Nothing Changes: Why It Sucks When You're Made to Feel You Can't Handle Yourself

Can someone please tell me why in 2017 we’re still going with this bullshit theory that boys can take care of themselves better than girls?

Either nothing really has changed or I hit my head somewhere and somehow got magically transported to 1920. Which would be fun except the whole part about women not being able to do anything, even thinking, without the aid of someone else.

This may not be the sole factor in my argument but I believe it’s the starting point. It’s the crux, the reason, the nucleus of an extremely annoying dilemma.

Picture this: A family consisting of at least one daughter and one son. There can be more of each, it doesn’t matter, as long as there is one boy and one girl involved. Let’s say they’re both over eighteen years old; the age in which you are legally an adult.

Just for fun, the definition of adult: “An adult is a mature, fully developed person. An adult has reached the age when they are legally responsible for their actions.” –Collins Dictionary

Therefore, by definition, an adult is a person who is legally responsible for themselves. So then why is it that an adult son can seemingly do whatever they please while the adult daughter has to pass through a written test and an obstacle course before stepping out of the front door? Could it be because society has forced the notion into our brains that men can take care of themselves? And that women, being small, naïve, and innocent, need someone to be with them at all times? Even if the person with them is, ironically, another woman? Yes, I understand the strength in numbers theory. But if someone is going to kidnap you, they’re not going to stop because your friend is with you. They’re probably going to kidnap you both.

I will admit that women are perceived as the easier targets in most people’s minds therefore making us more vulnerable in the eyes of predators. I don’t pretend to ignore the fact that women have to be more careful because of this. When it comes to sexual assault, women tend to be the victims almost ten times more than men do. I don’t ignore this either.

Women should be cognizant of that fact and take the proper precautions in keeping themselves safe. However, that does not mean never doing anything alone because there is a chance you may be assaulted. There also is a chance you may be in a car crash, a plane crash, struck by lightning, or get hit by a bus. You could also fall down the stairs, choke on a hot dog, or fall out of a tree. Going by this logic alone you could also get bit by a vampire, mauled by a werewolf, or kidnapped by a witch who wants to feed you candy and cook you in an oven. I’d wager you have more of a chance with the vampire.

I am not ignorant. I understand that assault is real and that it happens more often than it should. I could even go as far as saying it’s gotten worse as time goes on. I understand that you shouldn’t put yourself in situations that could potentially cause you harm. There is a reason you don’t walk completely alone at night in seedy areas or go down dark alleys. I will be the first person to tell you that as a woman you have to be more careful and aware. It’s the sad reality of our life.

But in no way am I saying we have to stop living our lives because of it; because of the threat of something that may or may not happen. It’s ridiculous and it’s one of the many things that has always sparked anger in me. Couple that with the implications that you don’t understand what you’re talking about when you attempt defending yourself; it’s a recipe for your (well-placed) anger.

It brings me back to the double standard that’s put upon us as women. Our brothers, male cousins, male friends, etc. seemingly have the freedom to go and do as they please. If you don’t believe that’s true than I will outright laugh in your face. No one bats an eye if a man wants to go somewhere alone whether it be to the store, out on the town, or even on a trip out of the country. There is worry, of course, but it’s the normal amount of worry. They’re sent on their way with a “be careful” and maybe a vague promise to keep in touch. Suggest the same as a woman? Be prepared to answer a million questions, defend your reason for daring to leave the house, and possibly fill out some paperwork.

Suggest it in an Italian household (or any household rooted in old world ideals? Haha. Good luck. I wish you the very best and that you come out of it with your sanity intact. You won’t, by the way.

I believe that as long as you are aware, mindful, and prepared, there is no problem. You have to be smart about what you’re doing and where you’re going, of course. You need to be able to read situations at all times. That’s just good life practice. But the point is you can’t stop living your life or not live it to the fullest. You deserve to go where you want to go and do what you want to do. Again, just don’t be an idiot. As long as you’re smart and aware, you’ll be fine.

