I Believe in Body Positivity But I Get to Decide What That Means to Me

I want to start off with saying that I whole-heartedly respect the people who are body positive and happy with themselves. Everyone should be. After all, they say that you can’t be happy with anyone else until you are happy with yourself. I’ve seen a multitude of articles written by people who are bigger and have learned to love themselves for who they are and what they look like. Again, I respect this. It fills me with happiness when I read those articles. Everyone has the right to be happy in their own body and they should be taught to be from a young age.

But when it comes to myself, I feel different. I’m on the bigger side and I’m not happy about it. I never have been. Yes, it’s my fault. I can’t exactly say why I started eating a lot as a teenager. Maybe it was stress eating or boredom or because I’m Italian and love food or quite possibly because it’s an addiction. I let it get out of control and now I’m here. And I’m not happy about it. I want to be thinner and I don’t think it’s a crime. 

Unfortunately, the media constantly tries to shove the societal concept of beauty down our throats at every turn. The magazine covers and TV shows and movies with beautiful, thin actresses are enough to make you crazy. It’s enough to damage and brainwash young minds into thinking they have to look like that. I’m against that, it’s not right and I hate that there are all of these young girls who learn from an early age to be dissatisfied with themselves. Beauty cannot be manufactured. It comes in all shapes, sizes, colours, etc. 

But I’m talking about myself. 

I believe in body positivity and in being happy with yourself. And that is what I’m trying to achieve. I’m not trying to lose weight because I think I have to or because society says I have to look a certain way. And no, not because I think it’s what men want. Because fuck that. Although I will say that the thought rears its ugly head when I’m feeling particularly insecure. We’ve been taught to believe that that’s all men want. Most of them do which makes matters more complicated. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. I’ve often said that I wouldn’t want to be naked in front of anyone looking the way I do now. It’s blunt, yes, but it’s the truth. 

That’s not to say I’m not happy with myself as a person. I have confidence and I’m strong in my beliefs. I’m proud of the way I am and how I handle myself. And I have awesome taste in music, obviously. 

I’m unhappy with my physical self.

I’d like to lose a good amount of weight. I’d like to be thinner and have some muscles. I have an image in my mind of what I want to look like and I think I deserve to try and get there. I’d say that I want to look good in a bikini. Not that there’s anything stopping me from wearing a bikini. A lot of women who are bigger wear bikinis and they totally rock them. I have nothing but total respect and admiration for them. I still wouldn’t be comfortable in one. 

I’m not implying that losing weight will magically make everything better. That’s not what this is about. I’d like to feel good in my body. I’d like to get to the point where I can be body positive. I want to reduce my back and foot pain. No matter what, I’ll still find flaws within myself and I’ll have to learn to accept them. 

Being body positive is a different thing for each individual person. I salute all of the women (and men) who are completely happy with themselves. Kudos to all of you for kicking ass. I have confidence that I will get there one day because it’s what I want. The end result is to be happy. Do whatever you need to do to get there for yourself. 

And remember, you rock.

I Resolve Not to Resolve

Every year is the same. As the clock winds down and Christmas passes by, many (if not all) of the people in the world are taken over by the intense desire to make a change. New Year, new me. We’re all guilty of uttering these words whether it be in our mind or in our Instagram posts. I’ll readily admit that I am one of those people. And I’m only half-ashamed of it.

There’s something about a New Year approaching that makes people look deeper into themselves, discover what behaviors, actions or lack thereof that upsets them and ultimately makes them resolve to change themselves for the better. I personally don’t see anything wrong with that. The New Year is just that, new. It’s the world’s way of saying, here you go, here’s a clean slate, do with it what you will. Some people don’t buy into the hype and it’s just as well. You don’t need to wait for January 1^st to roll around to change yourself. You can decide to change on a Tuesday in March or a Friday in August and no one will fault you for that. January 1^st is a deadline, a shove in the right direction. 

It’s been said that resolutions are not the right way to go because by definition a resolution is the solving of a problem. While that does lend itself to changing for the better, it’s not what we should be focusing on. When you make a change you are doing it solely for yourself. Change signifies that your intentions are to never go back to what made you unhappy in the first place. Fixing a problem may only be temporary because that problem can always come back. If you resolve to change then change and that’s it.

