Who Am I?!

Sounds philosophical but it’s not. At least I don’t think so. Anyways.

For pretty much all my life I’ve been a sort of tomboy. I don’t want to say a full-out tomboy because I don’t feel that I had the total qualities of one. I did like to dress primarily in darker colours and mostly jeans and t-shirts or pants in general. I rocked the Converse. Still do. I hated pink. No I mean, I hated pink. And you had to force me to wear dresses. Makeup was up and down for me. Sometimes I wore it, foundation and all, then I went years without wearing any or taking much care in my appearance. (I still cringe). There was that whole thing about always wanting to kick ass Power Rangers style and wanting to be all the male characters in whatever I watched. I was always teetering on the edge of tomboy-ness.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I liked my fair share of girlie things; boy bands, romance movies, a plethora of sexy actors and musicians. (See my obsessions post from way back). I dabbled in makeup and liked painting my nails and all that. Sometimes I liked getting dressed up. But for all intents and purposes, I was more tomboy. My friend always said she wanted to put me on “What Not to Wear.” (Nice, right? Haha)

Let’s not forget my whole stance on modern music. There’s a blog post on that too. I still detest 85% of modern music. But for a while, I was seemingly filled with an angry hate for modern music. This was in the beginning of my Beatles conversion. (Still the best band in the world might I add).

Moving on to the point of this word vomit.

One day, the sky opened up, a bolt of lightning flashed and hit me. It changed my insides and so then I became different. Or—not. I found myself slowly changing over time. I got back into makeup and never left. Half of the reason I wear makeup is to cover up my gross acne (don’t get me started though it’s better now) but the other half is because I like it. I think it makes me look good. I even fill out my eyebrows!! I wear makeup whenever I go out with an exception of a few places. I’ve gotten into shellac and I get my nails done every two weeks. I’m rarely without painted nails. In the summer I like to have a pedicure as well. I go to the hairdresser more frequently to have my hair dyed and styled (I got cool bangs, yo). And I like to dress a bit differently, sometimes a little more girlie. I feel that I’m taking more pride in my appearance and that I want to look all good and pretty and shit. (Well at least my sailor’s mouth is still intact).

Oh and I like pink. Kind of. I like pink. I know, it’s catastrophic. I wear pink things and sometimes paint my nails pink. My favorite lipstick is bright pink. I know. I’m shocked too.

I spent $75 at Sephora and became a beauty insider or whatever. ME. I bought Victorian-style boots that look all fancy. I chose to wear dresses now. I downloaded the Starbucks app and intend to get a gold card. I like to wear pearls. I have a fancy watch. I take a long time to get ready because I’m perfecting my makeup. I sometimes wear heels. (They still hurt me so I’m not quite there yet). I do wear flats a lot though. I know there’s more. I sometimes post selfies. And sometimes with song quotes. *GASP*

*cries* SINCE WHEN AM I A WOMAN?!?!

Oh and let’s not forget the music. Now, I have my fair share of modern songs. I always have. But I swear, this year I have downloaded so many modern songs it’s not funny. One Justin Bieber song. Just one. And then there’s the One Direction thing. Yes, I said One Direction. Some may toss around the words “new obsession” but that’s neither here nor there. I liked them when they came out. I had a few of their songs. But all of a sudden, recently, it was just BOOM. Now I’m all into them. I listened to all of their albums. (They have a lot of great stuff, by the way. I suggest checking out “If I Could Fly” because holy shit). I’ve picked a favorite. (Louis heehee, *girlie giggles* Also, forever attracted to Harry’s long hair). I also may be listening to them as I write this. (You and me got a whole lot of history….)

Let’s face it. I’m a woman. And more into modern music. (Though my ranting on how most modern music sucks is still intact. ‘50s & ‘60s music FTW!!) (And see—I’m using some modern slang. Whaaaaaaat?!)

Like I always say, I’m never just one thing. I’m a walking contradiction. (I have a poem I wrote about that lying around somewhere….) And I have also deduced that you can be tough, kick ass, and still look good doing it.

Ironically, I have a toothpick hanging from my mouth as I write this like I’m some rough cowboy type. So, the tomboy still lurks somewhere.

Of course, none of this is to be taken seriously. There’s nothing wrong with being any certain way. And liking all I mentioned doesn’t equate to being a woman. A woman is a woman and that’s it. It’s all meant to be tongue-in-cheek. I’m perfectly happy being a mix of tough (tough?! Right!!) and girlie.

Remember: you can kick-ass and still look hot doing it!! It’s called being a woman. ;)

Peace.

F is for Feminist

Feminism: The theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.