Most people don’t see the value in doing things alone. No one wants to be alone, of course. It’s nice to share experiences with other people. Although if you are someone who enjoys being alone over being with others, then all the power to you. It’s refreshing to do some things by yourself. It’s an important life skill to learn how to exist on your own. Because if you can’t learn to be alone with yourself, how can you expect someone else to? Or so “they” say. Also, it’s pretty damn important to be independent in this world. Contrary to the belief of some people in my life, I consider myself to be quite independent. I do what I want to do and I get myself where I need to go. And if I don’t know how to do something or get somewhere, I learn. Shocker.

Sometimes you just need to breathe. I love having alone time every once in a while. I need it. I go to the movies alone sometimes, or out to store, or into the city. Sometimes you need some space, some fresh air, some time to breathe by yourself. Maybe it isn’t for everyone. Although I’d argue it should be. Learning to do things alone makes you a stronger person in the end. Depending on someone else for everything is not healthy. It also implies that if you can’t find someone to do what you want to do, you have to miss out. No thank you is the only non-explicit way I can express my anger without letting loose a stream of curses.

There is so much I want to experience on my own. I want to go on a trip or vacation. I want to live on my own for a while. I kick myself daily for not going away for college and having that experience then. I think it’s important for me to live on my own and have that experience before I get married (whenever that may happen, if ever, but please happen). As I get older, I’m realizing that I don’t particularly like the idea of moving from my parents’ house to a house with my future husband. Quite frankly, I feel like I’ve waited too long to be fully independent and now the desire to be is too strong to push down.

It boils down to my anger at being told I can’t do something or shouldn’t do something independently because it’s not safe or something may happen. I’m stubborn and it brings up a deep-seated anger that I’m all too familiar with. I also do not take too well to people giving me orders or trying to enforce their ways on me. My defensive side flares and I cannot be held accountable for what comes out of my mouth.

I think society needs to smarten up as a whole. Maybe spend time teaching your daughters how to be smart and independent. Arm them with the knowledge and preparation they need to make it in the world. Worry when it’s time to worry and worry the right amount. But don’t hold them back. It doesn’t help when you transfer all of your worry onto them and make them feel scared and unsure. It’s a horrible feeling and it’s destructive behavior. Take my advice, don’t do it. Smart, aware, knowledgeable is better than scared and dependent.

It’s time for the times to start changing. But, will they? Will you? As always, time will tell. But I remain unmoving and independent.

Fairy Tales in the Digital Age

“Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.” –Loretta Young

Interesting, right? Isn’t that what we all think; what we were conditioned to believe? As a little girl, you have Disney movies thrown at you and are read countless stories about white knights rescuing the damsel in distress. And that’s all well and good. It’s nice to have a fantasy world to slip into every once in a while but it does do a number on our minds. Not to mention the countless romance novels and movies like The Notebook or Titanic (obviously the love story part and not the big-disaster-now-everyone-including-the-white-knight-are-dead part). Basically, if we’re going by what the movies tell us, we have to sit in a coffee shop or go for a walk in the forest and bump into the man of our dreams. Let fate and destiny take care of it while you sit patiently waiting.

First of all—no. That doesn’t work. At least it doesn’t work 97% of the time. When fate does occasionally step in to help people meet unexpectedly it’s nice. It makes for great stories to tell the grandchildren while they surround you and your significant other in your matching rocking chairs on the porch. And we hate these people. Why do they get to meet serendipitously while we sit around like bumps on a log? All right fine, we’re happy for them. It’s sweet and nice but still doesn’t change the fact that we’re burning with jealousy.

Enter the digital age. We live in the modern world where online dating and Tinder are more common than chance meetings in coffee shops or even good ol’ blind dates. There are a major amount of success stories, long-term relationships and even marriages to come out of the online dating scene. That being said, you have to sift through a whole lot of bad people and creepy dudes to find one good one. It’s the proverbial needle in the haystack. Not to mention the fact that a good amount of people are looking to solely hook up and nothing more. It’s enough to make you crazy but the proof is in the pudding as they say.

