Random Musings #2

I missed a post last week--le gasp!! 

Now that we're over the shock that no one actually felt, welcome to another post of word vomit! (AKA lazy  as fuck to come up with a topic so I'll just write whatever comes out). 

Newsies seems to still be kicking around in my brain. It's a mood in the back of my mind while The Beach Boys take the forefront. Surprisingly but also not, Jersey Boys is still chilling somewhere back there. I only say this because right now I'm listening to Newsies at work before I open the doors and trying not to dance. And I may or may not have delved back into the fan fiction world and found some interesting things to read. But that's enough about that. 

I'm going to Florida tomorrow and my general feelings towards this are: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"

I, um, enjoy vacations. It's just nice to escape life for a while and chill in a place that's somewhere else. Even nicer when this place has warm weather, pools and/or beaches and an overall feeling of relaxation. You can say a nice "BYE!!!!" to all of your worries and stresses and just chill. I've said it before, I've never been so relaxed before as I was when I was floating in the pool in Florida. I'm hoping I can recapture that feeling again. It was so nice and I know that I need that right now. We're driving so there's also an added road trip which I've always wanted to do. Then I can say that I passed through and/or stayed in some random US states. Which is cool. It amps up my traveller's cred. It's gonna be fun and I'm definitely excited. 

And when I get back at the end of September, I'm planning to get my tattoo. Well, in early October but still. I have decided. I have it half-designed already. I just need to add the finishing touches. And it's hard because I can't quite get it how I want it. I wish I could draw then it might be easier. Oh well. I'll get it eventually. I'm nervous and excited about it. I'm sensing a theme with my tattoos. Words/songs of things I really love. Hey, it's going to look awesome so I'm happy!! Tattoos are life, props to all who have them!!

I've been thinking--RUN!!!!--I feel like I've slipped into this not caring state. Which is a Libra trait (or quite possibly a downfall). Being passive and maybe sometimes too passive. Which I am. I find that I just don't care. Meaning that I can't be bothered. I don't take many things as a big deal. Traffic? Whatever, just drive, we'll get there eventually. People don't like something about me? Awesome. Bye!! For a psychotically paranoid person I'm not bothered by much. (And so my contradicting personality rears its ugly head). Not to say that there aren't things I don't care about. I can be crazy-passionate about things. It's just the little things; the everyday bullshit. I just don't give a shit. Admittedly, this could be bad hence why it's the downfall of being a Libra. But I just--I mean--I don't care. 

Apparently I'm good at coming up with barf-worthy romantic lines. I came up with this the other day: "The sun rises and sets on your smile but it is no comparison to the light of your eyes." Did y'all barf? You probably did. I'll wait. Seriously though--so sappy!! And I love romantic movies. I live and die for them. Kind of. Whatever, the point is, I love them. But those lines can be so cringe-worthy!! But also cute, you know? It's nice to hear. If a man ever said something like that I'd probably cringe but also be all "awwwwww!!" Such is life. Also, where's my man? 

Why the hell is it winter? Two days ago it was all sunny and warm and I wore a tank top. Then yesterday and today it was like nope, time for winter!! But tomorrow and the rest of the week will be hot again. Only in Canada will you find bipolar weather. 

It's my birthday soon!! (Not actually, it's like a month away, but this is my thought process). A fucking quarter century old. When did this happen?! I was seventeen last year. I was born last week. It's 1990!! I'm fine. I actually don't give a shit about getting older. Sure, on some level it has a level of suckiness to it but it's not bad. The way I see it, you are still you no matter what. Age doesn't change that. It's a number. Yeah, I admit, you feel it creeping up on you and you can't believe you're getting older but it shouldn't have to be a bad thing. It only matters what you do with life. And if you're happy. But what I originally was saying was that my birthday is soon and I don't know what to do yet to celebrate. Family would just be at home on the actual day. But with friends, I'm not sure. Maybe a semi-fancy restaurant. Or like, a trip to California and/or New York? Haha. Friends? What do you think? Yes....?

Sometimes cigarette smoke smells good. (I know I'm bouncing around from topic to topic but this is word vomit after all). This dude just walked into the walk-in where I work and he smelled of smoke and it wasn't bad. Usually smoke burns your nose and gives you a headache. Sometimes though, it smells good. I don't know why. Especially on a man when it's mixed with cologne. When it's overpowering it's really gross. But mixed with cologne smells really good. And I know, smoking=bad. But it also does look cool sometimes. I can't help it. TV and movies desensitize you!! When you're watching something and you see a sexy guy and then he lights up a cigarette and you're just like "yes!!" It's hot sometimes, okay? Sue me!! But yeah, it is also gross. And yes, bad. And yes, causes cancer and disease. So yes yes, I get it.

