Nothing Changes: Why It Sucks When You're Made to Feel You Can't Handle Yourself

Can someone please tell me why in 2017 we’re still going with this bullshit theory that boys can take care of themselves better than girls?

Either nothing really has changed or I hit my head somewhere and somehow got magically transported to 1920. Which would be fun except the whole part about women not being able to do anything, even thinking, without the aid of someone else.

This may not be the sole factor in my argument but I believe it’s the starting point. It’s the crux, the reason, the nucleus of an extremely annoying dilemma.

Picture this: A family consisting of at least one daughter and one son. There can be more of each, it doesn’t matter, as long as there is one boy and one girl involved. Let’s say they’re both over eighteen years old; the age in which you are legally an adult.

Just for fun, the definition of adult: “An adult is a mature, fully developed person. An adult has reached the age when they are legally responsible for their actions.” –Collins Dictionary

Therefore, by definition, an adult is a person who is legally responsible for themselves. So then why is it that an adult son can seemingly do whatever they please while the adult daughter has to pass through a written test and an obstacle course before stepping out of the front door? Could it be because society has forced the notion into our brains that men can take care of themselves? And that women, being small, naïve, and innocent, need someone to be with them at all times? Even if the person with them is, ironically, another woman? Yes, I understand the strength in numbers theory. But if someone is going to kidnap you, they’re not going to stop because your friend is with you. They’re probably going to kidnap you both.

I will admit that women are perceived as the easier targets in most people’s minds therefore making us more vulnerable in the eyes of predators. I don’t pretend to ignore the fact that women have to be more careful because of this. When it comes to sexual assault, women tend to be the victims almost ten times more than men do. I don’t ignore this either.

Women should be cognizant of that fact and take the proper precautions in keeping themselves safe. However, that does not mean never doing anything alone because there is a chance you may be assaulted. There also is a chance you may be in a car crash, a plane crash, struck by lightning, or get hit by a bus. You could also fall down the stairs, choke on a hot dog, or fall out of a tree. Going by this logic alone you could also get bit by a vampire, mauled by a werewolf, or kidnapped by a witch who wants to feed you candy and cook you in an oven. I’d wager you have more of a chance with the vampire.

I am not ignorant. I understand that assault is real and that it happens more often than it should. I could even go as far as saying it’s gotten worse as time goes on. I understand that you shouldn’t put yourself in situations that could potentially cause you harm. There is a reason you don’t walk completely alone at night in seedy areas or go down dark alleys. I will be the first person to tell you that as a woman you have to be more careful and aware. It’s the sad reality of our life.

But in no way am I saying we have to stop living our lives because of it; because of the threat of something that may or may not happen. It’s ridiculous and it’s one of the many things that has always sparked anger in me. Couple that with the implications that you don’t understand what you’re talking about when you attempt defending yourself; it’s a recipe for your (well-placed) anger.

It brings me back to the double standard that’s put upon us as women. Our brothers, male cousins, male friends, etc. seemingly have the freedom to go and do as they please. If you don’t believe that’s true than I will outright laugh in your face. No one bats an eye if a man wants to go somewhere alone whether it be to the store, out on the town, or even on a trip out of the country. There is worry, of course, but it’s the normal amount of worry. They’re sent on their way with a “be careful” and maybe a vague promise to keep in touch. Suggest the same as a woman? Be prepared to answer a million questions, defend your reason for daring to leave the house, and possibly fill out some paperwork.

Suggest it in an Italian household (or any household rooted in old world ideals? Haha. Good luck. I wish you the very best and that you come out of it with your sanity intact. You won’t, by the way.

I believe that as long as you are aware, mindful, and prepared, there is no problem. You have to be smart about what you’re doing and where you’re going, of course. You need to be able to read situations at all times. That’s just good life practice. But the point is you can’t stop living your life or not live it to the fullest. You deserve to go where you want to go and do what you want to do. Again, just don’t be an idiot. As long as you’re smart and aware, you’ll be fine.

Most people don’t see the value in doing things alone. No one wants to be alone, of course. It’s nice to share experiences with other people. Although if you are someone who enjoys being alone over being with others, then all the power to you. It’s refreshing to do some things by yourself. It’s an important life skill to learn how to exist on your own. Because if you can’t learn to be alone with yourself, how can you expect someone else to? Or so “they” say. Also, it’s pretty damn important to be independent in this world. Contrary to the belief of some people in my life, I consider myself to be quite independent. I do what I want to do and I get myself where I need to go. And if I don’t know how to do something or get somewhere, I learn. Shocker.

Sometimes you just need to breathe. I love having alone time every once in a while. I need it. I go to the movies alone sometimes, or out to store, or into the city. Sometimes you need some space, some fresh air, some time to breathe by yourself. Maybe it isn’t for everyone. Although I’d argue it should be. Learning to do things alone makes you a stronger person in the end. Depending on someone else for everything is not healthy. It also implies that if you can’t find someone to do what you want to do, you have to miss out. No thank you is the only non-explicit way I can express my anger without letting loose a stream of curses.