I’ve always considered myself a feminist. I’ve always believed that women should be treated equally to men. I’ve always felt an intense anger when I would see or read anything about women being treated like lesser beings. Watching anything where the man was in charge and had a sense of ownership over a woman was enough to make my head spin. (It still is). If I lived in those times (which I often say I’d want to but only because the music was better) I think heads would roll. I’m sure I’d butt heads with any man who’d try any of that controlling bullshit. But I digress. Despite all of that, I don’t think I ever fully understood the meaning of feminism. It goes beyond the “I can do anything a man can do” mentality. In fact, that doesn’t even scratch the surface.

But first, a little background mixed in with opinions that will probably go off in tangents:

I was the type of kid who played games like secret agent or spies or something of the like. I distinctly remember running around in a black tank top and black pants, because that’s totally the official uniform of spy-dom, toting my binoculars and other secret agent/spy paraphernalia and fighting evil bad guys. I was raised in the generation of Power Rangers and I had the innate need to kick ass. Just ask all of my guy cousins how many times I “threatened” to beat them up. Imagine a skinny, made-of-nothing girl (oh how things have changed) trying to beat up a full-grown man. Funny and a little embarrassing, yes. But that was me.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that. Except the fact that when I related myself to the characters I watched, I was always the guy. Maybe I can attribute that to my half-tomboy status but it was due mostly to the fact that the guy characters were better in a sense. They had more screen time, they were the main characters, they were actually given the chance to do something; whatever the case was, I was always drawn to the male characters. I wanted to be Tommy, the White Ranger, from Power Rangers. Though I will say that the female characters were equally kick-ass, I always gravitated towards Tommy. (He was also really hot). I didn’t want to be a man, I wanted to be who I thought was the cooler character. Even in The A-Team. I loved that show and still do. But it was about a group of four men. They had a few women but they weren’t in the thick of things like the members of The A-Team were. And if they ever were, they were portrayed as scared and in need of the men’s help. So, I was Face. Who, again, was coincidentally really hot.

That was my childhood. In my mind I was always the girl version of whoever I was emulating. I was never a guy. Why? Put simply—there hardly any girl characters who did that level of ass-kicking. Again, I realize there were girl power rangers but I wanted to be Tommy. I think maybe because he was the leader. I didn’t just want to kick ass; I wanted to lead too. That’s not to say there weren’t any awesome woman characters out there. Personally, I mostly gravitated towards the male ones. Looking back as an adult, I realize that there were many shows and movies with strong female characters. But not enough. It’s never enough.

When I was a teenager it all began to change. Enter Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, Charlie’s Angels the Movie, etc. There are literally so many examples and they only keep growing as time goes on. Right now we have Supergirl, Agent Carter, Jessica Jones and also shows like Madam Secretary, The Blacklist, etc. Back then that was all I needed. I started watching more shows that featured women who kicked ass and in many different ways. I came to realize that kicking ass doesn’t just mean being physically strong and beating up bad guys (even though that definitely rocks). I realized that the strong women I was watching were people who yes, kicked ass, but they also had jobs, families, relationships, etc. They were modern women who were leaders and juggled a shit-ton of responsibilities. They weren’t in the background or overshadowed by men. It made me realize how I always was and how I always wanted to be.

I, like a lot of women I’ve read about, struggled with wanting to look good and feminine and also be taken seriously. It seems like it’s a fine line sometimes and it shouldn’t be. How many countless movies, TV shows, books portray a woman who’s all into her looks as ditzy? Surely a woman who spends time on her makeup and nails is nothing more than a vapid, brainless waste of space. Well, I call BULLSHIT. I’ve deduced it quite simply for myself: women can look good and kick ass. Oh and hey guess what? We’re smart. I know that this applies more so to women from a long time ago and that we’ve come a long way but the idea isn’t exactly obsolete either. There’s always going to be that lingering notion, even if it’s just a whisper. Buffy taught me that you can look amazing in a mini-skirt and boots and be smart and kick some ass. She once defeated a demon while wearing a (hideous) bridesmaid dress. I mean, come on!! Embrace your femininity, let it shine but never let anyone take you for granted because of it. You see that stereotype or double standard? Smash it with a sledgehammer. And if you break a nail, you totally have the right to be upset because ain’t nobody likes a chipped manicure.