"It's a genuine fact that surfers rule." It's stuck in my head!! No shit, it's a Beach Boys song. But I didn't listen to it so why am I singing it?!

I have an hour and a half left at work and I'm just counting down because then it's vacation time. Though I still have a bunch of shit to do. Packing is done. It's a bitch to do but it's done. And everything looks all nice and organized and it makes my OCD happy. Also I'm counting down because I want to go home and even though I like the job, work still sucks.

I had my second Salted Caramel Mocha in two days from Starbucks and it's holy shit good. I love anything salted caramel. That little bit of saltiness is so perfect. Mmm like the salted caramel truffle blizzard from Dairy Queen. So good!! Fuck me, now I wanted a blizzard. Ahh!! Oh and I also don't care about being fat right now because I'm going on vacation so what's the point? Not that I'm going to go nuts but if I want something like Starbucks, I'm going to get it. I'll leave the dieting shit for when I get back. Because I will be in a bikini next summer, I swear. 

I love being Italian. That is all. I was randomly thinking that this morning too. I mean think about it--we are so cool. We swear better than anyone. We have pasta and pizza and wine. Italy itself is beautiful. The language is beautiful. And when you watch a movie with an Italian character it's always hilarious and awesome. We're loud and talk with our hands. And oh my God, we have the best desserts. Hello cannolis, motherfucker!! We basically kick ass. 

"It's a genuine fact that surfers rule."

It won't go away!! So now I'm listening to it. *giggles* Dennis!! 

I don't know what else. I basically just wrote a bunch of random stuff. But that's the best. When you just write and write, it feels so good. It's therapeutic. You're just writing it all out, whatever it is. It's like a cleanse for your creative mind. I can't describe the feeling but it's just awesome. Even though I haven't had much time to work on my screenplays, this is good. It's good to keep my writing going and my creative mind sharp. And I really hope I can work on both of my screenplays in Florida. Finally get a good amount done. Honestly, I need to go to a remote cabin the woods for two weeks so I can just write. 

And funny sidenote: At the end of the song"Surfer's Rule", is the line: "Four seasons you better believe it." Just makes me laugh. Probably only me.

The song is still stuck in my head but at least it's more than one line now. 

Well I guess that ends this week's word vomit. Hope you enjoyed it. I'm sure I'll write a blog while in Florida.

Catch y'all on the flipside. I'm on vacation, bitches!! 

Addie

Random Musings

I was a bit lazy and didn't know what to write about this week so I figured I'd let y'all know my thoughts in the easiest way possible: word vomit. 

I figure I just blurt out whatever comes to mind and there you have it; instant blog post-ness. (Seriously, it's like that free writing exercise where I just write about whatever comes to mind and jump from topic to topic. Though this will obviously have some semblance of structure because hello OCD). 

The way I speak is because of Buffy, I swear. It is actually called Buffyspeak. And it's not only me. So hey. 

Honestly, with all the shit that I grew up with, it's a wonder I don't have a million different accents and ways of speaking. I stand by my theory that you are influenced by what you watch, read and listen to. Even more so when you're a kid. The Buffy thing is the one that stuck with me the most. Though if I start busting out into Newsies-speak, you should probably move away. And there's also the British accent. And if I start being extra Italian just do what my sister does and tell me I'm not a gangster. Because I'm actually not. But I do love them. Obviously not the things they did but they were kind of admirable in an anti-hero, antagonist kind of way. I need to stop watching/reading mob things. 

You know, I said to my sister that after I was done with the mob stuff, I'd have to get into something lighter. My words were: "I have to read happy things like 'Puppy Gets A New Ball.'" And I think I sort of did. The Beach Boys were sort of sprung on me. And they're happy. Umm, happy-ish. Well, the songs were. Some of them. 

Let's talk about The Beach Boys for a quick second. Okay so fine, I admit it, I'm all up with Beach Boys now. Which will always be weird to me. I mean, I've always known them and known their most popular surfing and car songs. I know that there was Brian and Mike. That they were all mostly related. That the drummer Dennis died because he drowned. I knew that they were on Full House. Surfin' USA was/is on my exercise/dance playlist. Which we will not speak about. And then it happened, like it always does. And I totally called it. 

So, the movie Love & Mercy came out in the summer. I saw the trailer on TV and I said it looked good and that we needed to see it. So we did (my sister and I). Before going to see it, I said to myself: "You're going to be all Beach Boys because of this." To which I answered back: "No, you're crazy, this is not like Jersey Boys." The movie was great and I learned a lot of things I didn't know about The Beach Boys and especially Brian. It did make me want to listen to some of their music, which we did, but there was no craziness there. Right? Wrong. After that, my sister was all like "Oh, there's this movie that they made in the '90s about them, I wonder if I can find it." She found it and we watched it and that's when it happened. You see their story and it piques your interest. Long story short: It led to buying and reading two books, the downloading and listening to their entire discography (that's like 27 albums and 375 songs), buying of their vinyl albums (still need more), buying tickets to their upcoming show, watching documentaries, watching another movie about them and developing a love of Dennis Wilson (because why wouldn't I go for the bad boy who's also the dead one?!) Sidenote: Two of the original Beach Boys are dead now (sadness). And also--Dennis Wilson's solo stuff is beyond amazing. Also again, buy me Beach Boys things. Just kidding. Half. 