There is so much I want to experience on my own. I want to go on a trip or vacation. I want to live on my own for a while. I kick myself daily for not going away for college and having that experience then. I think it’s important for me to live on my own and have that experience before I get married (whenever that may happen, if ever, but please happen). As I get older, I’m realizing that I don’t particularly like the idea of moving from my parents’ house to a house with my future husband. Quite frankly, I feel like I’ve waited too long to be fully independent and now the desire to be is too strong to push down.

It boils down to my anger at being told I can’t do something or shouldn’t do something independently because it’s not safe or something may happen. I’m stubborn and it brings up a deep-seated anger that I’m all too familiar with. I also do not take too well to people giving me orders or trying to enforce their ways on me. My defensive side flares and I cannot be held accountable for what comes out of my mouth.

I think society needs to smarten up as a whole. Maybe spend time teaching your daughters how to be smart and independent. Arm them with the knowledge and preparation they need to make it in the world. Worry when it’s time to worry and worry the right amount. But don’t hold them back. It doesn’t help when you transfer all of your worry onto them and make them feel scared and unsure. It’s a horrible feeling and it’s destructive behavior. Take my advice, don’t do it. Smart, aware, knowledgeable is better than scared and dependent.

It’s time for the times to start changing. But, will they? Will you? As always, time will tell. But I remain unmoving and independent.

No, You’re Not Crazy: The Perils of Fandom Life

Okay listen, let me say this as a sort-of disclaimer—this is going to come off as a rant. In many ways it is a rant. BUT it’s also just a way for me to get all of my thoughts out on this subject. Take it any way you want, I suggest with a grain of salt, and I’ll try my best not to unload too much on you.

(Note: I realize the title is a tad dramatic but hello, this is me we’re talking about).

It goes without saying that I am one to deeply get into things. Whether it be movies, shows, or bands. I fall hard like people fall in love (wow, dramatic again) and it’s a whole head-over-heels scenario. Others call it “obsession.” So do I. Begrudgingly. I hate that word. It’s somewhat negative and implies craziness. Which, wonderful, right? (Sarcasm). But, I digress. It is what it is.

As I was saying—I fall into my “obsessions.” I’ve literally been that way since I was a kid. (Good ol’ Barney the dinosaur. Good times). If you want a list of everything I’ve gone in for, there’s a post on this blog floating around somewhere. Yes, it’s a long list. No, I don’t care if you think it’s crazy.

Which brings me to my point.

THERE IS NO CRAZY HERE.

One more time for posterity’s sake:

THERE. IS. NO. CRAZY. HERE.

THIS. IS. NOT. THE. CRAZY. YOU’RE. LOOKING. FOR.

CRAZY. HAS. NO. RELEVENCE.

Did you get that? Because it’s in caps and bolded just in case.

I know this is going to come off as nothing more than babbling and complaining (which it very well may be) but sometimes I need to get it out of my head.

Backstory in a nutshell: I’m into One Direction (as a band and as solo artists). It’s been almost a year now. (Holy shit, what the fuck?!) Obviously everyone knows this about me. Because let’s be honest, when am I ever able to keep my “obsessions” from people? If I like it, you’ll know about it. Fuck you if you don’t like it. Anyways, I’m into them and always will be. We’re talking the level of The Beatles (my #1 band forever). They’re here to stay. I have a lyric tattoo for Christ’s sake, so trust me. How fitting it is that I’m listening to one of their songs right now.

Moving on….

I hate how when you’re a certain way (AKA “obsessed” with something), people write you off as crazy. I swear sometimes it burns into my soul. I find myself constantly bouncing back and forth between “I like what I like, fuck you all” and “I’m not crazy. Why can’t I just be left alone and happy with what I like?”

Dramatic, maybe. But it’s true. I wager that it’s true for many other people. It’s almost like you’re constantly being judged for what you like. Or rather, the way in which you like it. Not a lot of people understand. Thank God for social media and online communities or else people like me would be fucked. A moment of silence for the people who went through “obsessions” before the internet. At least there’s some comfort in knowing that there are thousands, if not a million or so, people who truly understand. And I’m grateful for that. But it’s a small comfort. It would be nice for the people who know you in real life to be that understanding.

And I get it. I really, truly do. If people are not like you, they don’t understand it. And when people don’t understand, their reactions reflect as such, albeit negatively most of the time. This quote from the move Lansky (gangsters, I know) fits:

“People dislike what they do not understand.”

Well, glory hallelujah.  No shit.

My message is simple: we are not crazy. At least, not all of us. Yes, there are fans who take it way too far. Unfortunately, it is people like that who ruin it for the rest of the fandom. And when I say fandom, I mean any fandom. It’s the same across the board. Specifically, I’m writing about myself being in the One Direction fandom at the moment. Though I’ve experienced this in every fandom I’ve been in and through every “obsession” I’ve had.