Of course, my “resolutions” do fall into the standard category of resolutions that half of the world makes; lose weight, don’t snooze your alarm in the morning, break bad habits, find love and so on and so forth. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s what a lot of people want so why can’t you want it too? The question then becomes, are you going to go through with it? Are you really serious or are you making a resolution because it’s the thing to do? Everyone is gung ho for the first week or maybe even the first month but when February hits it’s all back to the same old habits.

So, I resolve not to resolve. I, like almost everyone, looked towards the New Year with hope and determination to set goals and achieve them. It’s a mental thing; you’re given the opportunity for a fresh start and so you take it. But I plan to back up my words with actions and not let the resolutions fall flat in the first week. Determination is the only tool you need to make change effective. The rest will follow.

I firmly believe that it’s all in how you say it. Instead of “I want to lose weight and be skinny” (which may be true) how about “I want to be healthy and to get there I am going to eat right and exercise.” On my own list I wrote “better myself for myself—mind, body, soul, etc.” That also lends itself to my other “resolution” to think in a more positive manner and to be more confident in what I want to achieve. Also, I promised myself to kick my anxiety in the teeth. I’ve decided I’m done with all the anxiety and worry. I’m determined. But saying it is not enough. Don’t say, just do. And don’t make it sound like it’s a mundane to-do list. If you truly want it, you will get it so there’s no excuse to abandon your resolution or whatever you want to call them.

Use this shiny New Year as a diving board and jump head first into whatever changes you are determined to make. Take the tired standard “New Year new me” and make something of it. Set goals for yourself that you know you can accomplish and do it. Use whatever you want as inspiration. In my own case, a song. I started it in 2015, having a song of the year. It’s the first song I listen to, right after midnight, and it’s supposed to set the tone of the year. Whenever I listen to it, I remind myself of the goals that I set and I keep on going. Yes, I did the whole post a selfie on Instagram with an inspiring quote thing; from my aforementioned song of the year. I’m not embarrassed. It’s all a mental game after all. It’s part of some modern belief that if you post it then it must be true.

In the end it’s all quite easy. If you want it, either do it or go and get it. It really is as simple as that!!

The Vision Board Does All

A vision board is a tool used to help clarify, concentrate and maintain focus on a specific life goal. Literally, a vision board is any sort of board on which you display images that represent whatever you want to be, do or have in your life. (Source: http://makeavisionboard.com/what-is-a-vision-board/)

I’ve always wanted to make a vision board. I’m someone who looks for inspiration in everything and when given the opportunity to use something that does, I jump on it. But other things usually get in the way and time passes and you never get around to doing what you said you would or what you would like to do.

Last week I finally made a vision board. And I love it. It’s perfect for inspiration. It’s perfect in that it’s something that you can put all you want to do or achieve and actually have a chance to obtain it. I think it’s a way to psych yourself up. It’s physical and visual and because of that, it makes your dreams all the more real and attainable. If you see it, you will be inspired to do it. And also in putting forth positive, good vibrations into the universe, you are bound to get the same in return. I believe that. It’s a combination of all that and wanting it bad enough. Whether it be fate, faith or luck, it’ll happen.

I started simply with what I want to do or achieve: Love, Career, Fitness, and Travel. I added a list of inspirational/power words, images of women I admire and some of the things I wish for. I’m proud of it because it looks perfect and it’s exactly how I imagined it in my head. Everything is perfectly placed and it does inspire me. Not only that but it’s also a reminder. It reminds me of what I want and that I can get it if I just try.

Like I said, I filled the board with four important focal points of what I want plus a few others. In more detail:

Love: I put a few stock images of a couple getting married, wedding rings with a marriage certificate, and a family. Then for the personal touch, because I think this is important, I put images of fictional couples I admire: Lucas and Peyton from One Tree Hill, Nathan and Haley from One Tree Hill, Jack and Rose from Titanic, Noah and Allie from The Notebook, and Jack and Katherine from the Newsies Broadway production.