Believe it or not, I'm actually not crazy obsessed. I know that it sounds like it what with the buying and listening and whatnot. But that's just how I roll. My sister too. When you like something, you do it right. But seriously, there's no psycho obsession. And it feels nice. Just to be totally chill when liking something. It's also because I find it weird that it's me liking The Beach Boys on a deeper level. But there's no going back. Now I know all this shit about them and their songs and stuff. And as much as their music was happy, there was so much drama between them plus the alcoholism and drug use and questionable subject matter of songs. Like the song with real sex noises in the background. Not even kidding. Dennis and some chick recorded it and it's on a song. It both creeps me out and makes me laugh. Because who does that? It's hilarious. It so may or may not have amped up the desire I already had to see California. Anyways--I guess I can add The Beach Boys to my list now. Love it! 

And Newsies. Love it too. I've been listening to the movie soundtrack on and off for a bit. I honestly love it. It's a part of me. I mean, it's been in my life since I was two. And I saw the Broadway play twice this summer which was absolutely amazing. I think it's last day is either today or tomorrow and it makes me sad. It was so perfect seeing it on stage. I'm totally getting the tattoo I want. It's a quote from a Newsies song. No, it's not Seize The Day. I was toying with the idea but now I've decided. I'm going to do it!! 

I did my hair. I cut it a bit (eeeeeee). I have the mentality of a greaser when it comes to my hair. Don't touch my hair. I love my long hair. If you try to, I will cut you. It's not too too short. A few inches shorter. It was necessary to make it healthier. And I did highlights which makes it look lighter. I felt the need to have lighter hair for once.

Holy shit, I just realized how much I fucking swear. (I'm lamely laughing at my attempt at humor). Seriously though, you don't realize how much you swear until you're in a church. Last night was my parent's retirement party and it was in the church basement. Now, I'm not a total heathen. I try not to swear in the church. But damn is it even hard! My cousin Veronica and I even came up with alternative swear words to use while in church. It's so fucking hard, man. So fucking hard. Fuck. (This just popped into my head but--guys who swear? So hot. So fucking hot! Ask my sister, when we watch something I'm always like "Oh my God, _____ just said fuck, ahh so hot!!" That was random but then again that is the point).

I'm dying for these two weeks to pass quickly because then I get to go to Florida!! I have never been as relaxed as I was when I was floating in the pool in Florida. I can't wait to feel that feeling again. It's like a two-week break from the stress of everything in life. I get to lie on a chair by the pool and listen to music and chill and worry about nothing. I'm even looking to get some writing done. That's not really work-work. It's fun work. And then we get to go to Disney and the other parks and basically just have fun. I cannot wait!! 

Oh and Paul McCartney is coming in October and I didn't buy tickets because I've had to spend so much money and now I'm really sad because it's Paul. Even though I saw him once. As a Beatles Freak, I have to see any members of the Beatles every time they come. It's law. Sigh. I might be sad the day before and go crazy and try to buy scalpers tickets. Probably not. But I'll cry. Also probably not. 

Ahhh birthday and Halloween in October. I need to figure out what I'm doing and what I'm dressing up as, respectively. I'm feeling '60s/'70s. My sister told me to get a surfboard and pretend to be a Beach Boy. I just gave her a look in response. 

I want a frappucino but I'm fat so no. I also want work to be over so I can do what I need to do at home and relax. (Yes I usually write my blog on my iPod while at work. I usually do a lot of things while I'm at work). I'm also fucking hungry and I feel like I want some wine at lunch today. I also need more sleep. Please vacation get here already!! 

Ooh and I made cannoli for my parent's party yesterday and I'm proud of myself. I totally kicked ass, if I do say so myself. It's a pretty complicated Italian dessert and a bitch to make but I did it. And they taste exactly like they're supposed to and I'm so happy they came out. I can totally bake Italian now. Hire me out, people, let's go!!

I'm looking forward to Labor Day when I will have my annual end of summer movie marathon. It used to be my back to school movie marathon. I started it before I went into grade nine and I've done it every year since. I wake up super early and watch movies all day until eleven at night with short breaks in between. The last movie of the marathon is usually the one that reflects the summer or my interests right then. This year it's going to be one of the Beach Boys movies. Yeah yeah I know, leave me alone. Either way, I'm looking forward to it. It's fun. 