In respect to the looks vs. brains problem, I always think of Marilyn Monroe. She was perhaps one of the most beautiful and sexiest women ever to have lived. And it’s a shame that she was perceived only as such. Everyone saw her as some dumb blonde, especially the men in her life who seemed to only want to control her or have a piece of her. But she was smart, more than anyone ever thought and more than anyone ever knew. It’s a shame that she was thought of only a fantasy woman who was only good for one thing. But she knew what she was doing and she played the game. There was also Lucille Ball who was a pioneer and a role model. Moving away from Hollywood and further back in time, there were the women who started the feminist movement in the ‘60s, the women who were suffragists and obtained the vote. How about Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Nellie Bly, etc. and so forth because the list of important women could go on forever. And of course, there are the countless women of today who have made and continue to make a difference. Emma Watson, Malala Yousafzai; just to name a few. And the countless women in between.

Flash back to now. Despite the representation of women in the media and the stereotype of beauty not equaling brains being important, there are many other pressing issues that encapsulates feminism. Feminism is about equality, plain and simple. Women should be paid equally, treated equally (in the workplace, in politics; everywhere), allowed to make decisions about their body without input from anyone else. And then of course there is the looming dark cloud fear of rape and assault. It’s a sad fact of life that women need to always be careful because some idiot could come along and harass, assault or even worse, rape them. And that’s disgusting. Life should not be like that, for anyone but we as women are always told to be careful because we have to be. And it’s not fair. And what’s more—women should be able to dress any way they’d like to without persecution, without name-calling and without blame. And it (almost) goes without saying that we hate the sexist bullshit that we sometimes (always) hear.

I should say that despite the ongoing problems we still face, I am grateful to live in the country I do. There are places in the world where women have next to no rights at all. They may as well be still living in the middle ages, under enough oppression to drive anyone crazy. What’s even worse is that more often than not, they don’t have a voice and are left no choice but live in such archaic ways.  

Like I said, I always referred to myself as a feminist. I believe in equal rights for all, in every capacity. But I feel that I wasn’t as informed as I should be. I was a lazy feminist, for lack of better term. That’s not to say that being a feminist means you have to be constantly protesting or picketing or climbing on the soapbox and spewing your opinions every chance you get. I mean, that’s great if that’s what you do. Fight the good fight and all that. As long as you believe in equality of the sexes and do your part to get it, you are a feminist. If you say you are then I believe that you are. Of course, it pays to be active. I decided that I needed to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. I started doing my research and I found a few books to read on feminism. I want to be properly informed. I want to be more of an active feminist. I’ve been reading a fair amount of articles lately and it has opened my eyes. I want to live up to my belief in feminism. I want to do more than only read articles and inform people that I’m a feminist. I do vote and while I’m not overly political, I do make sure to vote every time there is a need to. We as women didn’t always have the vote and now that we do, it’s important to use it. That’s one way to make a difference.

I was struck by the urge to inform myself better by two things. One of them is Nellie Bly. She was a reporter in New York in the late 1800s and she was revolutionary in the world of reporting. I think she paved the way for the women reporters who came after her. She demanded to be heard and didn’t stop until she was taken seriously. She went undercover in an insane asylum in order to write an exposé. Her article blew the lid off of the place and she was responsible for the changes that were made to the asylum. I suggest everyone read her article, 10 Days in a Madhouse. It is truly amazing. It’s worth mentioning that there’s a movie about it that will soon be out and that I can’t wait to see. Nellie also traveled around the world in seventy-two days and wrote an article about it. In short, she was a remarkable and inspiring woman. The second thing that inspired me was seeing all of these articles and videos on Facebook and other social media outlets. It forces you to realize what’s really going on in the world around you. So, I then made the decision to get informed.

One of the most important things I’ve learned so far is that there are many different kinds of feminist. It’s not as black and white and some might think. The common misconception is that feminist are angry women who don’t shave at all and who protest and fight. Some of them are. That’s perfectly fine. There are some feminists that are all about their career and some who are happy being stay-at-home moms and caring for their home and family. Some are Pro-Life and some Pro-Choice. You can be whoever you want, who you truly are, and still be a feminist, as long as you believe in all equality. And that means for everyone. It doesn’t matter who you are; what your skin color is, your religion, your ethnicity, your sexual orientation/gender identity, etc. Everyone deserves equal rights and that’s what feminism is. And that’s something I whole-heartedly believe in.

Also, a side-note: Feminists don’t hate men. I mean, really? That’s nothing but senseless logic. Why the hell would we hate men? We obviously need men. If feminists hated men and wanted to overthrow them and be the better gender, as some people think, then we would be accomplishing nothing. It’s so simple it hurts. Equality. Done, finished, the end.

So, I will keep informing myself and I will try and spread the feminist word any way I can. I will also take pride in being a woman and never forget the sacrifices that other women before me have made. I will be a feminist, in my own way. And if need be, I’ll kick some ass. Just don’t make me chip my nails or ruin my eye-liner because then heads will roll.