I Believe in Body Positivity But I Get to Decide What That Means to Me

I want to start off with saying that I whole-heartedly respect the people who are body positive and happy with themselves. Everyone should be. After all, they say that you can’t be happy with anyone else until you are happy with yourself. I’ve seen a multitude of articles written by people who are bigger and have learned to love themselves for who they are and what they look like. Again, I respect this. It fills me with happiness when I read those articles. Everyone has the right to be happy in their own body and they should be taught to be from a young age.

But when it comes to myself, I feel different. I’m on the bigger side and I’m not happy about it. I never have been. Yes, it’s my fault. I can’t exactly say why I started eating a lot as a teenager. Maybe it was stress eating or boredom or because I’m Italian and love food or quite possibly because it’s an addiction. I let it get out of control and now I’m here. And I’m not happy about it. I want to be thinner and I don’t think it’s a crime. 

Unfortunately, the media constantly tries to shove the societal concept of beauty down our throats at every turn. The magazine covers and TV shows and movies with beautiful, thin actresses are enough to make you crazy. It’s enough to damage and brainwash young minds into thinking they have to look like that. I’m against that, it’s not right and I hate that there are all of these young girls who learn from an early age to be dissatisfied with themselves. Beauty cannot be manufactured. It comes in all shapes, sizes, colours, etc. 

But I’m talking about myself. 

I believe in body positivity and in being happy with yourself. And that is what I’m trying to achieve. I’m not trying to lose weight because I think I have to or because society says I have to look a certain way. And no, not because I think it’s what men want. Because fuck that. Although I will say that the thought rears its ugly head when I’m feeling particularly insecure. We’ve been taught to believe that that’s all men want. Most of them do which makes matters more complicated. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. I’ve often said that I wouldn’t want to be naked in front of anyone looking the way I do now. It’s blunt, yes, but it’s the truth. 

That’s not to say I’m not happy with myself as a person. I have confidence and I’m strong in my beliefs. I’m proud of the way I am and how I handle myself. And I have awesome taste in music, obviously. 

I’m unhappy with my physical self.

I’d like to lose a good amount of weight. I’d like to be thinner and have some muscles. I have an image in my mind of what I want to look like and I think I deserve to try and get there. I’d say that I want to look good in a bikini. Not that there’s anything stopping me from wearing a bikini. A lot of women who are bigger wear bikinis and they totally rock them. I have nothing but total respect and admiration for them. I still wouldn’t be comfortable in one. 

I’m not implying that losing weight will magically make everything better. That’s not what this is about. I’d like to feel good in my body. I’d like to get to the point where I can be body positive. I want to reduce my back and foot pain. No matter what, I’ll still find flaws within myself and I’ll have to learn to accept them. 

Being body positive is a different thing for each individual person. I salute all of the women (and men) who are completely happy with themselves. Kudos to all of you for kicking ass. I have confidence that I will get there one day because it’s what I want. The end result is to be happy. Do whatever you need to do to get there for yourself. 

And remember, you rock.

Stand By Me: It's Infinite Wisdom and What it Taught Me About Friendship

Stand By Me is an adventure-filled coming of age movie that is arguably one of the best things to come out of the eighties. What’s better than four boys with huge potty mouths who leave home in search of a dead body? Not to mention that it stars River Phoenix who had the kind of face people wrote songs about. And of course, it was written by Stephen King. Is there anything better? No, there is not and don’t you dare bring Star Wars or something else into this.

Besides the adventure and the countless coming of age lessons, Stand By Me has one perfect golden nugget of information that is destined to almost always come true. At the end of the movie, adult Gordie, now a big time writer, sits at his computer writing the story you just watched. He ends with the most poignant and prophetical statement ever:

“I never had any friends later on like the ones I did when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?”

Funnily enough, I refused to agree with it. I thought I was going to be one of those lucky few who stayed friends with the same people all her life and the birds would sing and everyone would live happily ever after. Since this isn’t Cinderella and since no friendship in the world is like what you see on television, that didn’t happen.