That was going to be it but I have a little sidenote. As always. I fucking just dropped my phone in the toilet. No, not because it was in my pocket.

It was no where near the toilet. It was on the counter. I was opening a package and my hand jerked and it hit my phone and it flew. It's currently in rice and I'm hoping it will live. Because it has thousands of pictures and notes and I'll flip the fuck out. Please live, baby iPhone, please. Okay I'm fine.

Anyways, that's it. I hope you enjoyed my word vomit. Even if you didn't, I don't care, you read it either way.

Later!!

L-O-V-E--what?

DISCLAIMER: This may get a tad bit mushy or dreamy or something that is akin to girlie. I hate being like that. Even though I know there's nothing wrong with it. I still hate it. Just be warned. And don't judge me. Or do judge me and fuck you. 

Boy meets girl. Or girl meets boy. One falls for the other and all sorts of lovey-dovey shenanigans ensue. Sometimes they stay together forever and get married and have babies and grow old together and die holding each other in bed a la The Notebook. (Oh and spoiler alert if you haven't seen it but I mean, who hasn't seen it? If you haven't, well then get the fuck outta here!!) Also there are times they don't stay together and it's all messed up but that's less fun to think about so let's not.

Some people (a lot of people) have that already. Goody, great for you! Others, *cough* like me *cough*, are sitting here looking at their watches like: "So, when is this dude showing up....?"

I once saw this meme thing on Facebook that said something along the lines of "Stop waiting for Prince Charming and go out and look for him. The poor bastard might be stuck in a tree somewhere." With my luck, mine is probably lost in the woods or in a dark cave somewhere. Oh who am I kidding? My prince charming/soulmate/dude/man is probably dead now because he was most likely my age in 1965. But I'm holding out hope that maybe there is someone still out there who's alive and in my age range. 

We all think about it. Even the people who swear that they don't care or don't want anything to do with it. Even the people who are scared of commitment or the ones who'd rather be friends with benefits. It's in your mind; whether it's in the front or the back doesn't make any difference.

It's been on my mind a lot lately. I always (pretend) whine about not having anyone and that I want someone and blah blah blah. More so I think because a lot of my friends are in relationships or trying to start them. I'm not too disheartened though because I haven't exactly been doing anything to find anyone. Obviously there is no one on his way to find me, tree notwithstanding. It's something that I have to work at and achieve by putting myself out there. (Eeeee!!) Which I plan to do. I always said that I'd try online dating if I wasn't with someone by my 25th birthday. Well, time is funny in the way that it creeps up on you. I'm turning 25 in less than two months. And since I think of myself as a woman of my word, I'll be going online this October. 

I said I'm going online and I will but part of me is upset at the fact that I am. Not because going online isn't a good way to meet someone because it is. I know people who have met their significant others online and they got married and it's all fine. I just wish I could meet someone naturally. Totally unexpected because it just happens whenever. And maybe it will. I just really hope it does. It's hard to let go of the notion of that happening. No matter which way, I'll be happy when it happens. I'm also one hundred percent on board with it happening once and that's it. I don't care to go through the whole ups and downs of dating life. I'd rather find the one person I'm meant to be with and leave it at that. 

I'm not saying that being in a relationship is the end all be all and that it's what makes life complete. While majorly important, it's not something you should measure the worth of your life by. And no, I'm also not saying that having a man is what completes you and that if you don't, you're a lesser person. NOT NOT NOT 1000x NOT saying that. People generally want another person to go through life with. You can have family and friends and whoever else and that's all well and good but the relationship between you and your significant other will always be different. And I think everyone deserves have a shot at it. 

That's all I'm asking for, really. I admit that I want to have someone to go through life with. I want to have another person who is the other half of me and who I love with all my heart. The world is a shitty place sometimes and it'd be nice to have someone by your side as you navigate it. That was the mushy part, see, and it grossed me out a bit. 

I'm not going to lie. I'm almost 25 and I haven't really been in a relationship and I'm feeling it. I'm feeling time catching up to me and the tiny bit of pressure to find someone so I can get married, at least by thirty. I get that your life doesn't have to follow a specific pattern and that everything will happen when it's meant to happen. But that doesn't mean I can't do something to jump-start the process. And who knows? Maybe that is what I'm meant to do. Ha, take that, psychology! 

And maybe, even though I'm reluctantly admitting it, I hear the faintest ticking of my biological clock somewhere in the distance. Though I think there's a lot of time left before the ticking gets any closer. 

