No, You’re Not Crazy: The Perils of Fandom Life

Okay listen, let me say this as a sort-of disclaimer—this is going to come off as a rant. In many ways it is a rant. BUT it’s also just a way for me to get all of my thoughts out on this subject. Take it any way you want, I suggest with a grain of salt, and I’ll try my best not to unload too much on you.

(Note: I realize the title is a tad dramatic but hello, this is me we’re talking about).

It goes without saying that I am one to deeply get into things. Whether it be movies, shows, or bands. I fall hard like people fall in love (wow, dramatic again) and it’s a whole head-over-heels scenario. Others call it “obsession.” So do I. Begrudgingly. I hate that word. It’s somewhat negative and implies craziness. Which, wonderful, right? (Sarcasm). But, I digress. It is what it is.

As I was saying—I fall into my “obsessions.” I’ve literally been that way since I was a kid. (Good ol’ Barney the dinosaur. Good times). If you want a list of everything I’ve gone in for, there’s a post on this blog floating around somewhere. Yes, it’s a long list. No, I don’t care if you think it’s crazy.

Which brings me to my point.

THERE IS NO CRAZY HERE.

One more time for posterity’s sake:

THERE. IS. NO. CRAZY. HERE.

THIS. IS. NOT. THE. CRAZY. YOU’RE. LOOKING. FOR.

CRAZY. HAS. NO. RELEVENCE.

Did you get that? Because it’s in caps and bolded just in case.

I know this is going to come off as nothing more than babbling and complaining (which it very well may be) but sometimes I need to get it out of my head.

Backstory in a nutshell: I’m into One Direction (as a band and as solo artists). It’s been almost a year now. (Holy shit, what the fuck?!) Obviously everyone knows this about me. Because let’s be honest, when am I ever able to keep my “obsessions” from people? If I like it, you’ll know about it. Fuck you if you don’t like it. Anyways, I’m into them and always will be. We’re talking the level of The Beatles (my #1 band forever). They’re here to stay. I have a lyric tattoo for Christ’s sake, so trust me. How fitting it is that I’m listening to one of their songs right now.

Moving on….

I hate how when you’re a certain way (AKA “obsessed” with something), people write you off as crazy. I swear sometimes it burns into my soul. I find myself constantly bouncing back and forth between “I like what I like, fuck you all” and “I’m not crazy. Why can’t I just be left alone and happy with what I like?”

Dramatic, maybe. But it’s true. I wager that it’s true for many other people. It’s almost like you’re constantly being judged for what you like. Or rather, the way in which you like it. Not a lot of people understand. Thank God for social media and online communities or else people like me would be fucked. A moment of silence for the people who went through “obsessions” before the internet. At least there’s some comfort in knowing that there are thousands, if not a million or so, people who truly understand. And I’m grateful for that. But it’s a small comfort. It would be nice for the people who know you in real life to be that understanding.

And I get it. I really, truly do. If people are not like you, they don’t understand it. And when people don’t understand, their reactions reflect as such, albeit negatively most of the time. This quote from the move Lansky (gangsters, I know) fits:

“People dislike what they do not understand.”

Well, glory hallelujah.  No shit.

My message is simple: we are not crazy. At least, not all of us. Yes, there are fans who take it way too far. Unfortunately, it is people like that who ruin it for the rest of the fandom. And when I say fandom, I mean any fandom. It’s the same across the board. Specifically, I’m writing about myself being in the One Direction fandom at the moment. Though I’ve experienced this in every fandom I’ve been in and through every “obsession” I’ve had.

When you’re “obsessed” (still fucking hate that word) you get extremely overexcited and wrapped up in it all. It becomes a big part of your life. Whether it stays in your life forever or rides itself out eventually holds no weight. When you’re in, you’re all in. It’s intoxicating and exciting and (mostly) fun to be a part of. The only thing that makes it suck is how the people around you react. People who don’t get it make you feel crazy, even if it isn’t their intention. Judgement is not always in words. It’s in eyes, facial expressions, and in jokes that seem harmless enough. But we all know that there is always a hint of truth in a lot of jokes. (“Many a true word is spoken in jest”). Of course, there are people who straight-up look down on you. People who will call you crazy and mean it. That’s even worse.

I think I’m mostly upset over the fact that I used to be able to unapologetically like things. When I was younger, I truly didn’t give a fuck and I was happily into whatever I was into. Now, it feels almost like I’m guarded most of the time. I rein it in. Though I still can’t help it when I get excited. I like to share my excitement. I’m the type of person who can’t keep excitement in, I want to tell the world. But when you’re met with uncaring stares or vague jokey comments about how crazy you are, it puts a damper on everything. You sometimes doubt your own feelings afterwards, wondering if maybe you’re wrong to feel that way. Shit, maybe you are crazy. That self-doubt makes me a mixture of sick and angry. Honestly, I know this is because of my anxiety. Hands down. It keeps me from enjoying anything fully and unapologetically. But I still hate being made to feel crazy.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that people be happy that you’re so excited by something. I think it’s good to feel deeply about something, about anything. It means you’re alive. It may sound silly to say this in regards to movies or music but it rings true. When you feel anything with passion and exhilaration, you’re living. And shame on anyone who makes you feel wrong or doubtful about it. I love when people get excited about something they like. It makes me happy to watch them. I feel happy for them. Because I understand. And I try my hardest to show that I appreciate their excitement and be excited for them. Admittedly, I find it hard sometimes, depending on who it is. It never fails to amuse me (and slightly infuriate me) when people call you weird or crazy and then turn around and get excited over something they like. Well, then. Thanks. **insert eye-roll/sarcastic emoji here**

