Nothing Changes: Why It Sucks When You're Made to Feel You Can't Handle Yourself

Can someone please tell me why in 2017 we’re still going with this bullshit theory that boys can take care of themselves better than girls?

Either nothing really has changed or I hit my head somewhere and somehow got magically transported to 1920. Which would be fun except the whole part about women not being able to do anything, even thinking, without the aid of someone else.

This may not be the sole factor in my argument but I believe it’s the starting point. It’s the crux, the reason, the nucleus of an extremely annoying dilemma.

Picture this: A family consisting of at least one daughter and one son. There can be more of each, it doesn’t matter, as long as there is one boy and one girl involved. Let’s say they’re both over eighteen years old; the age in which you are legally an adult.

Just for fun, the definition of adult: “An adult is a mature, fully developed person. An adult has reached the age when they are legally responsible for their actions.” –Collins Dictionary

Therefore, by definition, an adult is a person who is legally responsible for themselves. So then why is it that an adult son can seemingly do whatever they please while the adult daughter has to pass through a written test and an obstacle course before stepping out of the front door? Could it be because society has forced the notion into our brains that men can take care of themselves? And that women, being small, naïve, and innocent, need someone to be with them at all times? Even if the person with them is, ironically, another woman? Yes, I understand the strength in numbers theory. But if someone is going to kidnap you, they’re not going to stop because your friend is with you. They’re probably going to kidnap you both.

I will admit that women are perceived as the easier targets in most people’s minds therefore making us more vulnerable in the eyes of predators. I don’t pretend to ignore the fact that women have to be more careful because of this. When it comes to sexual assault, women tend to be the victims almost ten times more than men do. I don’t ignore this either.

Women should be cognizant of that fact and take the proper precautions in keeping themselves safe. However, that does not mean never doing anything alone because there is a chance you may be assaulted. There also is a chance you may be in a car crash, a plane crash, struck by lightning, or get hit by a bus. You could also fall down the stairs, choke on a hot dog, or fall out of a tree. Going by this logic alone you could also get bit by a vampire, mauled by a werewolf, or kidnapped by a witch who wants to feed you candy and cook you in an oven. I’d wager you have more of a chance with the vampire.

I am not ignorant. I understand that assault is real and that it happens more often than it should. I could even go as far as saying it’s gotten worse as time goes on. I understand that you shouldn’t put yourself in situations that could potentially cause you harm. There is a reason you don’t walk completely alone at night in seedy areas or go down dark alleys. I will be the first person to tell you that as a woman you have to be more careful and aware. It’s the sad reality of our life.

But in no way am I saying we have to stop living our lives because of it; because of the threat of something that may or may not happen. It’s ridiculous and it’s one of the many things that has always sparked anger in me. Couple that with the implications that you don’t understand what you’re talking about when you attempt defending yourself; it’s a recipe for your (well-placed) anger.

It brings me back to the double standard that’s put upon us as women. Our brothers, male cousins, male friends, etc. seemingly have the freedom to go and do as they please. If you don’t believe that’s true than I will outright laugh in your face. No one bats an eye if a man wants to go somewhere alone whether it be to the store, out on the town, or even on a trip out of the country. There is worry, of course, but it’s the normal amount of worry. They’re sent on their way with a “be careful” and maybe a vague promise to keep in touch. Suggest the same as a woman? Be prepared to answer a million questions, defend your reason for daring to leave the house, and possibly fill out some paperwork.

Suggest it in an Italian household (or any household rooted in old world ideals? Haha. Good luck. I wish you the very best and that you come out of it with your sanity intact. You won’t, by the way.

I believe that as long as you are aware, mindful, and prepared, there is no problem. You have to be smart about what you’re doing and where you’re going, of course. You need to be able to read situations at all times. That’s just good life practice. But the point is you can’t stop living your life or not live it to the fullest. You deserve to go where you want to go and do what you want to do. Again, just don’t be an idiot. As long as you’re smart and aware, you’ll be fine.

Most people don’t see the value in doing things alone. No one wants to be alone, of course. It’s nice to share experiences with other people. Although if you are someone who enjoys being alone over being with others, then all the power to you. It’s refreshing to do some things by yourself. It’s an important life skill to learn how to exist on your own. Because if you can’t learn to be alone with yourself, how can you expect someone else to? Or so “they” say. Also, it’s pretty damn important to be independent in this world. Contrary to the belief of some people in my life, I consider myself to be quite independent. I do what I want to do and I get myself where I need to go. And if I don’t know how to do something or get somewhere, I learn. Shocker.

Sometimes you just need to breathe. I love having alone time every once in a while. I need it. I go to the movies alone sometimes, or out to store, or into the city. Sometimes you need some space, some fresh air, some time to breathe by yourself. Maybe it isn’t for everyone. Although I’d argue it should be. Learning to do things alone makes you a stronger person in the end. Depending on someone else for everything is not healthy. It also implies that if you can’t find someone to do what you want to do, you have to miss out. No thank you is the only non-explicit way I can express my anger without letting loose a stream of curses.

There is so much I want to experience on my own. I want to go on a trip or vacation. I want to live on my own for a while. I kick myself daily for not going away for college and having that experience then. I think it’s important for me to live on my own and have that experience before I get married (whenever that may happen, if ever, but please happen). As I get older, I’m realizing that I don’t particularly like the idea of moving from my parents’ house to a house with my future husband. Quite frankly, I feel like I’ve waited too long to be fully independent and now the desire to be is too strong to push down.

It boils down to my anger at being told I can’t do something or shouldn’t do something independently because it’s not safe or something may happen. I’m stubborn and it brings up a deep-seated anger that I’m all too familiar with. I also do not take too well to people giving me orders or trying to enforce their ways on me. My defensive side flares and I cannot be held accountable for what comes out of my mouth.

I think society needs to smarten up as a whole. Maybe spend time teaching your daughters how to be smart and independent. Arm them with the knowledge and preparation they need to make it in the world. Worry when it’s time to worry and worry the right amount. But don’t hold them back. It doesn’t help when you transfer all of your worry onto them and make them feel scared and unsure. It’s a horrible feeling and it’s destructive behavior. Take my advice, don’t do it. Smart, aware, knowledgeable is better than scared and dependent.

It’s time for the times to start changing. But, will they? Will you? As always, time will tell. But I remain unmoving and independent.