I'm not an idiot. I know that life isn't like the movies and that a romance isn't just going to randomly happen. And it's not going to be like they show you with the romantic music and cheesy lines. Because who wants those lines? Contrary to popular belief, most of those lines would probably make me barf or at least squirm uncomfortably. I mean, in movies I'm all like "awwww" and whatever because it's cute and romantic and all that. In real life, I'd like "Oh my God, stop!" I want romance as much as the next person but sometimes it can be a bit barf-worthy. Or throw-upingly cute as I like to say. 

I know that it's something I want. I don't want to end up alone. I'm sorry but I don't. And I'm certainly not going to apologize for it. I want to get married and have children and live my life that way. I'm not going to sit on my ass and wait for it to happen and I'm not going to let it pass me by. I know that I want it and like most everything I want, I will get! 

Everyone has the vision of that perfect person they want. Nine times out of ten, it's grossly exaggerated and probably unattainable in that the person doesn't actually exist. I want a cool greaser-type dude with Elvis hair, good taste in music so that we can share our love of old music. (I have this whole date/fantasy thing of listening to vinyl records and drinking wine....) If they can sing and/or play an instrument, that's just hot. Tattoos are hot. Bad boy goes without saying because duh. But a bad boy with a heart of gold because also duh. If he's Italian then he has to be a sexy cool Italian and not a Woodbridge/Jersey Shore Italian because that's fucking ew. And there's much more. In reality I'll settle for a nice guy who has good music taste. And good hair. Please? 

Like everything I want in life, I need to go out there and get it. So I will put myself out there. And hopefully it'll happen.

Because in the end, all you need is love. Love is all you need. The Beatles for the win!! 

I Don't Give A ______

Fill in the blank with whatever you like. Damn, crap, shit, rat's ass, fuck, fuckity crap or if you're totally square, I don't give a care. Or square and quite British, I don't give a bother. Okay I'm done. And that probably doesn't even make sense. Moving on.

It's a good phrase to keep in the back of your mind. And maybe a good principle to apply to life. That's not to say that you have to bulldoze through life like a psychotic bull in a china shop, swearing at the passersby and screaming "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!"

But I mean, if that's who you are then all right. You do you. Just do it over there, away from normal people. 

I don't see this as being confrontational. In fact, if you know anything about me, you know that I turn and run away from confrontation of any kind. Unless it's warranted or the only way. I prefer a good old-fashioned talking it out. If that doesn't work and it comes right down to it then you better gear up because it's ass-kicking time! 

I don't give a damn/crap/shit etc is a state of mind. I'm a firm believer in if you think it, whatever it is, and believe it then it will show in you. Say for example that you want to be more confident. Then be confident. I always say to myself, fake it 'til you make it. It's true albeit a little unorthodox. So if you say in your mind, I'm confident, I got this, I can do this, and you act that way, sooner or later you will be that way. 

That principle lends itself to my "I don't give a _____" theory. Too many times I've witnessed people who are too worried about what everyone else thinks and what everyone else wants to live their own life. That is no way to live. I hate when people feel that they have to make decisions around other people. People are so scared of how they're going to look to others and that maybe other people will be mad at them for doing something. Nine times out of ten they won't be like that. If they care about you. But guess what? There's that one time that someone will feel that way and look down on you. So what?! If that's the worst that can happen, take it and move on. That person will eventually come around. And if they don't, then it shows you who really cares. 

That being said, don't be an idiot. Don't be a stubborn, hard-headed fool. It is okay to maintain the not caring what people think mindset and also take advice when needed. Like everything, it's all about a healthy balance. Listen to the advice and opinions given to you. Take them into consideration. As long as in the end you do what's right for you and what makes you happy. Sometimes the decision you make matches the advice given and it's all great and the hills are alive with the sound of music and we all live happily ever after. Sometimes it doesn't. And that's okay too.

Say it in your mind over and over. Make yourself be that strong confident person. Don't let people tell you what to think, what to do or like or who to be. You were not put on this earth to please people or to live your life according to someone else's rules. Find out what you want for yourself, what you want to do to make you happy and go do it. Despite my trips to Imagination Land where I have crazy theories of my past lives, I truly think you only get one shot. (I am NOT saying YOLO because fuck that). One life, one shot. Don't waste it, don't screw it up. Make it worth something.

My fear is that I'm going to wake up one day and look back on my life and say "Oh shit, what did I do? Why didn't I do what I wanted?" I don't want to regret my life. I'm so afraid of that. I'm determined not to let that happen. I do understand that your dreams have to be rooted in reality and that you can't expect everything to be handed to you. You have to make what you want happen for you. And you're not going to do that if you're too busy pleasing the world. Live your life in a way that makes you happy, keep that confident, I don't give a crap attitude in your mind. Don't apologize for being who you are. Just be. 

For once I'm actually taking my own advice. Imagine that! 