Now you’re at a crossroads much like the writer of this blog post. It’s hard to break free of the notion of meeting someone naturally. Who wouldn’t want to be somewhere one day and unexpectedly meet someone who you click with? Is there anything more boring than saying “Oh yeah well, we met on Tinder and he messaged first and blah blah, etc.”? Of course, meeting someone online is not a bad thing and it does work for many people. It’s the fixed cookie-cutter view that people have of how they should meet their soulmate and the brainwashing of stories and movies that leave us hesitant to venture into the digital dating scene.

The moral or lesson here? It follows the logic of the old cliché “when in Rome, do as the Romans do.” When in the digital age, take what’s offered to you. Joining a dating site, whether it be eHarmony or Tinder, doesn’t automatically mean you’re looking for love. You could be but you could also be doing it on a whim. And of course, there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe you shouldn’t go out hunting for love with Cupid’s bow and arrow with the intention of snagging that perfect guy or girl. But nowhere is it said that you can’t help it along. The dating sites are just the platform, it’s up to you where you land after you dive. Keep in mind that joining a dating site isn’t the end all be all of finding love. If you don’t like it you can also delete your profile. And who knows? Maybe while you’re sifting through the masses with no interest in anyone you see, fate is waiting for you to enter the coffee shop and bump into your soulmate.

Take the plunge, go online, have a little fun or go into it with serious intentions. Whatever the case may be, go for it. It’s better than sitting around waiting for the perfect significant other. For all you know, they could be stuck under a rock or in a tree or something. Grab your phone, sign up and start swiping left or right. You’ll find it can be quite addicting.

Random Musings

I was a bit lazy and didn't know what to write about this week so I figured I'd let y'all know my thoughts in the easiest way possible: word vomit. 

I figure I just blurt out whatever comes to mind and there you have it; instant blog post-ness. (Seriously, it's like that free writing exercise where I just write about whatever comes to mind and jump from topic to topic. Though this will obviously have some semblance of structure because hello OCD). 

The way I speak is because of Buffy, I swear. It is actually called Buffyspeak. And it's not only me. So hey. 

Honestly, with all the shit that I grew up with, it's a wonder I don't have a million different accents and ways of speaking. I stand by my theory that you are influenced by what you watch, read and listen to. Even more so when you're a kid. The Buffy thing is the one that stuck with me the most. Though if I start busting out into Newsies-speak, you should probably move away. And there's also the British accent. And if I start being extra Italian just do what my sister does and tell me I'm not a gangster. Because I'm actually not. But I do love them. Obviously not the things they did but they were kind of admirable in an anti-hero, antagonist kind of way. I need to stop watching/reading mob things. 

You know, I said to my sister that after I was done with the mob stuff, I'd have to get into something lighter. My words were: "I have to read happy things like 'Puppy Gets A New Ball.'" And I think I sort of did. The Beach Boys were sort of sprung on me. And they're happy. Umm, happy-ish. Well, the songs were. Some of them. 

Let's talk about The Beach Boys for a quick second. Okay so fine, I admit it, I'm all up with Beach Boys now. Which will always be weird to me. I mean, I've always known them and known their most popular surfing and car songs. I know that there was Brian and Mike. That they were all mostly related. That the drummer Dennis died because he drowned. I knew that they were on Full House. Surfin' USA was/is on my exercise/dance playlist. Which we will not speak about. And then it happened, like it always does. And I totally called it. 

So, the movie Love & Mercy came out in the summer. I saw the trailer on TV and I said it looked good and that we needed to see it. So we did (my sister and I). Before going to see it, I said to myself: "You're going to be all Beach Boys because of this." To which I answered back: "No, you're crazy, this is not like Jersey Boys." The movie was great and I learned a lot of things I didn't know about The Beach Boys and especially Brian. It did make me want to listen to some of their music, which we did, but there was no craziness there. Right? Wrong. After that, my sister was all like "Oh, there's this movie that they made in the '90s about them, I wonder if I can find it." She found it and we watched it and that's when it happened. You see their story and it piques your interest. Long story short: It led to buying and reading two books, the downloading and listening to their entire discography (that's like 27 albums and 375 songs), buying of their vinyl albums (still need more), buying tickets to their upcoming show, watching documentaries, watching another movie about them and developing a love of Dennis Wilson (because why wouldn't I go for the bad boy who's also the dead one?!) Sidenote: Two of the original Beach Boys are dead now (sadness). And also--Dennis Wilson's solo stuff is beyond amazing. Also again, buy me Beach Boys things. Just kidding. Half. 

