A Walking, Talking Contradiction

So there's that line that I just learned was from Seinfeld that goes "a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma" and it pretty much describes me. Albeit with one little change. Throw contradicting as hell and you've got me. I'm rid-mys-enig-tradicting. Okay so I'm reaching a bit with the made up word but it's true.

I've dubbed myself a walking contradiction. A truer statement does not exist. I even wrote a little poem about it once but no one needs to read that right now. (Although you know, I just re-read it and it's not that bad). Looking back on the past and evaluating how I live my life now, I can see that I am always contradicting in almost every aspect. I'm forever cursed with seeing both sides of every argument.

And it's goddamn annoying!!

I chalk it up (mostly) to being under the Libra zodiac sign. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not 100% hippie, follows everything zodiac and phases of the moon but I find horoscopes interesting. I have the app, I check it every day. I think it'd be cool to do my star chart or whatever the hell it's called. And I know I'm 100% pure Libra. Reading the traits instilled in a Libra is like reading my biography, it's scary.

So, Libras are the scales. We like peace and harmony and balance. (AKA my life). And I think that in keeping that balance, a Libra weighs everything in every situation to keep that perfect harmony. That means weighing both sides of any argument or decision or whatever else has two sides.

Now enters the contradiction. I feel like I have opposing views, feelings, values, even, in pretty much every aspect of life. I can't make a goddamn decision without the other side of the scale pulling at me. And even if I'm mad, the voice pokes through the anger to tell me to calm down and to remind me of the other side of the situation. Like I said, it's annoying. But it does help me be the superb voice of reason which my very best friends can tell you. Although I'm sure they sometimes find my insatiable need for peace and harmony a bit exasperating. But it's something that cannot be helped. I can't stop myself from interjecting my opinion where I see fit.

Other than the whole advice-giving, voice of reason, weighing both sides thing, it boils down to me being forever divided within myself. Some examples to put it into perspective:

-I'm equal parts introverted and extroverted. Ambivert it's called.
-I'm a huge dreamer but also a realist.
-I'm seen as a quiet person but I can be loud and crazy and obnoxious.
-Sometimes I'm very "go-go-go!" while others I'm lazy and don't want to do anything.
-I love being with people and hanging out but I also love alone time.
-I'm fiercely independent yet I sometimes need to rely on people.
-I'm insecure as hell but I can come off as confident at times.
-I give good advice but I'm a hypocrite when it comes to taking it.
-I can easily fall into dark, pessimistic moods but I'm optimistic with others.
-I worry all the time but I calm others down when they do the same.
-I'm honest and good yet I can (and do) lie quite easily.
-I can be messy but I'm OCD-organized to a T.
-I hate needles but I have tattoos.
-I'm paranoid and laid-back.
-I'm afraid of many things but I can be fearless and daredevil-ish.
-I can be tom-boy tough and rough but also girlie and a hopeless romantic.
-I'm not always happy with my appearance but I love and accept myself.
-Angst-ridden yet happy; skeptical but trusting.
-I don't have many lady-like qualities but politeness is key with me.
-Sarcastic and snarky but sweet and kind.
-Regal and mature but at certain times, I'm the class clown.
-Sometimes crippled emotionally and bottled up yet easily read.
-Movie buff and a book nerd.
-So obviously born in the present but I live mostly in the past.

There's nothing left to say but of course, there's so much more.

My mind is like a perpetual battle of ping-pong; thoughts smacked back and forth, relentlessly, like a little white ball, ping ping ping ping. But hey, there's always an upside. I can call myself creative at least. My mind is always running so it's bound to spit out something worthwhile every blue moon. And at least I get to hone my advice-giving skills with my pressing need for balance and (over)use of my voice of reason powers.

Eh whatever. I'm over it. Well, half-over. I mean, I see both sides of accepting it and also not accepting it. I mean---oops. Sometimes you just can't turn it off. Never. You can never turn it off.

Rid-mys-enig-tradicting. Try saying that ten times fast. Hell, trying saying it once because I have no idea how.

Art Influences Life, Life Imitates Art

"Life imitates art far more than art imitates Life."

-Oscar Wilde

Exactly. This is the point I'm driving at in this post. Most people think that movies (or TV shows and books for that matter) are nothing more than a source of entertainment. I disagree. Everything that we watch influences us in someway even if we don't know it. Not every movie or TV show you watch is going to hit you like a lightning bolt but the influence or message, is there.

Granted, not everything has that clear cut influence. Watching something like The Room only leaves you with the knowledge that writers and directors make bad choices. 

I feel like movies and all that are forever teaching us about different aspects of life. Besides being there for our viewing pleasure, we're essentially watching other people's lives unfold before us. I read this article once about the benefit of being an avid reader (which I am) and it said that one of the benefits is having had so many life experiences without actually experiencing much. That's exactly what movies are. You may not be on the run from a group if evil people who want to kill you but I guarantee you just learned something.

I attribute all of my "wisdom" to this. (It feels weird self-centeredly implying that I have wisdom so I use quotation marks).  I give a lot of advice and from what I know, it's been pretty good advice. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't live a terribly exciting and adventurous life so this so-called wisdom has to come from somewhere.