It's not an easy feat. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Oh well maybe I should be more like this" or "Maybe if I do this, I'll get this." But then I quickly find that voice in my head yelling at me and saying that I'm me and that I couldn't be any other way if I tried. Instead of trying to be this way and trying to please this person and whatever else, take a step back. Fill yourself with that confident attitude. Let yourself shine through. Just be you. 

Take my advice. Or don't. I really and truly don't give a---

---damn.

You thought I was going to say fuck, huh? ;) 

The Fantasy

Picture this:

You wake up and sit up in your bed and look around your studio apartment. It has that vintage-y feel but there are a few modern art pieces and furniture in the mix and it's a nice balance. The scent of freshly brewed coffee fills your nose and your eyes open a little wider. A growl erupts from your stomach and reminds you that you're hungry. After breakfast you stand in front of your giant window, steaming coffee cup in hand, and enjoy the view before you. Ahh, the beautiful, busy, gleaming city of New York. 

Okay, now picture this:

The sun streaming through your open window wakes you up some time in the mid-morning. A light breeze causes your white linen curtains to flutter. You rise from your bed and catch a whiff of the warm, salty air. It's going to be a good day, you know it already. Who needs to get changed? You're good in your shorts and tank top. A few minutes later you take your cup of coffee onto the deck where you lean against the railing and take in the view. The warm sun is on your face, the breeze gently ruffles your hair; everything is peaceful. You're spending the day on the beach, no doubt about it. It is California after all. 

(Oh and there's obviously a man in each fantasy because, umm, duh). 

And finally, this:

Oh, reality. Yeah I live in Canada. You know, the place that I once heard described in a movie as "a wasteland of frozen tundra." Which is wildly untrue, of course, unless it's winter.

Then I'd be inclined to agree because our winters are filled with mountainous piles of snow and movie-worthy ice storms. Don't flip out, I love Canada and I am proud to be Canadian. But the fantasy holds strong in my mind and in my heart. (That sounds borderline barfy, I know). 

And, true to my nature, my fantasies  contradict each other, are completely different life-style wise and both appeal to me equally. Such is my life. 

I'm happy with my life. I am. I love my family and my friends. I love my home and I wish it could be my home forever. But there's always that little nagging part of me that says I belong somewhere else. Not indefinitely but at least for a little bit. I have this thing where I wish I could just get up and go and live somewhere else for a while. Have crazy life experiences somewhere else in the world. Sometimes I'm overtaken by the feeling of wanting to go somewhere else. It's an intense yearning and it makes you feel like you're gonna burst but then it eventually goes away. 

I wish I could find a job that would take me there. I know I'd feel homesick and that I'd miss everyone so much but I really want to do it one day. And I know saying "one day" means it could never happen and that you have to make it happen. I really hope to. One day. Ha. 

I did go to New York this year and it was perfect. It was my second time going but I got more out of it this time. And it definitely quelled the yearning for a bit. I didn't spend nearly enough time there but it gave me my fill; for now. California is my next target. I want to see San Francisco, L.A. and Hollywood and the Viper Room where River Phoenix died. (Extreme sadness). And also the cemeteries where the famous people are buried. (It's not creepy, you pay your respects as a 'thanks for everything', you know?) Obviously I want to see the beaches and all that. It's something you always see in movies or hear about. I'd love to experience it. And plus side? I could totally get a movie studio job, hello!! 

This is also where my past life theory factors in. All right, calm down everyone opposed to reincarnation. I'm not saying I believe in it fully, it's just fun to entertain the idea. And I mean, it would explain a lot. So chill out and go with me on this. There has to be a reason why I have such a connection to these places. I figure that I was born in the late 1800s so that I was a newsie (Ha I know). I died of something rotten. Then I was a flapper lady in the '20s. And I got shot. Gangsters, you know? (Both of those I lived in NYC). Then I was born in 1945 and lived through all the good music of the '50s and '60s. Then I died somehow in the '70s. (Here was California). And then God or the Universe or whoever was like "Okay no more. You need to chill out for twenty years." Then in 1990 I was born in Canada and there you go. Too much? Probably. But so fun to imagine haha. 

Or maybe I was brainwashed by music and movies. No, seriously. Music, movies, books; they're all about transporting you to another place and living vicariously through the characters or the story or whatever. They make you yearn for things that you'e never experienced or places you've never been. I actually read something along those lines while reading about a certain musical group. The author said that their music was special in that it made other people who didn't live in their part of the country feel like they did. They lived vicariously. Same with movies. You see it and you want it. And I do. It's more plausible than the reincarnation theory is it not? 

It's on my bucket list to live in both New York and California for at least six months. I hope that one day I'll be able to do that. If not, I'd settle for month's vacation in each. I just wanna go....

I know that anything is possible if you believe it and that you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. Bottom line, I have to make this happen. And I really will. And not one day either. I just will. 

I Can Hear Music

Y'all knew this one was coming. 

