in one. 

I’m not implying that losing weight will magically make everything better. That’s not what this is about. I’d like to feel good in my body. I’d like to get to the point where I can be body positive. I want to reduce my back and foot pain. No matter what, I’ll still find flaws within myself and I’ll have to learn to accept them. 

Being body positive is a different thing for each individual person. I salute all of the women (and men) who are completely happy with themselves. Kudos to all of you for kicking ass. I have confidence that I will get there one day because it’s what I want. The end result is to be happy. Do whatever you need to do to get there for yourself. 

And remember, you rock.

Inspiration and Determination

“You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.” –Ralph Marston

I am so shocked by my own personal change in attitude that I feel the need to share it with the world. Granted, I’m a writer and I tend to want to share everything with the world. But I digress. I decided that I would leave all of my anxiety and negativity in 2015 and go forward with positivity and confidence. And it was as easy as saying it. Or at least it was a stepping stone towards permanently adopting those attitudes.

This decision to change my attitude transcends New Year’s resolutions and stems from the fact that I am and always have been majorly anxiety-ridden, paranoid, slightly pessimistic, and a smidge cynical. A lot of people are and yes, it’s normal; everyone suffers from or deals with something. But it doesn’t mean that it isn’t exhausting and debilitating. It messes with your mind and your health and affects you physically as well as mentally. It can get in the way of your everyday life and it makes it hard to do the little things.

I suppose I’ve been this way my entire life but I only became fully aware of it when I was seventeen (almost eighteen) and preparing to enter college. Maybe it was the uncertainty of what college would be like or the starting of a new chapter of my life that triggered it. Or maybe it was time for it to explode; no one knows why it crops up when it does, it just does. To make a long story short, the past seven years have been me dealing with a constant swirl of thoughts, freaking out over things that I shouldn’t have freaked out over and basically making every molehill into Mount Everest.

That’s not to stay that it was bad all the time. There were times when I had a handle on it and I could shove it down and be done with it for a little while. The times that it did get worse was what I called my own “mental breaks.” But even though it wasn’t always turned up to eleven, it was still there. And it was completely strenuous. It prevents you from really enjoying anything because you always have a pit of worry in your stomach and your head is always spinning with thoughts you can’t control.

So I finally decided to stop. I told myself, “That’s it, lady. You can’t do this to yourself anymore. You’re gonna drive yourself crazy and you won’t enjoy anything the way you should.” And I thought about it and I replied to myself, “Yes ma’am!” And that was it. I decided to stop and so I did. Well, I am currently. In a sense it is as easy as saying it but that doesn’t mean it’s going to magically go away. The decision is step one. The determination is what gets you there and keeps you there. I’ve learned that when I say something and really mean it, I get it done. I really like that about myself. Other times when I’ve said something and there was no determination driving it, I failed. That lends itself to losing weight too. It’s something I can feel in myself. This time, I feel it.

If you have the determination to do something, you’re golden. It starts with inspiration then gives way to determination which ultimately gives way to you achieving what you set out to achieve in the first place. I don’t want to sound hokey like all of those inspirational self-help books or cat posters but there’s a grain of truth in those things. The underlying message is that you can do it with some determination and a little hard work.

I’m proud of myself. It’s so freeing to not be in a constant state of worry. Of course, it’s not completely gone. I still do have those moments of panic/anxiety or the random irrational thought but instead of dwelling on it and freaking myself out, I stop it before it can get any further and swat it away like the annoying fly it is. I’m also surprised that I did it so easily. I’m staying positive and telling myself that I can and will keep it like this. Trust me, it’s so nice.

In Lucas Scott fashion I will end this as I began it, with a quote:

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson 

I Resolve Not to Resolve

Every year is the same. As the clock winds down and Christmas passes by, many (if not all) of the people in the world are taken over by the intense desire to make a change. New Year, new me. We’re all guilty of uttering these words whether it be in our mind or in our Instagram posts. I’ll readily admit that I am one of those people. And I’m only half-ashamed of it.

There’s something about a New Year approaching that makes people look deeper into themselves, discover what behaviors, actions or lack thereof that upsets them and ultimately makes them resolve to change themselves for the better. I personally don’t see anything wrong with that. The New Year is just that, new. It’s the world’s way of saying, here you go, here’s a clean slate, do with it what you will. Some people don’t buy into the hype and it’s just as well. You don’t need to wait for January 1^st to roll around to change yourself. You can decide to change on a Tuesday in March or a Friday in August and no one will fault you for that. January 1^st is a deadline, a shove in the right direction. 

It’s been said that resolutions are not the right way to go because by definition a resolution is the solving of a problem. While that does lend itself to changing for the better, it’s not what we should be focusing on. When you make a change you are doing it solely for yourself. Change signifies that your intentions are to never go back to what made you unhappy in the first place. Fixing a problem may only be temporary because that problem can always come back. If you resolve to change then change and that’s it.

Of course, my “resolutions” do fall into the standard category of resolutions that half of the world makes; lose weight, don’t snooze your alarm in the morning, break bad habits, find love and so on and so forth. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s what a lot of people want so why can’t you want it too? The question then becomes, are you going to go through with it? Are you really serious or are you making a resolution because it’s the thing to do? Everyone is gung ho for the first week or maybe even the first month but when February hits it’s all back to the same old habits.

So, I resolve not to resolve. I, like almost everyone, looked towards the New Year with hope and determination to set goals and achieve them. It’s a mental thing; you’re given the opportunity for a fresh start and so you take it. But I plan to back up my words with actions and not let the resolutions fall flat in the first week. Determination is the only tool you need to make change effective. The rest will follow.

I firmly believe that it’s all in how you say it. Instead of “I want to lose weight and be skinny” (which may be true) how about “I want to be healthy and to get there I am going to eat right and exercise.” On my own list I wrote “better myself for myself—mind, body, soul, etc.” That also lends itself to my other “resolution” to think in a more positive manner and to be more confident in what I want to achieve. Also, I promised myself to kick my anxiety in the teeth. I’ve decided I’m done with all the anxiety and worry. I’m determined. But saying it is not enough. Don’t say, just do. And don’t make it sound like it’s a mundane to-do list. If you truly want it, you will get it so there’s no excuse to abandon your resolution or whatever you want to call them.

Use this shiny New Year as a diving board and jump head first into whatever changes you are determined to make. Take the tired standard “New Year new me” and make something of it. Set goals for yourself that you know you can accomplish and do it. Use whatever you want as inspiration. In my own case, a song. I started it in 2015, having a song of the year. It’s the first song I listen to, right after midnight, and it’s supposed to set the tone of the year. Whenever I listen to it, I remind myself of the goals that I set and I keep on going. Yes, I did the whole post a selfie on Instagram with an inspiring quote thing; from my aforementioned song of the year. I’m not embarrassed. It’s all a mental game after all. It’s part of some modern belief that if you post it then it must be true.

In the end it’s all quite easy. If you want it, either do it or go and get it. It really is as simple as that!!