A Walking, Talking Contradiction

So there's that line that I just learned was from Seinfeld that goes "a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma" and it pretty much describes me. Albeit with one little change. Throw contradicting as hell and you've got me. I'm rid-mys-enig-tradicting. Okay so I'm reaching a bit with the made up word but it's true.

I've dubbed myself a walking contradiction. A truer statement does not exist. I even wrote a little poem about it once but no one needs to read that right now. (Although you know, I just re-read it and it's not that bad). Looking back on the past and evaluating how I live my life now, I can see that I am always contradicting in almost every aspect. I'm forever cursed with seeing both sides of every argument.

And it's goddamn annoying!!

I chalk it up (mostly) to being under the Libra zodiac sign. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not 100% hippie, follows everything zodiac and phases of the moon but I find horoscopes interesting. I have the app, I check it every day. I think it'd be cool to do my star chart or whatever the hell it's called. And I know I'm 100% pure Libra. Reading the traits instilled in a Libra is like reading my biography, it's scary.

So, Libras are the scales. We like peace and harmony and balance. (AKA my life). And I think that in keeping that balance, a Libra weighs everything in every situation to keep that perfect harmony. That means weighing both sides of any argument or decision or whatever else has two sides.

Now enters the contradiction. I feel like I have opposing views, feelings, values, even, in pretty much every aspect of life. I can't make a goddamn decision without the other side of the scale pulling at me. And even if I'm mad, the voice pokes through the anger to tell me to calm down and to remind me of the other side of the situation. Like I said, it's annoying. But it does help me be the superb voice of reason which my very best friends can tell you. Although I'm sure they sometimes find my insatiable need for peace and harmony a bit exasperating. But it's something that cannot be helped. I can't stop myself from interjecting my opinion where I see fit.

Other than the whole advice-giving, voice of reason, weighing both sides thing, it boils down to me being forever divided within myself. Some examples to put it into perspective:

-I'm equal parts introverted and extroverted. Ambivert it's called.
-I'm a huge dreamer but also a realist.
-I'm seen as a quiet person but I can be loud and crazy and obnoxious.
-Sometimes I'm very "go-go-go!" while others I'm lazy and don't want to do anything.
-I love being with people and hanging out but I also love alone time.
-I'm fiercely independent yet I sometimes need to rely on people.
-I'm insecure as hell but I can come off as confident at times.
-I give good advice but I'm a hypocrite when it comes to taking it.
-I can easily fall into dark, pessimistic moods but I'm optimistic with others.
-I worry all the time but I calm others down when they do the same.
-I'm honest and good yet I can (and do) lie quite easily.
-I can be messy but I'm OCD-organized to a T.
-I hate needles but I have tattoos.
-I'm paranoid and laid-back.
-I'm afraid of many things but I can be fearless and daredevil-ish.
-I can be tom-boy tough and rough but also girlie and a hopeless romantic.
-I'm not always happy with my appearance but I love and accept myself.
-Angst-ridden yet happy; skeptical but trusting.
-I don't have many lady-like qualities but politeness is key with me.
-Sarcastic and snarky but sweet and kind.
-Regal and mature but at certain times, I'm the class clown.
-Sometimes crippled emotionally and bottled up yet easily read.
-Movie buff and a book nerd.
-So obviously born in the present but I live mostly in the past.

There's nothing left to say but of course, there's so much more.

My mind is like a perpetual battle of ping-pong; thoughts smacked back and forth, relentlessly, like a little white ball, ping ping ping ping. But hey, there's always an upside. I can call myself creative at least. My mind is always running so it's bound to spit out something worthwhile every blue moon. And at least I get to hone my advice-giving skills with my pressing need for balance and (over)use of my voice of reason powers.

Eh whatever. I'm over it. Well, half-over. I mean, I see both sides of accepting it and also not accepting it. I mean---oops. Sometimes you just can't turn it off. Never. You can never turn it off.

Rid-mys-enig-tradicting. Try saying that ten times fast. Hell, trying saying it once because I have no idea how.