Believe it or not, I'm actually not crazy obsessed. I know that it sounds like it what with the buying and listening and whatnot. But that's just how I roll. My sister too. When you like something, you do it right. But seriously, there's no psycho obsession. And it feels nice. Just to be totally chill when liking something. It's also because I find it weird that it's me liking The Beach Boys on a deeper level. But there's no going back. Now I know all this shit about them and their songs and stuff. And as much as their music was happy, there was so much drama between them plus the alcoholism and drug use and questionable subject matter of songs. Like the song with real sex noises in the background. Not even kidding. Dennis and some chick recorded it and it's on a song. It both creeps me out and makes me laugh. Because who does that? It's hilarious. It so may or may not have amped up the desire I already had to see California. Anyways--I guess I can add The Beach Boys to my list now. Love it! 

And Newsies. Love it too. I've been listening to the movie soundtrack on and off for a bit. I honestly love it. It's a part of me. I mean, it's been in my life since I was two. And I saw the Broadway play twice this summer which was absolutely amazing. I think it's last day is either today or tomorrow and it makes me sad. It was so perfect seeing it on stage. I'm totally getting the tattoo I want. It's a quote from a Newsies song. No, it's not Seize The Day. I was toying with the idea but now I've decided. I'm going to do it!! 

I did my hair. I cut it a bit (eeeeeee). I have the mentality of a greaser when it comes to my hair. Don't touch my hair. I love my long hair. If you try to, I will cut you. It's not too too short. A few inches shorter. It was necessary to make it healthier. And I did highlights which makes it look lighter. I felt the need to have lighter hair for once.

Holy shit, I just realized how much I fucking swear. (I'm lamely laughing at my attempt at humor). Seriously though, you don't realize how much you swear until you're in a church. Last night was my parent's retirement party and it was in the church basement. Now, I'm not a total heathen. I try not to swear in the church. But damn is it even hard! My cousin Veronica and I even came up with alternative swear words to use while in church. It's so fucking hard, man. So fucking hard. Fuck. (This just popped into my head but--guys who swear? So hot. So fucking hot! Ask my sister, when we watch something I'm always like "Oh my God, _____ just said fuck, ahh so hot!!" That was random but then again that is the point).

I'm dying for these two weeks to pass quickly because then I get to go to Florida!! I have never been as relaxed as I was when I was floating in the pool in Florida. I can't wait to feel that feeling again. It's like a two-week break from the stress of everything in life. I get to lie on a chair by the pool and listen to music and chill and worry about nothing. I'm even looking to get some writing done. That's not really work-work. It's fun work. And then we get to go to Disney and the other parks and basically just have fun. I cannot wait!! 

Oh and Paul McCartney is coming in October and I didn't buy tickets because I've had to spend so much money and now I'm really sad because it's Paul. Even though I saw him once. As a Beatles Freak, I have to see any members of the Beatles every time they come. It's law. Sigh. I might be sad the day before and go crazy and try to buy scalpers tickets. Probably not. But I'll cry. Also probably not. 

Ahhh birthday and Halloween in October. I need to figure out what I'm doing and what I'm dressing up as, respectively. I'm feeling '60s/'70s. My sister told me to get a surfboard and pretend to be a Beach Boy. I just gave her a look in response. 

I want a frappucino but I'm fat so no. I also want work to be over so I can do what I need to do at home and relax. (Yes I usually write my blog on my iPod while at work. I usually do a lot of things while I'm at work). I'm also fucking hungry and I feel like I want some wine at lunch today. I also need more sleep. Please vacation get here already!! 