Career: This is made of stock images. I have an image of a screenplay, a slate with a film reel and a camera, one of an old-timey typewriter, a pile of books, a notebook with a pen on top of it, the cover of the an article written in the late 1800s by a woman named Nellie Bly. It’s called Ten Days in a Madhouse and it should be read by everyone. I also have a pile of money, and of course, an Academy Award. Dream big, right? Three of my words there are “write” because I need to and Coppola and Scorsese because they rock and I’d love to be like them. (I also just realized I spelled Scorsese wrong on my board and have to fix it!!)

Fitness: A big issue for me. I’ve been struggling with the whole weight loss thing. I did really well for a while and then I fell off the wagon again. But I’m extra determined. And I truly believe this vision board is helping me, especially for this. I have a few inspirational work-out stock images as well as a few quotes and a bottle of water because I need to drink more water.

Travel: I’m always going on and on about where I want to travel. (CALIFORNIA!!!!) I have a big list of all of the places I need to see. The important ones are on this board: New York City, California, England and Italy. I also have images of a plane and a ship. I must travel and I need to see California and England. It says “live” and “happiness.”

The other section of inspiration for me is the one with pictures of women who I admire, both characters and real women. I have Buffy Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer because she will always be my favorite. Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill because she is tough and strong but also caring and fragile at times. Phoebe Halliwell from Charmed is another favorite of mine. She kicks ass and is independent but again she also has that fragility and gentleness. Katherine Plummer is a character from the Newsies Broadway show. She really appealed to me because she’s a writer and she’s independent and unafraid. She stands up for what she believes in. I want to be like that. I like to think I am. And then I have Jennifer Lawrence, Evan Rachel Wood, Drew Barrymore, Julianne Hough, Marilyn Monroe and Lucy Hale. I admire them all and think they are beautiful and smart and kick ass in all they do. I also have the Supergirl logo because it is wicked to have a female superhero. Some words there are “woman”, “inspiration”, “strong”, “confidence” and “unbroken”. I think that being a woman is important. I know it sounds weird. But for a long time woman weren’t treated the way they should be. They still aren’t being treated equally, more so in other countries. Men were always handed everything from the beginning of time and in that I mean they always had rights. Women had to work for it and boy did we ever. I appreciate that, I respect that and I intend to live up to it.

Then I have the section of some of the things I dream of having: a red Hyundai Sante Fe car, a red 1958 Thunderbird, an apartment in New York City and a beach house in California. The words there are “imagine”, “stay gold”, “dream”, “11:11”, and “wish”.

The last words I have that round up the board are “music=life”, “laugh”, “one shot.” In the middle of the board are the words “Don’t give up, don’t give in” which I credit to Louis Zamperini. He has become an influence and an inspiration. Everyone should read and watch Unbroken.

So there it is, my vision board. Everyone’s will be different, of course, but the idea behind it never changes. You should make one and find the inspiration within. Go out and get what you want. As much as I love to entertain the idea of past lives—I was a feminist activist, a flapper, a hippie—I believe you only get one shot. Even if there are past lives you only get one shot as you. So don’t screw it up!!

I taped my vision board to the side of me TV shelf so that I pass by it every time I leave my room in the morning. I look it over for a few seconds and let it sink in before I go out to face the day. I like to think it fills me with all I need to tackle anything that comes my way and sends me off on the path to achieving what I truly want. I have a vision after all….

….

This is the link to the article I mentioned. I think it’s worth a read. Nellie Bly was a great reporter who did anything to get her story, even if it meant putting herself in harm’s way. She was definitely ahead of her time; a true pioneer. It’s long but well-worth the read.

http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/bly/madhouse/madhouse.html

L-O-V-E--what?

DISCLAIMER: This may get a tad bit mushy or dreamy or something that is akin to girlie. I hate being like that. Even though I know there's nothing wrong with it. I still hate it. Just be warned. And don't judge me. Or do judge me and fuck you. 