It isn't much of a stretch. You live vicariously through the characters that you watch. It's no different than watching someone you know go through something. You decide in your mind that either you'll never make their mistakes or that you know exactly how you'd handle it if it were you. Besides, someone had to write that story to begin with. And they say that you can only write what you know. It starts with basic human experience and is twisted into events that are never likely to happen but the bare bones of it don't change. 

Ultimately I think you have to be hit with the right thing at the right time. That's why I will always agree with kids having to read The Outsiders in grade seven or eight. (Despite the fact that I didn't and discovered it myself in grade nine). You immediatly identify with Ponyboy because he's your age and even though the circumstances may be a little much in your average teenage life, the values and teachings behind it are relevent. And it's something that will be in your mind and your heart and that you'll take with you in your adult life. I did. Obsession with the book and movie aside, I feel a strong connection to it. Plus, I totally have a "Stay Gold" tattoo so....

Newsies will always be the biggest one for me. I saw it first as a very young child. Despite the fact that the music is great and the dancing boys are hot, it taught me to always dream, to never give up what you believe even if you are tempted with taking the easy way out. I sometimes think my love of New York City came about because of this movie. I was also introduced to how awesome New York Italians can be. Oh and duh, boys who sing and dance!! Hello!! (Sigh--I think there's a new tattoo on the horizon....)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer taught me that women kick ass!! (As if we didn't always!!) It taught me that you can be a strong, kick-ass woman but it also means that you don't have to be hard and mean and almost like a man to achieve strong woman status. You can kick ass, look good doing it, be a bit girlie and sensitive, of course.

Way too many to mention. Those two were the major ones. I've learned wisdom, good advice, bad advice, pieces of history, songs, words that I had never heard or used before, facts, life in different eras, etc and so on. 

And then there was Power Rangers which I think just turned me into an annoying little shit who wanted to fight and beat people up....

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the only one who sees things this way. I doubt it, though. Think back to childhood. What did you watch that defined your young life? What taught you about things you didn't know? What shocked or inspired you? What gave you comfort? What shaped some of your ideals? I'm a hundred percent sure you have an answer. 

Let It Go: An Un-Frozen Truth

Sidenote: Before I launch into this, remember this information for later: A "stu cazzo" is an Italian word. It's actually slang that literally means "nothing". Though people use it as an insult or another word for "fuck" or as a derogatory name for someone. Also, "cazzo" means penis. So in effect, you'd be calling someone a dick. I write it as "stu cazz" though many a time it's pronounced as "stugots." Keep all this is mind. 

Let it go.

It's a simple enough suggestion that is far more easier to say than to do. And it was a thing long before Frozen blasted its way onto movie screens and invaded people's lives. 

Forget about the ice queen and her red-haired sister, the noble man and his horse or the adorable snowman who has a penchant for sunshine. This is real. 

Life is often unfair and filled with many hard truths. One of them, maybe the most important is: people are going to treat you like shit. 

Yeah, people are assholes and you're going to come across a few who don't really care about you and treat you accordingly. And it sucks. 

I've been treated like that a few times and I have no patience for it. No one should. I cannot stress how much I want to hammer that principle into everyone's minds. If someone isn't treating you right then it's time to say "bye Felicia." (I've never seen the movie that line comes from, I've only heard people use it and I've been dying to!!)

For me, it all comes down to respect.

Maybe it's some old-school Italian, Godfather-like thing but I believe in it. It all goes back to and ties into respect. If you don't respect me, then I do not have to respect you. You are not worth my time, emotions or thoughts. That's it. Black and white, no grey. There's no in-between when it comes to respect.

One more time for the ones in the back: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. 

If whoever in your life--this lends itself to friends, significant others, maybe family (though that's depending on who, really)--is treating you badly, then screw them. That kind of stuff is toxic and only poisons your life. I'm not saying you should refuse to speak to them or disown them, no. Just don't let their behavior dictate what you do or how you feel. 

If you feel like it's a chore to talk to someone and you're doing it out of anything but genuine desire to talk with them, let it go. When people talk to you only when they have something to say about themselves, let it go. If people expect you to chase them but give you nothing but grief in return, let it go. When respect isn't given, it is not deserved. 

Though I've let go of my own personal no-respect people, I still have the memories of bitterness because it's not quite bitterness in it's true form. It's something that will always be in the back of your mind and if you think about it, you can recall the feeling of anger and/or bitterness. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to let it go a few times. 

And it feels amazing. When you finally do let it go, it's so nice! There is an absolute sweeping happiness that takes over you find yourself laughing. Revenge is great and all that but so is not caring. Believe it or not, when you let it go and decide not to give a shit anymore, you have the power. 

So let it go, feel and relish the sweet airy, zen-like feeling that accompanies it. Sing the song; rejoice! 

The stu cazz never bothered me anyway....