Ooh and I made cannoli for my parent's party yesterday and I'm proud of myself. I totally kicked ass, if I do say so myself. It's a pretty complicated Italian dessert and a bitch to make but I did it. And they taste exactly like they're supposed to and I'm so happy they came out. I can totally bake Italian now. Hire me out, people, let's go!!

I'm looking forward to Labor Day when I will have my annual end of summer movie marathon. It used to be my back to school movie marathon. I started it before I went into grade nine and I've done it every year since. I wake up super early and watch movies all day until eleven at night with short breaks in between. The last movie of the marathon is usually the one that reflects the summer or my interests right then. This year it's going to be one of the Beach Boys movies. Yeah yeah I know, leave me alone. Either way, I'm looking forward to it. It's fun. 

That was going to be it but I have a little sidenote. As always. I fucking just dropped my phone in the toilet. No, not because it was in my pocket.

It was no where near the toilet. It was on the counter. I was opening a package and my hand jerked and it hit my phone and it flew. It's currently in rice and I'm hoping it will live. Because it has thousands of pictures and notes and I'll flip the fuck out. Please live, baby iPhone, please. Okay I'm fine.

Anyways, that's it. I hope you enjoyed my word vomit. Even if you didn't, I don't care, you read it either way.

Later!!

A Walking, Talking Contradiction

So there's that line that I just learned was from Seinfeld that goes "a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma" and it pretty much describes me. Albeit with one little change. Throw contradicting as hell and you've got me. I'm rid-mys-enig-tradicting. Okay so I'm reaching a bit with the made up word but it's true.

I've dubbed myself a walking contradiction. A truer statement does not exist. I even wrote a little poem about it once but no one needs to read that right now. (Although you know, I just re-read it and it's not that bad). Looking back on the past and evaluating how I live my life now, I can see that I am always contradicting in almost every aspect. I'm forever cursed with seeing both sides of every argument.

And it's goddamn annoying!!

I chalk it up (mostly) to being under the Libra zodiac sign. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not 100% hippie, follows everything zodiac and phases of the moon but I find horoscopes interesting. I have the app, I check it every day. I think it'd be cool to do my star chart or whatever the hell it's called. And I know I'm 100% pure Libra. Reading the traits instilled in a Libra is like reading my biography, it's scary.

So, Libras are the scales. We like peace and harmony and balance. (AKA my life). And I think that in keeping that balance, a Libra weighs everything in every situation to keep that perfect harmony. That means weighing both sides of any argument or decision or whatever else has two sides.

Now enters the contradiction. I feel like I have opposing views, feelings, values, even, in pretty much every aspect of life. I can't make a goddamn decision without the other side of the scale pulling at me. And even if I'm mad, the voice pokes through the anger to tell me to calm down and to remind me of the other side of the situation. Like I said, it's annoying. But it does help me be the superb voice of reason which my very best friends can tell you. Although I'm sure they sometimes find my insatiable need for peace and harmony a bit exasperating. But it's something that cannot be helped. I can't stop myself from interjecting my opinion where I see fit.

Other than the whole advice-giving, voice of reason, weighing both sides thing, it boils down to me being forever divided within myself. Some examples to put it into perspective:

-I'm equal parts introverted and extroverted. Ambivert it's called.
-I'm a huge dreamer but also a realist.
-I'm seen as a quiet person but I can be loud and crazy and obnoxious.
-Sometimes I'm very "go-go-go!" while others I'm lazy and don't want to do anything.
-I love being with people and hanging out but I also love alone time.
-I'm fiercely independent yet I sometimes need to rely on people.
-I'm insecure as hell but I can come off as confident at times.
-I give good advice but I'm a hypocrite when it comes to taking it.
-I can easily fall into dark, pessimistic moods but I'm optimistic with others.
-I worry all the time but I calm others down when they do the same.
-I'm honest and good yet I can (and do) lie quite easily.
-I can be messy but I'm OCD-organized to a T.
-I hate needles but I have tattoos.
-I'm paranoid and laid-back.
-I'm afraid of many things but I can be fearless and daredevil-ish.
-I can be tom-boy tough and rough but also girlie and a hopeless romantic.
-I'm not always happy with my appearance but I love and accept myself.
-Angst-ridden yet happy; skeptical but trusting.
-I don't have many lady-like qualities but politeness is key with me.
-Sarcastic and snarky but sweet and kind.
-Regal and mature but at certain times, I'm the class clown.
-Sometimes crippled emotionally and bottled up yet easily read.
-Movie buff and a book nerd.
-So obviously born in the present but I live mostly in the past.