Where do I even begin? Everyone who knows me knows that I love the music of the past. I often say that I live in the past and that the music from back then was better.

Well, it was. 

Let's do a few comparisons: 

"If every word I said, could make you laugh I'd talk forever" vs. "Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil." 

"You can check out any time you like but you can never leave" vs. "I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed (hey), open doors for me and you might get some kisses." 

"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be" vs. "That's so ratchet, this girl is such a fake model." 

"Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know, your stairway lies on the whispering wind?" vs. "Do you need me? Do you think I'm pretty? Do I make you feel like cheating?"

It hurt me physically to put those together. I think I may barf. 

All right, I admit, I purposely looked for the most amazing old lyrics and compared them to shitty modern songs. And I'm obviously bias. But this isn't journalism, it's a blog. It was to illustrate my point. Sorry for offending whoever may be offended And okay, not all songs back then were like that. There were songs about surfing and cars and love and going on dates but it was the simplicity that was beautiful. 

Music to me is extremely special. To me, it's not something that you just listen to. It's oxygen, it's lifeblood. It's something you can't survive without. If you took away my ability to listen to music, I'd die. And I know I'm not making this up, there's a shit-ton of studies on it. Music is supposed to make you feel. It's supposed to touch your soul. To me, there's nothing better than listening to something and getting chills all over because it's that good. When you listen to something and you feel like you're feeding off it, like it's giving you something--man, there's nothing better. 

Also, I like the respect that comes with liking old music. As selfish or obnoxious as that sounds, it's true. I was at a gas station with my sister once. I, being heavy into my Jersey Boys obsession, was blasting "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" while my sister was filling up. This older man, probably in his late '50s or early '60s heard it and told me to roll the window down and turn it up. When the song was over, he was all happy and said that he loved that song. He offered to pay for our gas or buy us an ice cream just because we made his day by playing that song. He also gave me his card and asked if I could e-mail him some old music, which I did. Right then I realized how amazing it felt to like the music that I do. So many people from the older generation look down on my generation and it's nice to surprise them and gain that look of respect. I feel like I've always gotten along well with older people anyways. I can talk music with them, which is cool. (I totally need a man my age who I can do the same with so umm, future husband, where are you?) 

I don't know why I like the old music so much. I grew up with 1050 CHUM or Oldies 1150 always playing on the radio. My sister has always been into the oldies music since she was a kid. It's always been in my life. But it took me a while to fully immerse myself in it. I grew up with boy bands and musical soundtracks (Newsies heeeey!!!!) but also Metallica, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Guns N' Roses, Queen, etc, because of my brother. In high school I was all into rock and I liked a whackload of modern day rock bands. Then around grade 12, the oldies really started to filter in. Then came the great Beatles apocalypse and that was that. Oldies became my life. And after that I felt like I found what I really loved. My soul connected with the music and that was it. I love all different types of music from many different eras but my heart lies with the oldies. 

The funny thing? All old music was modern music at one point. And not everyone loved it. I'm sure in '20s when jazz hit the scene, there were people complaining that classical was better. And when rock n roll hit in the '50s, some people stuck with jazz. And so on and so forth. I guess I like that early rock n roll was so different and impactful and how it changed the history of music. Even though the lyrics and chords may have been simple, I like that. It has something today's music lacks. I love how the mid-sixties and seventies were all about pushing the envelope and developing a real sound. But there was still a mystery about it all. Not today where everything hangs out. I'd rather hear about the mystical stairway to Heaven instead of how this guy wants to see this girl's tits or something. Back then, The Beatles sang a song about blowjobs and there's a Beach Boys song with sex noises in the background. (I know, right?!) They flirted with the taboo subjects but didn't outright say it. That's wicked. And also hilarious. 

Now, don't get me wrong here. I grew up in the '90s and was a teenager in the early '00s. I liked and still like plenty of modern music. I love '80s, '90s and '00s as well. I have a lot of songs on my iPod that can attest to that. I like Bruno Mars and Katy Perry and some Taylor Swift and Maroon 5 and whatever else. I like some music that will truly surprise you. 

And don't think I'm telling you what you have to like. My God, you can like whatever the hell you want. My opinion is not yours and yours is not mine. Whatever music makes you feel good, listen to it. Music, like art, is subjective. As long as it makes you feel something, then that's all that matters. If Pitbull does it for you, great. Miley Cyrus? Awesome. Taylor Swift? Amazing. That's all you. I have no right to tell you what to like. I'm only telling you what I like. 

And okay, not every piece of music has to be a spiritual experience. Sometimes you want to let loose and have fun and listen to extremely obnoxious pop music. Don't think I don't. I'm talking about music as a whole when I geek out over its spiritualism.  