The person I called my best friend since I was twelve (ironically) isn’t my best friend anymore. This came straight from the horse’s mouth so to speak. It’s no secret that she and I have drifted apart over the years. I think I refused to believe it at first or maybe I was too comfortable in my current situation to do anything about it. She would always say how she felt we were drifting apart to which I would reply: “Of course we’re not! This is how friendships are when you get older.” Then recently the inevitable happened and she informed me that yes, she still saw as friends but just not “best friends” anymore. In short, she found other friends that suited her better than my other good friends and I did. And that’s totally fine! No one says that drifting apart is a bad thing. Sometimes it happens.

The point is this: when you’re twelve years old you see the world differently. It’s not so much of a stretch to say that the friends you make at that age see the world the same way. And so you have a lot in common. You laugh together, do dumb things together and build a lot of memories along the way. But then one day, it all changes and you realize that you both see the world and approach life differently. And again, that is totally okay. Its better that you move on from each other instead of holding on to something that simply isn’t there anymore.

In Stand By Me, Chris and Gordie remain friends. They grow up and enter the scary world of adulthood together. (Yes, after that they didn’t talk much but that isn’t the point). The two of them drifted away from Teddy and Vern until they became distant memories of the past. It really does suck when it’s spelled out as blatantly as that but it rings true to real life. In my own situation, my best friends and I are parting ways with the girl I once called my best friend. It does hurt and it feels like any other breakup but ultimately it’s for the best. The memories will last even if there aren’t any new ones being made. And I know that we’ll all be fine because this is how it was supposed to be. As long as you have the few people that truly matter you’ll never be dissatisfied.

So, does anyone still have the same friends that they did when they were twelve? Maybe. And that’s great for you. You should both win a best friends award and celebrate with a movie marathon and some pizza. But if you don’t? It’s nothing to stress over. Life happens and sometimes you just have to let it. My other three friends with whom I'm close were also friends I met when I was twelve/thirteen and our bond has only strengthened. It's a toss up. 

Thank you Stand By Me and Stephen King for showing me the way it would be even if I didn’t believe it for a long time.

F is for Feminist

Feminism: The theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.

I’ve always considered myself a feminist. I’ve always believed that women should be treated equally to men. I’ve always felt an intense anger when I would see or read anything about women being treated like lesser beings. Watching anything where the man was in charge and had a sense of ownership over a woman was enough to make my head spin. (It still is). If I lived in those times (which I often say I’d want to but only because the music was better) I think heads would roll. I’m sure I’d butt heads with any man who’d try any of that controlling bullshit. But I digress. Despite all of that, I don’t think I ever fully understood the meaning of feminism. It goes beyond the “I can do anything a man can do” mentality. In fact, that doesn’t even scratch the surface.

But first, a little background mixed in with opinions that will probably go off in tangents:

I was the type of kid who played games like secret agent or spies or something of the like. I distinctly remember running around in a black tank top and black pants, because that’s totally the official uniform of spy-dom, toting my binoculars and other secret agent/spy paraphernalia and fighting evil bad guys. I was raised in the generation of Power Rangers and I had the innate need to kick ass. Just ask all of my guy cousins how many times I “threatened” to beat them up. Imagine a skinny, made-of-nothing girl (oh how things have changed) trying to beat up a full-grown man. Funny and a little embarrassing, yes. But that was me.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that. Except the fact that when I related myself to the characters I watched, I was always the guy. Maybe I can attribute that to my half-tomboy status but it was due mostly to the fact that the guy characters were better in a sense. They had more screen time, they were the main characters, they were actually given the chance to do something; whatever the case was, I was always drawn to the male characters. I wanted to be Tommy, the White Ranger, from Power Rangers. Though I will say that the female characters were equally kick-ass, I always gravitated towards Tommy. (He was also really hot). I didn’t want to be a man, I wanted to be who I thought was the cooler character. Even in The A-Team. I loved that show and still do. But it was about a group of four men. They had a few women but they weren’t in the thick of things like the members of The A-Team were. And if they ever were, they were portrayed as scared and in need of the men’s help. So, I was Face. Who, again, was coincidentally really hot.