Allow me a small detour to rant:

Harry Styles is dropping a single/album/music video soon. (Fuck me, am I right?) I’m more than a little excited about it. Because hello, Harry Styles. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all of the 1D boys and Louis is my number one. I’ve definitely flipped my shit over him and his solo single. But Harry’s whole thing is going to be exciting AF. I, jokingly, suggested I wanted to take off work on the day he’s releasing his music because how am I going to function?!?! Haha. But now I kind of seriously want to. So many people are, actually, as I’ve seen on Twitter. I’ve been told this is crazy. Well, allow me to illustrate how it’s not. How many people have fucked off from work because of a sports game? Or because of a concert? Or to line up for something? Or to stay home and watch movies or whatever? You get the point. The answer is a lot. So many people have done that and will do that until the end of time. Is it crazy? NO. Jesus Christ, no it isn’t. Enjoy life for Christ’s sake. My eyes threaten to roll so far back into my head, I won’t be able to bring them back. (Also no, I’m also not saying you should up and leave work just because. Not every job is flexible. But if you can afford to take the day off, then do it. Live your life. Anything, big or small, is living so go for it!!)

I may be a little salty. As you can probably tell by the excessive swearing and slightly angry under-tones. I just don’t get how being in a fandom/being into something is so crazy. Or how being excited for something is crazy. Are you hurting anyone? No. So, what’s the issue here? Nothing, that’s what. Bottom line, it’s nice to be a part of something and to feel so deeply about something. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. When you feel deeply, you care deeply and you’re open and maybe a bit more honest than most people. At least, I like to think so. Maybe it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it’s important to the individual person.

I’m only speaking for myself but I have a strong feeling that I’m not the only one who feels this way. So, if you do, here’s to you. Love what you love, get crazy excited, lose your mind, and enjoy every minute of it. There are enough problems and serious shit in the world. There’s enough darkness to actually drive you crazy. So, find something you love and run with it; feel the light.

I’m forever working on my anxiety. One day I hope to get back to where I can like things unapologetically. Though I also think guarding yourself and holding your cards close to your chest when you really like something, is a product of getting older. It’s difficult to be as carefree as we were as kids. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

I hope this jumbled mess made sense. Maybe there’s even some wisdom hiding in here too.

Enjoy life, people. It’s too short to not have passion and excitement.

Also, fuck the haters. Because, fuck the haters!!

And just because I’m me, I’ll end with a lyric. And because I’m my “obsessed” self, it’s from Louis Tomlinson’s song:

“The sun goes down and it comes back up, the world it turns no matter what. If it all goes wrong, darling just hold on.” (Just Hold On—Louis Tomlinson and Steve Aoki)

~~Peace~~

I Believe in Body Positivity But I Get to Decide What That Means to Me

I want to start off with saying that I whole-heartedly respect the people who are body positive and happy with themselves. Everyone should be. After all, they say that you can’t be happy with anyone else until you are happy with yourself. I’ve seen a multitude of articles written by people who are bigger and have learned to love themselves for who they are and what they look like. Again, I respect this. It fills me with happiness when I read those articles. Everyone has the right to be happy in their own body and they should be taught to be from a young age.

But when it comes to myself, I feel different. I’m on the bigger side and I’m not happy about it. I never have been. Yes, it’s my fault. I can’t exactly say why I started eating a lot as a teenager. Maybe it was stress eating or boredom or because I’m Italian and love food or quite possibly because it’s an addiction. I let it get out of control and now I’m here. And I’m not happy about it. I want to be thinner and I don’t think it’s a crime. 

Unfortunately, the media constantly tries to shove the societal concept of beauty down our throats at every turn. The magazine covers and TV shows and movies with beautiful, thin actresses are enough to make you crazy. It’s enough to damage and brainwash young minds into thinking they have to look like that. I’m against that, it’s not right and I hate that there are all of these young girls who learn from an early age to be dissatisfied with themselves. Beauty cannot be manufactured. It comes in all shapes, sizes, colours, etc. 

But I’m talking about myself. 

I believe in body positivity and in being happy with yourself. And that is what I’m trying to achieve. I’m not trying to lose weight because I think I have to or because society says I have to look a certain way. And no, not because I think it’s what men want. Because fuck that. Although I will say that the thought rears its ugly head when I’m feeling particularly insecure. We’ve been taught to believe that that’s all men want. Most of them do which makes matters more complicated. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. I’ve often said that I wouldn’t want to be naked in front of anyone looking the way I do now. It’s blunt, yes, but it’s the truth. 

That’s not to say I’m not happy with myself as a person. I have confidence and I’m strong in my beliefs. I’m proud of the way I am and how I handle myself. And I have awesome taste in music, obviously. 

I’m unhappy with my physical self.

I’d like to lose a good amount of weight. I’d like to be thinner and have some muscles. I have an image in my mind of what I want to look like and I think I deserve to try and get there. I’d say that I want to look good in a bikini. Not that there’s anything stopping me from wearing a bikini. A lot of women who are bigger wear bikinis and they totally rock them. I have nothing but total respect and admiration for them. I still wouldn’t be comfortable in one. 

I’m not implying that losing weight will magically make everything better. That’s not what this is about. I’d like to feel good in my body. I’d like to get to the point where I can be body positive. I want to reduce my back and foot pain. No matter what, I’ll still find flaws within myself and I’ll have to learn to accept them. 

Being body positive is a different thing for each individual person. I salute all of the women (and men) who are completely happy with themselves. Kudos to all of you for kicking ass. I have confidence that I will get there one day because it’s what I want. The end result is to be happy. Do whatever you need to do to get there for yourself. 

And remember, you rock.