Boy meets girl. Or girl meets boy. One falls for the other and all sorts of lovey-dovey shenanigans ensue. Sometimes they stay together forever and get married and have babies and grow old together and die holding each other in bed a la The Notebook. (Oh and spoiler alert if you haven't seen it but I mean, who hasn't seen it? If you haven't, well then get the fuck outta here!!) Also there are times they don't stay together and it's all messed up but that's less fun to think about so let's not.

Some people (a lot of people) have that already. Goody, great for you! Others, *cough* like me *cough*, are sitting here looking at their watches like: "So, when is this dude showing up....?"

I once saw this meme thing on Facebook that said something along the lines of "Stop waiting for Prince Charming and go out and look for him. The poor bastard might be stuck in a tree somewhere." With my luck, mine is probably lost in the woods or in a dark cave somewhere. Oh who am I kidding? My prince charming/soulmate/dude/man is probably dead now because he was most likely my age in 1965. But I'm holding out hope that maybe there is someone still out there who's alive and in my age range. 

We all think about it. Even the people who swear that they don't care or don't want anything to do with it. Even the people who are scared of commitment or the ones who'd rather be friends with benefits. It's in your mind; whether it's in the front or the back doesn't make any difference.

It's been on my mind a lot lately. I always (pretend) whine about not having anyone and that I want someone and blah blah blah. More so I think because a lot of my friends are in relationships or trying to start them. I'm not too disheartened though because I haven't exactly been doing anything to find anyone. Obviously there is no one on his way to find me, tree notwithstanding. It's something that I have to work at and achieve by putting myself out there. (Eeeee!!) Which I plan to do. I always said that I'd try online dating if I wasn't with someone by my 25th birthday. Well, time is funny in the way that it creeps up on you. I'm turning 25 in less than two months. And since I think of myself as a woman of my word, I'll be going online this October. 

I said I'm going online and I will but part of me is upset at the fact that I am. Not because going online isn't a good way to meet someone because it is. I know people who have met their significant others online and they got married and it's all fine. I just wish I could meet someone naturally. Totally unexpected because it just happens whenever. And maybe it will. I just really hope it does. It's hard to let go of the notion of that happening. No matter which way, I'll be happy when it happens. I'm also one hundred percent on board with it happening once and that's it. I don't care to go through the whole ups and downs of dating life. I'd rather find the one person I'm meant to be with and leave it at that. 

I'm not saying that being in a relationship is the end all be all and that it's what makes life complete. While majorly important, it's not something you should measure the worth of your life by. And no, I'm also not saying that having a man is what completes you and that if you don't, you're a lesser person. NOT NOT NOT 1000x NOT saying that. People generally want another person to go through life with. You can have family and friends and whoever else and that's all well and good but the relationship between you and your significant other will always be different. And I think everyone deserves have a shot at it. 

That's all I'm asking for, really. I admit that I want to have someone to go through life with. I want to have another person who is the other half of me and who I love with all my heart. The world is a shitty place sometimes and it'd be nice to have someone by your side as you navigate it. That was the mushy part, see, and it grossed me out a bit. 

I'm not going to lie. I'm almost 25 and I haven't really been in a relationship and I'm feeling it. I'm feeling time catching up to me and the tiny bit of pressure to find someone so I can get married, at least by thirty. I get that your life doesn't have to follow a specific pattern and that everything will happen when it's meant to happen. But that doesn't mean I can't do something to jump-start the process. And who knows? Maybe that is what I'm meant to do. Ha, take that, psychology! 

And maybe, even though I'm reluctantly admitting it, I hear the faintest ticking of my biological clock somewhere in the distance. Though I think there's a lot of time left before the ticking gets any closer. 

I'm not an idiot. I know that life isn't like the movies and that a romance isn't just going to randomly happen. And it's not going to be like they show you with the romantic music and cheesy lines. Because who wants those lines? Contrary to popular belief, most of those lines would probably make me barf or at least squirm uncomfortably. I mean, in movies I'm all like "awwww" and whatever because it's cute and romantic and all that. In real life, I'd like "Oh my God, stop!" I want romance as much as the next person but sometimes it can be a bit barf-worthy. Or throw-upingly cute as I like to say. 