That was my childhood. In my mind I was always the girl version of whoever I was emulating. I was never a guy. Why? Put simply—there hardly any girl characters who did that level of ass-kicking. Again, I realize there were girl power rangers but I wanted to be Tommy. I think maybe because he was the leader. I didn’t just want to kick ass; I wanted to lead too. That’s not to say there weren’t any awesome woman characters out there. Personally, I mostly gravitated towards the male ones. Looking back as an adult, I realize that there were many shows and movies with strong female characters. But not enough. It’s never enough.

When I was a teenager it all began to change. Enter Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, Charlie’s Angels the Movie, etc. There are literally so many examples and they only keep growing as time goes on. Right now we have Supergirl, Agent Carter, Jessica Jones and also shows like Madam Secretary, The Blacklist, etc. Back then that was all I needed. I started watching more shows that featured women who kicked ass and in many different ways. I came to realize that kicking ass doesn’t just mean being physically strong and beating up bad guys (even though that definitely rocks). I realized that the strong women I was watching were people who yes, kicked ass, but they also had jobs, families, relationships, etc. They were modern women who were leaders and juggled a shit-ton of responsibilities. They weren’t in the background or overshadowed by men. It made me realize how I always was and how I always wanted to be.

I, like a lot of women I’ve read about, struggled with wanting to look good and feminine and also be taken seriously. It seems like it’s a fine line sometimes and it shouldn’t be. How many countless movies, TV shows, books portray a woman who’s all into her looks as ditzy? Surely a woman who spends time on her makeup and nails is nothing more than a vapid, brainless waste of space. Well, I call BULLSHIT. I’ve deduced it quite simply for myself: women can look good and kick ass. Oh and hey guess what? We’re smart. I know that this applies more so to women from a long time ago and that we’ve come a long way but the idea isn’t exactly obsolete either. There’s always going to be that lingering notion, even if it’s just a whisper. Buffy taught me that you can look amazing in a mini-skirt and boots and be smart and kick some ass. She once defeated a demon while wearing a (hideous) bridesmaid dress. I mean, come on!! Embrace your femininity, let it shine but never let anyone take you for granted because of it. You see that stereotype or double standard? Smash it with a sledgehammer. And if you break a nail, you totally have the right to be upset because ain’t nobody likes a chipped manicure.

In respect to the looks vs. brains problem, I always think of Marilyn Monroe. She was perhaps one of the most beautiful and sexiest women ever to have lived. And it’s a shame that she was perceived only as such. Everyone saw her as some dumb blonde, especially the men in her life who seemed to only want to control her or have a piece of her. But she was smart, more than anyone ever thought and more than anyone ever knew. It’s a shame that she was thought of only a fantasy woman who was only good for one thing. But she knew what she was doing and she played the game. There was also Lucille Ball who was a pioneer and a role model. Moving away from Hollywood and further back in time, there were the women who started the feminist movement in the ‘60s, the women who were suffragists and obtained the vote. How about Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Nellie Bly, etc. and so forth because the list of important women could go on forever. And of course, there are the countless women of today who have made and continue to make a difference. Emma Watson, Malala Yousafzai; just to name a few. And the countless women in between.

Flash back to now. Despite the representation of women in the media and the stereotype of beauty not equaling brains being important, there are many other pressing issues that encapsulates feminism. Feminism is about equality, plain and simple. Women should be paid equally, treated equally (in the workplace, in politics; everywhere), allowed to make decisions about their body without input from anyone else. And then of course there is the looming dark cloud fear of rape and assault. It’s a sad fact of life that women need to always be careful because some idiot could come along and harass, assault or even worse, rape them. And that’s disgusting. Life should not be like that, for anyone but we as women are always told to be careful because we have to be. And it’s not fair. And what’s more—women should be able to dress any way they’d like to without persecution, without name-calling and without blame. And it (almost) goes without saying that we hate the sexist bullshit that we sometimes (always) hear.

I should say that despite the ongoing problems we still face, I am grateful to live in the country I do. There are places in the world where women have next to no rights at all. They may as well be still living in the middle ages, under enough oppression to drive anyone crazy. What’s even worse is that more often than not, they don’t have a voice and are left no choice but live in such archaic ways.  