Thou Shall Be Obsessed

I have a theory about how we humans are created. Or rather, I do now after seeing those facebook posts of God mixing certain elements to create people. But I digress. Here's how I think the creation of me went down:

It was the beginning of 1990 or perhaps the end of 1989 when God was creating all of the babies to be born that year. As you can imagine, there were probably thousands or maybe even a million or two set to be born throughout the world in '90. I guarantee you I was dead last. God has all of these babies lined up before him and he goes to each one and drops whatever qualities onto them that he thinks will suit each kid. By the time he gets to me he's tired and all he can think about is getting back to his cloud, putting his feet up and relaxing in the sun. He hurriedly gathers a few things he deems fit for the baby, aka moi. And so it goes: "a little bit of smarts, a smidgen of wisdom--" There he pauses and looks into the future to see all of the people's bullshit I have to deal with and pours a bit more in-- "let's add a little more wisdom, advice-giving and some patience." By now he's even more tired but he's not done yet. "Hmm--maybe some kindness and generosity. Oh yes, a bit of uniqueness and craziness--whoa not that much! Oh well. And---" He thinks of what the last thing should be. Now practically drowsy he acts quickly. "And maybe just a little bit of obsession to round it out." Now I'm convinced that someone, most likely a trickster-type angel, pushed God's elbow because before anyone could stop it-- "Oh darn! That was the entire extra-large bottle of obsession." But you can't reverse it. And so he patted me on the head and let loose with a revelation of prophetic proportions:

"Thou Shall Be Obsessed."

Yeah. Thanks for that, man. 

Barring the whole OCD thing that is attached to me--I'm talking obsessive compulsiveness, but not in the everything needs to be clean way (though I much appreciate organization and also everything has its place so don't touch anything, k thanks bye...), crazy thoughts, compulsions and blah blah, who needs to hear about my mental issues, blah blah blah---I have obsessions that are more....fun? Maybe?  

I have gone through many an obsession with everything imaginable. What I mean is that when I like something enough to be obsessed with it--y'all better get out of the way. I'm serious, move. 

First, before I delve and devulge, let me briefly explain the difference between a mood and an obsession.

Moods: "Oh hey, Backstreet Boys are great, man. I should listen to them and watch their videos and stuff." Then a week or two later, it's gone. It's fleeting.

Obsession: "The Beatles?! Why haven't I liked them like this before? Holy shit, my life has been altered forever and ever and ever amen." Then you proceed to buy everything, read everything, listen/watch everything, do everything related to said thing. Obsessions, when you are psycho bat-shit over things, can last a long time. Trust me. 

Sidenote: After the obsession subsides, you don't forget about it or stop liking it. It's just normal now and you can appreciate it without being a loser about it. Although, I must admit, when the obsession falls away, your liking of things feels different. 

I can remember almost if not everything I was obsessed with since I was a child of about 4 or 5. Each obsession was of varying degrees and some I had my sister and my two cousins along for the ride.

Here it is, to the best of my knowledge. Some are listed more than once because there was a resurgence:

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (Yes. I was a child. But don't think I still don't love them!)

Backstreet Boys

Newsies

Cry-Baby

The Mighty Ducks (D2 specifically)

Titanic + Leonardo DiCaprio (Again, not

obsessed-obsessed but I wanted to watch all of his movies)

Grease

Newsies

Buffy The Vampire Slayer/Angel

Newsies

Toy Soldiers (mildly anyways)

River Phoenix (And his movies. Stand By Me! Love him!)

Supernatural

The Outsiders (My life! I have a 'Stay Gold tattoo)

Backstreet Boys (after they came back)

New Kids on the Block (More of a phase, really)

Four Brothers

The Boondock Saints (Well, kind of. I really loved the movie when I saw it!) 

Bill & Ted (Minimal!)

Newsies (Yes. Again. I know). 

The Dead End Kids (Oh Lord, this was me and my sister. We definitely went nuts for them. Her more. At least, she spent more heehee). 

Bonanza (Again, not crazy for it but loved it a lot, that's for sure). 

The Beatles (My biggest!! But they are and always will be the greatest and my favorite band of all time). 

Buddy Holly/Ritche Valens/Big Bopper (Minimal obsession but my love of them has a lasting impact). 

The Outsiders (TV Show but the movie always follows. This was also me and my sister and our cousins and it lasted a long-ass time). 

Jersey Boys (I really have nothing to say about this. This one was bad. But I loved it! Yes, Vincent Piazza!! It'll be my 2nd fave movie forever now). 

Gangsters (Movie/Real. Coincides with Jersey Boys. Not an obsession but things I wanted to watch more of and read about). 

The Beach Boys (Okay see, this is right now. And it's fairly new. I'm not psycho about it but I'm getting into them more and I'm reading a book and I want to listen to more of their music and learn more about Dennis because he rocked).

Okay I'm tired now and my brain can't process that much right now. I'm sure there are things I forgot about. Most likely I did because there were/are a shit-ton. Whatever, I'm sure by now you get the picture. I have amazing taste, I know. 

I want to point out that yes, this does make me sound a bit insane. But I take comfort in two things. 1) I have seen and/or met people who make the way I'm obsessed with things seem absolutely normal. There are people who are 1000% worse than I could ever be. 2) My sister was like this first so I cannot be blamed! ;) 

Jesus Christ, I am psychotic. Once again, thanks big guy in the sky!