When you’re “obsessed” (still fucking hate that word) you get extremely overexcited and wrapped up in it all. It becomes a big part of your life. Whether it stays in your life forever or rides itself out eventually holds no weight. When you’re in, you’re all in. It’s intoxicating and exciting and (mostly) fun to be a part of. The only thing that makes it suck is how the people around you react. People who don’t get it make you feel crazy, even if it isn’t their intention. Judgement is not always in words. It’s in eyes, facial expressions, and in jokes that seem harmless enough. But we all know that there is always a hint of truth in a lot of jokes. (“Many a true word is spoken in jest”). Of course, there are people who straight-up look down on you. People who will call you crazy and mean it. That’s even worse.

I think I’m mostly upset over the fact that I used to be able to unapologetically like things. When I was younger, I truly didn’t give a fuck and I was happily into whatever I was into. Now, it feels almost like I’m guarded most of the time. I rein it in. Though I still can’t help it when I get excited. I like to share my excitement. I’m the type of person who can’t keep excitement in, I want to tell the world. But when you’re met with uncaring stares or vague jokey comments about how crazy you are, it puts a damper on everything. You sometimes doubt your own feelings afterwards, wondering if maybe you’re wrong to feel that way. Shit, maybe you are crazy. That self-doubt makes me a mixture of sick and angry. Honestly, I know this is because of my anxiety. Hands down. It keeps me from enjoying anything fully and unapologetically. But I still hate being made to feel crazy.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that people be happy that you’re so excited by something. I think it’s good to feel deeply about something, about anything. It means you’re alive. It may sound silly to say this in regards to movies or music but it rings true. When you feel anything with passion and exhilaration, you’re living. And shame on anyone who makes you feel wrong or doubtful about it. I love when people get excited about something they like. It makes me happy to watch them. I feel happy for them. Because I understand. And I try my hardest to show that I appreciate their excitement and be excited for them. Admittedly, I find it hard sometimes, depending on who it is. It never fails to amuse me (and slightly infuriate me) when people call you weird or crazy and then turn around and get excited over something they like. Well, then. Thanks. **insert eye-roll/sarcastic emoji here**

Allow me a small detour to rant:

Harry Styles is dropping a single/album/music video soon. (Fuck me, am I right?) I’m more than a little excited about it. Because hello, Harry Styles. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all of the 1D boys and Louis is my number one. I’ve definitely flipped my shit over him and his solo single. But Harry’s whole thing is going to be exciting AF. I, jokingly, suggested I wanted to take off work on the day he’s releasing his music because how am I going to function?!?! Haha. But now I kind of seriously want to. So many people are, actually, as I’ve seen on Twitter. I’ve been told this is crazy. Well, allow me to illustrate how it’s not. How many people have fucked off from work because of a sports game? Or because of a concert? Or to line up for something? Or to stay home and watch movies or whatever? You get the point. The answer is a lot. So many people have done that and will do that until the end of time. Is it crazy? NO. Jesus Christ, no it isn’t. Enjoy life for Christ’s sake. My eyes threaten to roll so far back into my head, I won’t be able to bring them back. (Also no, I’m also not saying you should up and leave work just because. Not every job is flexible. But if you can afford to take the day off, then do it. Live your life. Anything, big or small, is living so go for it!!)

I may be a little salty. As you can probably tell by the excessive swearing and slightly angry under-tones. I just don’t get how being in a fandom/being into something is so crazy. Or how being excited for something is crazy. Are you hurting anyone? No. So, what’s the issue here? Nothing, that’s what. Bottom line, it’s nice to be a part of something and to feel so deeply about something. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. When you feel deeply, you care deeply and you’re open and maybe a bit more honest than most people. At least, I like to think so. Maybe it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it’s important to the individual person.

I’m only speaking for myself but I have a strong feeling that I’m not the only one who feels this way. So, if you do, here’s to you. Love what you love, get crazy excited, lose your mind, and enjoy every minute of it. There are enough problems and serious shit in the world. There’s enough darkness to actually drive you crazy. So, find something you love and run with it; feel the light.

I’m forever working on my anxiety. One day I hope to get back to where I can like things unapologetically. Though I also think guarding yourself and holding your cards close to your chest when you really like something, is a product of getting older. It’s difficult to be as carefree as we were as kids. But it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

I hope this jumbled mess made sense. Maybe there’s even some wisdom hiding in here too.

Enjoy life, people. It’s too short to not have passion and excitement.

Also, fuck the haters. Because, fuck the haters!!

And just because I’m me, I’ll end with a lyric. And because I’m my “obsessed” self, it’s from Louis Tomlinson’s song:

“The sun goes down and it comes back up, the world it turns no matter what. If it all goes wrong, darling just hold on.” (Just Hold On—Louis Tomlinson and Steve Aoki)

~~Peace~~