Like I said, I always referred to myself as a feminist. I believe in equal rights for all, in every capacity. But I feel that I wasn’t as informed as I should be. I was a lazy feminist, for lack of better term. That’s not to say that being a feminist means you have to be constantly protesting or picketing or climbing on the soapbox and spewing your opinions every chance you get. I mean, that’s great if that’s what you do. Fight the good fight and all that. As long as you believe in equality of the sexes and do your part to get it, you are a feminist. If you say you are then I believe that you are. Of course, it pays to be active. I decided that I needed to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. I started doing my research and I found a few books to read on feminism. I want to be properly informed. I want to be more of an active feminist. I’ve been reading a fair amount of articles lately and it has opened my eyes. I want to live up to my belief in feminism. I want to do more than only read articles and inform people that I’m a feminist. I do vote and while I’m not overly political, I do make sure to vote every time there is a need to. We as women didn’t always have the vote and now that we do, it’s important to use it. That’s one way to make a difference.

I was struck by the urge to inform myself better by two things. One of them is Nellie Bly. She was a reporter in New York in the late 1800s and she was revolutionary in the world of reporting. I think she paved the way for the women reporters who came after her. She demanded to be heard and didn’t stop until she was taken seriously. She went undercover in an insane asylum in order to write an exposé. Her article blew the lid off of the place and she was responsible for the changes that were made to the asylum. I suggest everyone read her article, 10 Days in a Madhouse. It is truly amazing. It’s worth mentioning that there’s a movie about it that will soon be out and that I can’t wait to see. Nellie also traveled around the world in seventy-two days and wrote an article about it. In short, she was a remarkable and inspiring woman. The second thing that inspired me was seeing all of these articles and videos on Facebook and other social media outlets. It forces you to realize what’s really going on in the world around you. So, I then made the decision to get informed.

One of the most important things I’ve learned so far is that there are many different kinds of feminist. It’s not as black and white and some might think. The common misconception is that feminist are angry women who don’t shave at all and who protest and fight. Some of them are. That’s perfectly fine. There are some feminists that are all about their career and some who are happy being stay-at-home moms and caring for their home and family. Some are Pro-Life and some Pro-Choice. You can be whoever you want, who you truly are, and still be a feminist, as long as you believe in all equality. And that means for everyone. It doesn’t matter who you are; what your skin color is, your religion, your ethnicity, your sexual orientation/gender identity, etc. Everyone deserves equal rights and that’s what feminism is. And that’s something I whole-heartedly believe in.

Also, a side-note: Feminists don’t hate men. I mean, really? That’s nothing but senseless logic. Why the hell would we hate men? We obviously need men. If feminists hated men and wanted to overthrow them and be the better gender, as some people think, then we would be accomplishing nothing. It’s so simple it hurts. Equality. Done, finished, the end.

So, I will keep informing myself and I will try and spread the feminist word any way I can. I will also take pride in being a woman and never forget the sacrifices that other women before me have made. I will be a feminist, in my own way. And if need be, I’ll kick some ass. Just don’t make me chip my nails or ruin my eye-liner because then heads will roll.

Fairy Tales in the Digital Age

“Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.” –Loretta Young

Interesting, right? Isn’t that what we all think; what we were conditioned to believe? As a little girl, you have Disney movies thrown at you and are read countless stories about white knights rescuing the damsel in distress. And that’s all well and good. It’s nice to have a fantasy world to slip into every once in a while but it does do a number on our minds. Not to mention the countless romance novels and movies like The Notebook or Titanic (obviously the love story part and not the big-disaster-now-everyone-including-the-white-knight-are-dead part). Basically, if we’re going by what the movies tell us, we have to sit in a coffee shop or go for a walk in the forest and bump into the man of our dreams. Let fate and destiny take care of it while you sit patiently waiting.

First of all—no. That doesn’t work. At least it doesn’t work 97% of the time. When fate does occasionally step in to help people meet unexpectedly it’s nice. It makes for great stories to tell the grandchildren while they surround you and your significant other in your matching rocking chairs on the porch. And we hate these people. Why do they get to meet serendipitously while we sit around like bumps on a log? All right fine, we’re happy for them. It’s sweet and nice but still doesn’t change the fact that we’re burning with jealousy.