There's nothing left to say but of course, there's so much more.

My mind is like a perpetual battle of ping-pong; thoughts smacked back and forth, relentlessly, like a little white ball, ping ping ping ping. But hey, there's always an upside. I can call myself creative at least. My mind is always running so it's bound to spit out something worthwhile every blue moon. And at least I get to hone my advice-giving skills with my pressing need for balance and (over)use of my voice of reason powers.

Eh whatever. I'm over it. Well, half-over. I mean, I see both sides of accepting it and also not accepting it. I mean---oops. Sometimes you just can't turn it off. Never. You can never turn it off.

Rid-mys-enig-tradicting. Try saying that ten times fast. Hell, trying saying it once because I have no idea how.

Let It Go: An Un-Frozen Truth

Sidenote: Before I launch into this, remember this information for later: A "stu cazzo" is an Italian word. It's actually slang that literally means "nothing". Though people use it as an insult or another word for "fuck" or as a derogatory name for someone. Also, "cazzo" means penis. So in effect, you'd be calling someone a dick. I write it as "stu cazz" though many a time it's pronounced as "stugots." Keep all this is mind. 

Let it go.

It's a simple enough suggestion that is far more easier to say than to do. And it was a thing long before Frozen blasted its way onto movie screens and invaded people's lives. 

Forget about the ice queen and her red-haired sister, the noble man and his horse or the adorable snowman who has a penchant for sunshine. This is real. 

Life is often unfair and filled with many hard truths. One of them, maybe the most important is: people are going to treat you like shit. 

Yeah, people are assholes and you're going to come across a few who don't really care about you and treat you accordingly. And it sucks. 

I've been treated like that a few times and I have no patience for it. No one should. I cannot stress how much I want to hammer that principle into everyone's minds. If someone isn't treating you right then it's time to say "bye Felicia." (I've never seen the movie that line comes from, I've only heard people use it and I've been dying to!!)

For me, it all comes down to respect.

Maybe it's some old-school Italian, Godfather-like thing but I believe in it. It all goes back to and ties into respect. If you don't respect me, then I do not have to respect you. You are not worth my time, emotions or thoughts. That's it. Black and white, no grey. There's no in-between when it comes to respect.

One more time for the ones in the back: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. 

If whoever in your life--this lends itself to friends, significant others, maybe family (though that's depending on who, really)--is treating you badly, then screw them. That kind of stuff is toxic and only poisons your life. I'm not saying you should refuse to speak to them or disown them, no. Just don't let their behavior dictate what you do or how you feel. 

If you feel like it's a chore to talk to someone and you're doing it out of anything but genuine desire to talk with them, let it go. When people talk to you only when they have something to say about themselves, let it go. If people expect you to chase them but give you nothing but grief in return, let it go. When respect isn't given, it is not deserved. 

Though I've let go of my own personal no-respect people, I still have the memories of bitterness because it's not quite bitterness in it's true form. It's something that will always be in the back of your mind and if you think about it, you can recall the feeling of anger and/or bitterness. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to let it go a few times. 

And it feels amazing. When you finally do let it go, it's so nice! There is an absolute sweeping happiness that takes over you find yourself laughing. Revenge is great and all that but so is not caring. Believe it or not, when you let it go and decide not to give a shit anymore, you have the power. 

So let it go, feel and relish the sweet airy, zen-like feeling that accompanies it. Sing the song; rejoice! 

The stu cazz never bothered me anyway....