I know that it's something I want. I don't want to end up alone. I'm sorry but I don't. And I'm certainly not going to apologize for it. I want to get married and have children and live my life that way. I'm not going to sit on my ass and wait for it to happen and I'm not going to let it pass me by. I know that I want it and like most everything I want, I will get! 

Everyone has the vision of that perfect person they want. Nine times out of ten, it's grossly exaggerated and probably unattainable in that the person doesn't actually exist. I want a cool greaser-type dude with Elvis hair, good taste in music so that we can share our love of old music. (I have this whole date/fantasy thing of listening to vinyl records and drinking wine....) If they can sing and/or play an instrument, that's just hot. Tattoos are hot. Bad boy goes without saying because duh. But a bad boy with a heart of gold because also duh. If he's Italian then he has to be a sexy cool Italian and not a Woodbridge/Jersey Shore Italian because that's fucking ew. And there's much more. In reality I'll settle for a nice guy who has good music taste. And good hair. Please? 

Like everything I want in life, I need to go out there and get it. So I will put myself out there. And hopefully it'll happen.

Because in the end, all you need is love. Love is all you need. The Beatles for the win!! 

The Fantasy

Picture this:

You wake up and sit up in your bed and look around your studio apartment. It has that vintage-y feel but there are a few modern art pieces and furniture in the mix and it's a nice balance. The scent of freshly brewed coffee fills your nose and your eyes open a little wider. A growl erupts from your stomach and reminds you that you're hungry. After breakfast you stand in front of your giant window, steaming coffee cup in hand, and enjoy the view before you. Ahh, the beautiful, busy, gleaming city of New York. 

Okay, now picture this:

The sun streaming through your open window wakes you up some time in the mid-morning. A light breeze causes your white linen curtains to flutter. You rise from your bed and catch a whiff of the warm, salty air. It's going to be a good day, you know it already. Who needs to get changed? You're good in your shorts and tank top. A few minutes later you take your cup of coffee onto the deck where you lean against the railing and take in the view. The warm sun is on your face, the breeze gently ruffles your hair; everything is peaceful. You're spending the day on the beach, no doubt about it. It is California after all. 

(Oh and there's obviously a man in each fantasy because, umm, duh). 

And finally, this:

Oh, reality. Yeah I live in Canada. You know, the place that I once heard described in a movie as "a wasteland of frozen tundra." Which is wildly untrue, of course, unless it's winter.

Then I'd be inclined to agree because our winters are filled with mountainous piles of snow and movie-worthy ice storms. Don't flip out, I love Canada and I am proud to be Canadian. But the fantasy holds strong in my mind and in my heart. (That sounds borderline barfy, I know). 

And, true to my nature, my fantasies  contradict each other, are completely different life-style wise and both appeal to me equally. Such is my life. 

I'm happy with my life. I am. I love my family and my friends. I love my home and I wish it could be my home forever. But there's always that little nagging part of me that says I belong somewhere else. Not indefinitely but at least for a little bit. I have this thing where I wish I could just get up and go and live somewhere else for a while. Have crazy life experiences somewhere else in the world. Sometimes I'm overtaken by the feeling of wanting to go somewhere else. It's an intense yearning and it makes you feel like you're gonna burst but then it eventually goes away. 

I wish I could find a job that would take me there. I know I'd feel homesick and that I'd miss everyone so much but I really want to do it one day. And I know saying "one day" means it could never happen and that you have to make it happen. I really hope to. One day. Ha. 

I did go to New York this year and it was perfect. It was my second time going but I got more out of it this time. And it definitely quelled the yearning for a bit. I didn't spend nearly enough time there but it gave me my fill; for now. California is my next target. I want to see San Francisco, L.A. and Hollywood and the Viper Room where River Phoenix died. (Extreme sadness). And also the cemeteries where the famous people are buried. (It's not creepy, you pay your respects as a 'thanks for everything', you know?) Obviously I want to see the beaches and all that. It's something you always see in movies or hear about. I'd love to experience it. And plus side? I could totally get a movie studio job, hello!! 