Enter the digital age. We live in the modern world where online dating and Tinder are more common than chance meetings in coffee shops or even good ol’ blind dates. There are a major amount of success stories, long-term relationships and even marriages to come out of the online dating scene. That being said, you have to sift through a whole lot of bad people and creepy dudes to find one good one. It’s the proverbial needle in the haystack. Not to mention the fact that a good amount of people are looking to solely hook up and nothing more. It’s enough to make you crazy but the proof is in the pudding as they say.

Now you’re at a crossroads much like the writer of this blog post. It’s hard to break free of the notion of meeting someone naturally. Who wouldn’t want to be somewhere one day and unexpectedly meet someone who you click with? Is there anything more boring than saying “Oh yeah well, we met on Tinder and he messaged first and blah blah, etc.”? Of course, meeting someone online is not a bad thing and it does work for many people. It’s the fixed cookie-cutter view that people have of how they should meet their soulmate and the brainwashing of stories and movies that leave us hesitant to venture into the digital dating scene.

The moral or lesson here? It follows the logic of the old cliché “when in Rome, do as the Romans do.” When in the digital age, take what’s offered to you. Joining a dating site, whether it be eHarmony or Tinder, doesn’t automatically mean you’re looking for love. You could be but you could also be doing it on a whim. And of course, there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe you shouldn’t go out hunting for love with Cupid’s bow and arrow with the intention of snagging that perfect guy or girl. But nowhere is it said that you can’t help it along. The dating sites are just the platform, it’s up to you where you land after you dive. Keep in mind that joining a dating site isn’t the end all be all of finding love. If you don’t like it you can also delete your profile. And who knows? Maybe while you’re sifting through the masses with no interest in anyone you see, fate is waiting for you to enter the coffee shop and bump into your soulmate.

Take the plunge, go online, have a little fun or go into it with serious intentions. Whatever the case may be, go for it. It’s better than sitting around waiting for the perfect significant other. For all you know, they could be stuck under a rock or in a tree or something. Grab your phone, sign up and start swiping left or right. You’ll find it can be quite addicting.

Inspiration and Determination

“You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.” –Ralph Marston

I am so shocked by my own personal change in attitude that I feel the need to share it with the world. Granted, I’m a writer and I tend to want to share everything with the world. But I digress. I decided that I would leave all of my anxiety and negativity in 2015 and go forward with positivity and confidence. And it was as easy as saying it. Or at least it was a stepping stone towards permanently adopting those attitudes.

This decision to change my attitude transcends New Year’s resolutions and stems from the fact that I am and always have been majorly anxiety-ridden, paranoid, slightly pessimistic, and a smidge cynical. A lot of people are and yes, it’s normal; everyone suffers from or deals with something. But it doesn’t mean that it isn’t exhausting and debilitating. It messes with your mind and your health and affects you physically as well as mentally. It can get in the way of your everyday life and it makes it hard to do the little things.

I suppose I’ve been this way my entire life but I only became fully aware of it when I was seventeen (almost eighteen) and preparing to enter college. Maybe it was the uncertainty of what college would be like or the starting of a new chapter of my life that triggered it. Or maybe it was time for it to explode; no one knows why it crops up when it does, it just does. To make a long story short, the past seven years have been me dealing with a constant swirl of thoughts, freaking out over things that I shouldn’t have freaked out over and basically making every molehill into Mount Everest.

That’s not to stay that it was bad all the time. There were times when I had a handle on it and I could shove it down and be done with it for a little while. The times that it did get worse was what I called my own “mental breaks.” But even though it wasn’t always turned up to eleven, it was still there. And it was completely strenuous. It prevents you from really enjoying anything because you always have a pit of worry in your stomach and your head is always spinning with thoughts you can’t control.

So I finally decided to stop. I told myself, “That’s it, lady. You can’t do this to yourself anymore. You’re gonna drive yourself crazy and you won’t enjoy anything the way you should.” And I thought about it and I replied to myself, “Yes ma’am!” And that was it. I decided to stop and so I did. Well, I am currently. In a sense it is as easy as saying it but that doesn’t mean it’s going to magically go away. The decision is step one. The determination is what gets you there and keeps you there. I’ve learned that when I say something and really mean it, I get it done. I really like that about myself. Other times when I’ve said something and there was no determination driving it, I failed. That lends itself to losing weight too. It’s something I can feel in myself. This time, I feel it.