Of course, I'm never going to change my opinion. I will always maintain that old music is better. And that's totally fine. Because it's what I think and what I chose to listen to. Everyone is different. I'm not better than anyone, there's no right or wrong here. It's a to each their own situation. Respect everyone's opinion.

Yeah, I rag on people and make fun of my friends for liking modern music but I'm only kidding. The only time I'll ever get mad is if you tell me that I shouldn't be listening to old music. Then I will tell you where, when and how many ways you can fuck off. It's happened before. And it majorly pisses me off. Once you start getting judge-y and tell me what I should be listening to because of when I was born, I will flip on you. In the end, everyone listens to whatever the hell they want to. 

But, I mean, you all know that modern music sucks, right? ;) 

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the songs mentioned, rights belong to the respective artists. Also, thank you to Melissa and Maddalena for helping me out!! 

A Walking, Talking Contradiction

So there's that line that I just learned was from Seinfeld that goes "a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma" and it pretty much describes me. Albeit with one little change. Throw contradicting as hell and you've got me. I'm rid-mys-enig-tradicting. Okay so I'm reaching a bit with the made up word but it's true.

I've dubbed myself a walking contradiction. A truer statement does not exist. I even wrote a little poem about it once but no one needs to read that right now. (Although you know, I just re-read it and it's not that bad). Looking back on the past and evaluating how I live my life now, I can see that I am always contradicting in almost every aspect. I'm forever cursed with seeing both sides of every argument.

And it's goddamn annoying!!

I chalk it up (mostly) to being under the Libra zodiac sign. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not 100% hippie, follows everything zodiac and phases of the moon but I find horoscopes interesting. I have the app, I check it every day. I think it'd be cool to do my star chart or whatever the hell it's called. And I know I'm 100% pure Libra. Reading the traits instilled in a Libra is like reading my biography, it's scary.

So, Libras are the scales. We like peace and harmony and balance. (AKA my life). And I think that in keeping that balance, a Libra weighs everything in every situation to keep that perfect harmony. That means weighing both sides of any argument or decision or whatever else has two sides.

Now enters the contradiction. I feel like I have opposing views, feelings, values, even, in pretty much every aspect of life. I can't make a goddamn decision without the other side of the scale pulling at me. And even if I'm mad, the voice pokes through the anger to tell me to calm down and to remind me of the other side of the situation. Like I said, it's annoying. But it does help me be the superb voice of reason which my very best friends can tell you. Although I'm sure they sometimes find my insatiable need for peace and harmony a bit exasperating. But it's something that cannot be helped. I can't stop myself from interjecting my opinion where I see fit.

Other than the whole advice-giving, voice of reason, weighing both sides thing, it boils down to me being forever divided within myself. Some examples to put it into perspective:

-I'm equal parts introverted and extroverted. Ambivert it's called.
-I'm a huge dreamer but also a realist.
-I'm seen as a quiet person but I can be loud and crazy and obnoxious.
-Sometimes I'm very "go-go-go!" while others I'm lazy and don't want to do anything.
-I love being with people and hanging out but I also love alone time.
-I'm fiercely independent yet I sometimes need to rely on people.
-I'm insecure as hell but I can come off as confident at times.
-I give good advice but I'm a hypocrite when it comes to taking it.
-I can easily fall into dark, pessimistic moods but I'm optimistic with others.
-I worry all the time but I calm others down when they do the same.
-I'm honest and good yet I can (and do) lie quite easily.
-I can be messy but I'm OCD-organized to a T.
-I hate needles but I have tattoos.
-I'm paranoid and laid-back.
-I'm afraid of many things but I can be fearless and daredevil-ish.
-I can be tom-boy tough and rough but also girlie and a hopeless romantic.
-I'm not always happy with my appearance but I love and accept myself.
-Angst-ridden yet happy; skeptical but trusting.
-I don't have many lady-like qualities but politeness is key with me.
-Sarcastic and snarky but sweet and kind.
-Regal and mature but at certain times, I'm the class clown.
-Sometimes crippled emotionally and bottled up yet easily read.
-Movie buff and a book nerd.
-So obviously born in the present but I live mostly in the past.

There's nothing left to say but of course, there's so much more.

My mind is like a perpetual battle of ping-pong; thoughts smacked back and forth, relentlessly, like a little white ball, ping ping ping ping. But hey, there's always an upside. I can call myself creative at least. My mind is always running so it's bound to spit out something worthwhile every blue moon. And at least I get to hone my advice-giving skills with my pressing need for balance and (over)use of my voice of reason powers.

Eh whatever. I'm over it. Well, half-over. I mean, I see both sides of accepting it and also not accepting it. I mean---oops. Sometimes you just can't turn it off. Never. You can never turn it off.

Rid-mys-enig-tradicting. Try saying that ten times fast. Hell, trying saying it once because I have no idea how.