This is also where my past life theory factors in. All right, calm down everyone opposed to reincarnation. I'm not saying I believe in it fully, it's just fun to entertain the idea. And I mean, it would explain a lot. So chill out and go with me on this. There has to be a reason why I have such a connection to these places. I figure that I was born in the late 1800s so that I was a newsie (Ha I know). I died of something rotten. Then I was a flapper lady in the '20s. And I got shot. Gangsters, you know? (Both of those I lived in NYC). Then I was born in 1945 and lived through all the good music of the '50s and '60s. Then I died somehow in the '70s. (Here was California). And then God or the Universe or whoever was like "Okay no more. You need to chill out for twenty years." Then in 1990 I was born in Canada and there you go. Too much? Probably. But so fun to imagine haha. 

Or maybe I was brainwashed by music and movies. No, seriously. Music, movies, books; they're all about transporting you to another place and living vicariously through the characters or the story or whatever. They make you yearn for things that you'e never experienced or places you've never been. I actually read something along those lines while reading about a certain musical group. The author said that their music was special in that it made other people who didn't live in their part of the country feel like they did. They lived vicariously. Same with movies. You see it and you want it. And I do. It's more plausible than the reincarnation theory is it not? 

It's on my bucket list to live in both New York and California for at least six months. I hope that one day I'll be able to do that. If not, I'd settle for month's vacation in each. I just wanna go....

I know that anything is possible if you believe it and that you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. Bottom line, I have to make this happen. And I really will. And not one day either. I just will. 

Let It Go: An Un-Frozen Truth

Sidenote: Before I launch into this, remember this information for later: A "stu cazzo" is an Italian word. It's actually slang that literally means "nothing". Though people use it as an insult or another word for "fuck" or as a derogatory name for someone. Also, "cazzo" means penis. So in effect, you'd be calling someone a dick. I write it as "stu cazz" though many a time it's pronounced as "stugots." Keep all this is mind. 

Let it go.

It's a simple enough suggestion that is far more easier to say than to do. And it was a thing long before Frozen blasted its way onto movie screens and invaded people's lives. 

Forget about the ice queen and her red-haired sister, the noble man and his horse or the adorable snowman who has a penchant for sunshine. This is real. 

Life is often unfair and filled with many hard truths. One of them, maybe the most important is: people are going to treat you like shit. 

Yeah, people are assholes and you're going to come across a few who don't really care about you and treat you accordingly. And it sucks. 

I've been treated like that a few times and I have no patience for it. No one should. I cannot stress how much I want to hammer that principle into everyone's minds. If someone isn't treating you right then it's time to say "bye Felicia." (I've never seen the movie that line comes from, I've only heard people use it and I've been dying to!!)

For me, it all comes down to respect.

Maybe it's some old-school Italian, Godfather-like thing but I believe in it. It all goes back to and ties into respect. If you don't respect me, then I do not have to respect you. You are not worth my time, emotions or thoughts. That's it. Black and white, no grey. There's no in-between when it comes to respect.

One more time for the ones in the back: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. 

If whoever in your life--this lends itself to friends, significant others, maybe family (though that's depending on who, really)--is treating you badly, then screw them. That kind of stuff is toxic and only poisons your life. I'm not saying you should refuse to speak to them or disown them, no. Just don't let their behavior dictate what you do or how you feel. 

If you feel like it's a chore to talk to someone and you're doing it out of anything but genuine desire to talk with them, let it go. When people talk to you only when they have something to say about themselves, let it go. If people expect you to chase them but give you nothing but grief in return, let it go. When respect isn't given, it is not deserved. 

Though I've let go of my own personal no-respect people, I still have the memories of bitterness because it's not quite bitterness in it's true form. It's something that will always be in the back of your mind and if you think about it, you can recall the feeling of anger and/or bitterness. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to let it go a few times. 

And it feels amazing. When you finally do let it go, it's so nice! There is an absolute sweeping happiness that takes over you find yourself laughing. Revenge is great and all that but so is not caring. Believe it or not, when you let it go and decide not to give a shit anymore, you have the power. 

So let it go, feel and relish the sweet airy, zen-like feeling that accompanies it. Sing the song; rejoice! 

The stu cazz never bothered me anyway....