If you have the determination to do something, you’re golden. It starts with inspiration then gives way to determination which ultimately gives way to you achieving what you set out to achieve in the first place. I don’t want to sound hokey like all of those inspirational self-help books or cat posters but there’s a grain of truth in those things. The underlying message is that you can do it with some determination and a little hard work.

I’m proud of myself. It’s so freeing to not be in a constant state of worry. Of course, it’s not completely gone. I still do have those moments of panic/anxiety or the random irrational thought but instead of dwelling on it and freaking myself out, I stop it before it can get any further and swat it away like the annoying fly it is. I’m also surprised that I did it so easily. I’m staying positive and telling myself that I can and will keep it like this. Trust me, it’s so nice.

In Lucas Scott fashion I will end this as I began it, with a quote:

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson 

I Resolve Not to Resolve

Every year is the same. As the clock winds down and Christmas passes by, many (if not all) of the people in the world are taken over by the intense desire to make a change. New Year, new me. We’re all guilty of uttering these words whether it be in our mind or in our Instagram posts. I’ll readily admit that I am one of those people. And I’m only half-ashamed of it.

There’s something about a New Year approaching that makes people look deeper into themselves, discover what behaviors, actions or lack thereof that upsets them and ultimately makes them resolve to change themselves for the better. I personally don’t see anything wrong with that. The New Year is just that, new. It’s the world’s way of saying, here you go, here’s a clean slate, do with it what you will. Some people don’t buy into the hype and it’s just as well. You don’t need to wait for January 1^st to roll around to change yourself. You can decide to change on a Tuesday in March or a Friday in August and no one will fault you for that. January 1^st is a deadline, a shove in the right direction. 

It’s been said that resolutions are not the right way to go because by definition a resolution is the solving of a problem. While that does lend itself to changing for the better, it’s not what we should be focusing on. When you make a change you are doing it solely for yourself. Change signifies that your intentions are to never go back to what made you unhappy in the first place. Fixing a problem may only be temporary because that problem can always come back. If you resolve to change then change and that’s it.

Of course, my “resolutions” do fall into the standard category of resolutions that half of the world makes; lose weight, don’t snooze your alarm in the morning, break bad habits, find love and so on and so forth. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s what a lot of people want so why can’t you want it too? The question then becomes, are you going to go through with it? Are you really serious or are you making a resolution because it’s the thing to do? Everyone is gung ho for the first week or maybe even the first month but when February hits it’s all back to the same old habits.

So, I resolve not to resolve. I, like almost everyone, looked towards the New Year with hope and determination to set goals and achieve them. It’s a mental thing; you’re given the opportunity for a fresh start and so you take it. But I plan to back up my words with actions and not let the resolutions fall flat in the first week. Determination is the only tool you need to make change effective. The rest will follow.

I firmly believe that it’s all in how you say it. Instead of “I want to lose weight and be skinny” (which may be true) how about “I want to be healthy and to get there I am going to eat right and exercise.” On my own list I wrote “better myself for myself—mind, body, soul, etc.” That also lends itself to my other “resolution” to think in a more positive manner and to be more confident in what I want to achieve. Also, I promised myself to kick my anxiety in the teeth. I’ve decided I’m done with all the anxiety and worry. I’m determined. But saying it is not enough. Don’t say, just do. And don’t make it sound like it’s a mundane to-do list. If you truly want it, you will get it so there’s no excuse to abandon your resolution or whatever you want to call them.

Use this shiny New Year as a diving board and jump head first into whatever changes you are determined to make. Take the tired standard “New Year new me” and make something of it. Set goals for yourself that you know you can accomplish and do it. Use whatever you want as inspiration. In my own case, a song. I started it in 2015, having a song of the year. It’s the first song I listen to, right after midnight, and it’s supposed to set the tone of the year. Whenever I listen to it, I remind myself of the goals that I set and I keep on going. Yes, I did the whole post a selfie on Instagram with an inspiring quote thing; from my aforementioned song of the year. I’m not embarrassed. It’s all a mental game after all. It’s part of some modern belief that if you post it then it must be true.

In the end it’s all quite easy. If you want it, either do it or go and get it. It really is as simple as that!!